Mabibigat na hakbang pa-alis sa kung saan nagsimula ang sakit, basang kalsada, at malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan ang pumapatak sa aking buong katawan.
Basa at nilalamig kong sinuong ang masamang panahon habang walang ni isang payong na handang bigy...
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(Credit's to pic.me for Jean's Character illustration.)
Jean's Point of View
As the class end and after I called the two. Agad akong umuwi sa amin, it's a bit late, but still the street lights are on so it's no big deal at all to just walk through the streets.
And even if may sira-ulong mant-trip sa akin, I always had my swiss knife with me. I'm not kidding, sa panahon ngayon ready akong sumaksak nang sira-ulong mant-trip sa akin.
Unlike the two, I don't have night jobs. So pag wala sila o kaya si Seah ay ako lang ngayon maglalakad. I always be with Prechie and Cresha before, but because of the issue wala ako ngayong kasabay.
You know, sa mga hindi pa na kakaranas nang magabihan ka na sa pag-uwi. Night life is very peaceful, the cold breeze will accompany you while you absorbed the peaceful street night.
Tahimik at na kakapag-isip ka. It's a city, but you rarely encounter bad seeds in the bad tree here. I know it's odd, but it is what it is. For me night light was sweet yet lonely. Some homes might be warm, but mostly wasn't home at all.
People like me tend to find creepy places to others as my safe space. You know, night lights and some wild fireflies in the city calms me. Like there's no judgement nor pressure to nature and a peaceful streets like this.
As the eldest daughter, it will be my responsibility as the eldest to safe keep and took good care for our family. Specially when my mom died, sa akin na ipinasa ni papa ang pag-aalaga sa kapatid kung Elementary palang.
It's hard for me to take good care of my younger brother while I'm also studying. I'm more older than those two, on top of that, I'm also dealing with my issues mentally.
When my mom died, I lost everything. Ang katawan ko okay lang pero ang kaluluwa ko ang sumamang namatay sa pagkamatay niya.
In just a blink of an eye my dependent self become independent. Iyung wala ka nang choice but to be independent kasi wala na naman ang dene-dependihan mo noon.
“I'm home!” anunsyo ko pa pagkabukas ko nang aming pinto.
No one answered. Of course, my younger brother was probably at his room playing something or studying. While for my dad, he might be still at work.
I immediately drop my bag on our living room and walk straight to my own room. Agad akong na padapa sa aking kama at kinuha ang aking phone sa bulsa.
Browsing to the internet, sharing memes, watching funny videos, or watching theories are the most common hobbies of mine to do when my laziness kick in.
Siguro dala na rin nang kapaguran ay hindi ko na namalayang na katulog ako agad.
***
“Bye!” agad akong nagtatatakbo palabas nang bahay habang dala ko ang aking bag.
“Ayusin mo na nga iyang course mo ate, lagi ka nalang nagpapalit ano ba talaga gusto mo sa buhay?” pahabol pa na sigaw ni mama.
Yeah I know, pangatlo ko na itong shifts nang subject. Kasalanan ko bang ang babarat magbigay at minsan pa na kaka-away ko professors ko.
“Yeah! Yeah!” I'm currently taking Education major in English. My other subjects na shinift ko is criminology, IT, At ngayon Education na naman ako. Nasa second year na ako at kasagsagan ngayon nang preliminary exams.
Agad na akong pumara nang masasakyan para pumasok. My mom was at home taking care of my younger brother who's still in Elementary.
Wala akong mas'yadong alam ngayong at magt-take pa nang exam. Subrang bilib na talaga ako sa sarili kung papasok ta's mage-exam na walang alam.
As the time goes by, while currently taking my exam ay nagvibrate ang phone ko. Hindi naman bawal magdala nang phone kaya tinignan ko muna ang phone ko. It was a text from my tita.
Ate uwi ka muna nagbebleeding mama mo.
Walang pag-aalinlangan kung ipinasa ang aking papel kahit hindi pa ito tapus. Dali-dali along umalis sa University at umuwi.
Kinakabahan ay nagmamadali akong umuwi at tudo rin text ang tita ko. Pagkarating na pagkarating ko sa bahay ay halos kompleto lahat nang mga kadugo ko.
Tita immediately approached me at kinuha ang bag ko habang hawak sa kaniyang kaliwang kamay ang kapatid kung si Winter.
As I walk through her room, there I saw my mom closed eyes laying in bed. Alongside my dad who's talking to my mom's sisters.
As I approach where she was my aunt said something I can't even think that is possible.
“Ate,. . . She had a ovarian cancer, stage 4.” Iyung sinasabi nilang mabibingi ka literal na nangyari ito ngayon sa akin after I heard the word.
Lahat nang mga pinagsasabi sa paligid ko na bingi ako nang tuluyan. Nitong umaga lang nakita ko pa itong nakangiti. Nag-usap pa kami kanina, tapus ngayon malalaman ko nalang na may cancer siya?
Why? How? Bakit siya? Bakit hindi niya pina-alam? Bakit hindi Niya sinabi?
Gusto kung sumbatan ang nanay ko pero sa mahimbing nitong pagkakatulog ayuko siyang maisturbo. Did she endure the pain all this time? For what? Bakit? Bakit ayaw niyang magpagamot? Bakit ayaw niyang malaman namin? Ngayon na malala na siya? Ngayong ganito na nangyayari sa kaniya? Why?
Mga ilang segundo pa at hindi ko na napigilan. Halos walang ingay kung iniyak ang mga sakit na na raramdaman ko ngayon. Ramdam kung bumabara sa aking lalamunan ang sakit at halos magpasing-abot na ang aking luha at sipon.
“Ate,” that voice all of a sudden whispered to me. That little voice of my brother who was holding my hand automatically make me fall down on my knees while crying in front of my mother and father.
I almost choked to my tears and immediately hold on to my brother who was clueless to what was happening.
How would he know, his just a kid.
***
Agad akong na pamulat at hinawakan ang aking pisngi. I'm dreaming about that day again and still crying. It's almost 5 long years and still when I dreamed about it, it's still painful.
“It's been a year but the wound wasn't healing,” bulong ko habang na papatingin sa kisame nang asking kwarto.
