𝑭𝒍𝒂𝒘𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 | Paxton Hall Yoshida |

reminder

this is just a vent, cause ive got nowhere else to turn to. not a chapter.

TRIGGER WARNING. 

I know I shouldn't be venting cause im an author and I feel like im dropping all of my weight onto everyone, that's not my intention.

please don't read if you don't want to get trauma dumped or if u are sensitive to topics of self harm.

I wish I could be one of those teenagers who enjoy school and love to go. But im not, im not sure why but my brain just wasn't wired that way. Now my whole family hates me, im pretty sure my mom actually resents me, I mean, I can't blame her. But it still hurts and doesn't make my situation any better. She never really gives me support so I guess the hatred between my mother and I has become mutual. I always wanted affection from her, or her attention. Now I still want it, but I also wouldn't mind not having it. Its just im in a heavy depression and my mom doesn't seem to care. She just thinks im lazy or just bloody annoying honestly. But she doesn't wanna be my mom anymore, I know she doesn't. She would probably kill me herself if she could. Ive also been self harming again, I was clean for self harm for almost a year, before it started up again recently. I broke my brothers trust, that's my fault, he has every right to be upset with me. Its just having EVERYONE mad at you all at once, while living with them, it sucks. I used to be very scared of death, not anymore. Im tired of being here, I know its kinda cliche but its true. Waking up, realising my whole family hates me, people at school hate me, my friends are probably starting to hate me a little bit too. The only person I would've gone to in this situation would be my grandma, but she died around a year ago. She was the only one that ever listened. She would've known how to comfort me. whenever im sad or depressed my mom always tells me "stop feeling sorry for yourself" and most of the time I do feel sorry for myself, cause no one else does. Not anymore at least. My gran was the only person who did, she was the only one who listened. The only time my mom really listened to what I had to say was when I wanted to move in with my dad. She told me not to, she started showing me more affection and empathy for a few weeks and then she stopped. my dad doesn't really care much, he's more focused on my brothers. I know he loves me, he's my father, he has to. But I don't think either of my parents like me very much. All I wanna do is run away and escape, from school and from my family and even some of my friends. I do wanna live and get a job and have a normal life. But I think everyone around me thinks its impossible because im always depressed, im not a good kid. I know that. I vape, I smoke weed, I drink sometimes, but that's just so I can feel better. My parents don't know I do all these things. If they did know it would just make them hate me more than they already do. Im writing this because I don't know how much longer im gonna be here for, ive been thinking a lot about suicide. But if I attempt and it doesn't work, my life is gonna take a turn. Dying doesn't scare me, but I don't want to die, at all. But I feel like there's no way out. Ive got no one to run to, if I had to run away.

This is also just a reminder that everyone goes through a lot, if you know someone with similar issues, please be kind to them and have some empathy.

Im always open to talk about anything you may be going through, or anything you want to get off your chest.

060 585 7318- my WhatsApp number if anyone wants to talk, even messaging me on here if you need to.  

once again, this is a vent, but also a reminder to try have empathy for those around you. 

im always here to talk. 

no judgement please. 

next chapter of flawless is currently being worked on and will be posted soon.

I love you <3

(this came from notes, I wrote it 5 mins ago.)

please be respectful.