Black & White

Chapter seventeen

He is smiling, his eyes becoming a little wet. I am feeling nervous and feel a little bit guilty. I think I just upset him. "I understand, Alexei. You should always listen to yourself. You were such a good player in our team and still are. We all appreciate you so much."

This makes me feel even worse. "I'm sorry, coach. I'm so sorry. I just can't play as I used to anymore."

"Hey, hey listen", he gets in front of me looking at my eyes. "You don't have to be sorry. I completely respect your choice."

"Yeah but what if I am betraying all of you?"

"You are not. If they think you do, it's their problem. Because you are not. If you need a break, you need it."

I guess is the only answer I thought about and he gets next to me again. "What did the doctor say about that?"

"What?" I ask him.

"Your loss of interest in activities."

I am widening my eyes of fear, staring at the white wall and trying to convince myself that I have to tell him.

"Well that's one of the reasons why I'm taking a break too."

"What do you mean?"

"The doctor said I am having symptoms of depression. As you said."

"Oh no, Alexei..." my coach is opening his arms to hug me. "I don't want you to go through that, Alexei... I really don't want to. You don't deserve this."

I am wrapping my arm on his back and my throat is tightening. How worse could it be? "I'll have a blood test soon, seeing if it's officially a depression."

I know he is crying. I know his eyes are watering. I feel him becoming emotional. "Oh Alexei, that's what I wished the least for you. I am so sorry."

I don't want pity. No matter who feels pitiful for me. I don't want this. "It's okay that's just why I decided to take a break from soccer."

"How did your parents react to this?"

As a boy who has Eastern European parents, I don't think they'll understand what depression is more than Canadian citizen parents would. Maybe some Russian parents will totally understand and be open minded about their child having this "illness" but I know mine won't.

"Well my mom didn't really understand, and Andrei, let's say he's a little bit gone."

"How so?"

"Andrei said I'm not his son anymore. And my both parents are not as close as they used to be since I fought with this man" I say briefly, not wanting to get into the details too much.

"What? He did what?"

I wait for him to keep talking and do not feel like repeating what I just said.

"Okay, I assume I heard well what he did. He shouldn't say those things, he would regret so much later not having you in his life anymore."

I shrug my shoulders and I see the mix of madness and disappointment in his face. They are both great friends, and François probably didn't see him this way.

"I can't believe he's doing this to you. I'll have a talk with him."

"No, please."

"I don't want him to make his own son feel this way. He doesn't help improve your depression for sure."

"He'll hate me even more if he knows I'm talking about what happened to you."

My coach takes a big breath, not in annoyance but out of desperation and looks at me with his watery brown eyes. "Did you do as I advised you to do? Talking with him about the situation?"