Cruel Summer | ✓

chapter thirty-one

I came here to help my mom through an emotional crisis and she has sent me spiraling into one of my own. She's a lawyer, it's what she does: she has made a living out of finding weaknesses, loopholes, insecurities. She is an expert in digging her fingers into the meat of any hint of uncertainty and flaying it open for everyone to see, and the next morning I still feel raw. Like she opened the drawer where I hide my worries and she set each one on a tray for cross-examination.

I can't even be mad because I did the same. I asked too many questions and she retaliated with her own, and I didn't like it. The worst part is, she's right. I don't have a plan.

So I do what I do best, and I run. I don't have my proper running kit with me but I have cotton shorts and a sports bra so that'll have to do. Mom's still asleep. I eat a banana and send her a text, letting her know that I'm going for a run at Dinosaur Park, this kitschy park a mile from here, and I set off. As soon as I have music pumping in my ears and my feet are pounding the sidewalk, my anxiety starts to dissipate. My brain has something else to focus on: a new route, new dangers, the constant awareness that comes with running alone.

With Harry Styles keeping me company, I jog up the steps to the concrete dinosaurs that give the park its name; I run down Skyline Drive until I reach a viewing point for Rapid City's skyline. It leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not sure it can even be called a skyline when the tallest building has about six floors and nothing is taller than the sloping hills that provide the city's backdrop. I pause to take a picture and I carry on, looping back and forth up a narrow, anticlimactic trailhead until the only way to go is back the way I came. I'm sweating buckets by the time I get back to the dinosaurs and take a few more photos and on the way back, I lengthen my run with a detour to a Black Hills Bagels.

I get back an hour after I left, sweating and panting and red as a tomato. It's still only nine. I have another twenty-four hours with my mother and I don't know how to fill them. I start by getting a couple plates for the bagels: blueberry with blueberry cream cheese for Mom, her favorite. Cinnamon swirl for me, with brown sugar cinnamon cream cheese.

My phone buzzes. A text from Lou.

Hey, just checking in. I didn't hear from you after we talked yesterday, I hope everything's ok. I missed you in my bed last night x

Sorry it was kinda full on with mom but i did manage to get 3 of my brothers to schedule visits! Idk about "ok" but we'll get there, I say. I missed you too.

All I can hear is Mom's voice last night. Is this long term or is it a summer romance? Am I piling my future onto Lou's shoulders, praying that she won't shrug me off?

I send her the pictures from my run this morning. To the dinosaurs, she sends a couple laughing emojis. To the skyline, she says, it's a bit rich calling itself a city, isn't it.

Doesn't seem particularly rapid either from what i've seen, I reply.

What're you up to today?

Waiting for mom to wake up, see how she is, I say, glancing at the ceiling as though I'll be able to see through to her room. I don't know really. I need to get her out of the house I think.

You're not far from Mount Rushmore, you know! It's about a half hour from the city.

Wait, what? How did I not know that? I check google maps and sure enough, from here to Mount Rushmore is about twenty-three miles. A thirty-one minute drive.

You're a genius, I say. Lou sends back a kiss and says, have fun x.

It's another fifteen minutes before Mom comes downstairs, looking disheveled but well-rested. Her neutral expression turns into a smile when she sees me and she pulls me into a hug, her arms tight around me.