Cruel Summer | ✓

chapter twenty-eight

"Have you got work tomorrow?" I ask.

"No, no, I..." She sounds disoriented. Combined with the thunder outside, my anxiety is spiking, my heart rate uncomfortably high. "I asked for some time off. I haven't been feeling like myself. Needed a bit of time."

Fuck. Mom doesn't take time off. Her job is her life. I knead my sternum with the heel of my palm, my chest tight and burning like I have acid reflux.

"Okay, I'm gonna come see you," I say. I can't just put the phone down and hope she figures her shit out. She's my mom. If I leave right now, I could be with her tomorrow morning, if I pound a vat of coffee and drive through the night.

"No, Charlie, no, not if you don't want to. God, I'm sorry, I never should have called. I just had a vulnerable moment but I'm alright, honey, really."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Mom. Please don't do anything stupid."

"I'm not a danger to myself, Charlotte." Funny how it stings when she calls me that, like it's an admonition.

"You can handle your alcohol, Mom, we both know that." People with high-powered jobs need vices, something my dad once said. Some take drugs. Some sacrifice their families. Mom drinks. "But you sound drunk, and I've never heard you like that, and that worries me, so don't tell me you're not a danger to yourself right now. And don't call me up asking when I'm coming to see you and then tell me not to come when I say I'm on my way."

"Okay." One meek little word. I'm fired up, my emotions getting their wires crossed so I can't tell if I'm mad or sad or scared which means it's probably a cocktail of all three. "I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying that. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," she says again. And then, quietly, her voice thick, she says, "Thank you."

I hang up and for a moment I can't move. I'm paralyzed by my crashing, conflicting emotions but I need to move, I need to get my ass in my car and start driving because my mom is in crisis and she is so fucking far away.

"Charlie?" Lou comes in. "Is your mom alright?"

"No." I laugh. I don't mean to. It just comes out, this ugly little noise. "She's upset and she's drunk and I know that's not weird for her 'cause she's pretty much always a bit drunk, but she was slurring and rambling and she's not okay."

"I'm sorry, hon." She comes to sit next to me but I spring up off the sofa before she has crossed the room.

"I need to go."

"What? Where?"

"To see her. She's not herself and I'm worried, I said I'd go see her. I need to go now."

Lou laughs. "You can't be serious."

"If I leave now, I can be there by nine."

"You are not driving to South Dakota."

"She needs me," I say, my body thrumming with too much energy. I leave the living room, grab my bag from the kitchen and jog up the stairs to pack my things for another long drive. Lou races after me; she catches my wrist and turns me to face her. "I need to go."

"I'm not saying you can't go see your mom, but you're acting crazy right now, Charlotte," she says, her eyes boring a hole in mine. "She's a thousand miles away. You are not getting in a car right now and driving a thousand miles, are you insane? Never mind the fact that it's storming. You want to drive through the night and you think you won't fall asleep at the wheel? That's ridiculous!"

I pull out of her grip, my mind racing too fast to keep up with my own thoughts. All I can focus on is that my mom is in a bad way and it's my fault because I cut myself off from her when I couldn't cope with my own emotions, but she's going through even more than I am and the least I can do is step up for once.

"Stop it." Lou doesn't yell, but her tone is sharp, it means business. I freeze. She holds my shoulders and tells me again to stop it and I do. I stop. "Whatever happens, you're not getting there tonight. So stay here, get a good night's sleep, and I'll drive you to the airport tomorrow." She takes out her phone and in seconds, she has flight details on her screen. "Look. There's a flight from Boise at ten. Layover in Denver. We can leave here at seven and you can be in Rapid City for two."

I drop onto the edge of the bed, all the fight gone out of me. "I can get the bus. You have lessons."

"I only have one tomorrow. I can rearrange it. Listen, there's nothing you can do tonight," Lou says, her voice softening. She sits next to me, her arm around my shoulders, pulling me to her chest. "I know you're freaking out, but your mom can handle herself. A few hours isn't going to make a difference, except that you'll have a clearer head and you won't veer off the road at four in the morning."

"I've never heard her like that before."

"She's going through a lot. She misses you, I bet."

"We all left," I say. I feel sick. Numb and sick. "We all grew up and moved out and I just assumed that was, like, her dream. She and dad could spend time together without having to think about us. But then he left too and she's all alone and she's never been alone."

"This is a blip. She's going to be okay. From what I know of your mom, she's strong and determined and she knows what she wants." Her hand is on my back, her words a balm to my racing thoughts.

"She wants me to move in with her, that's what she wants," I say. I slump over, hands in my hair, my head and my heart twisted into agonizing knots. I take a deep breath, like oxygen will clear my mind. "If I get that flight tomorrow, I can spend a couple days with her and make sure she's okay and I can come back Saturday, in time for Robbie's party."

"That sounds like a better plan."

"Sorry. I don't think I would've made it very far if I tried to drive."

"No, because I would've hidden your keys," Lou jokes. At least, I think she's joking. I can't be sure. "I'm sure Riley would understand if you missed Robbie's party, if you need more than a couple of days."

I shake my head. "I need a deadline. I'm not good without deadlines. The party is something concrete and Mom doesn't need to know I've met Robbie once and he probably couldn't pick me out of a lineup."

"There's a flight at ten on Saturday morning, I could meet you in Boise for four and I don't think the party starts until seven. It's a very casual thing, anyway."

"Okay, yeah, that sounds good." Except it doesn't, not really, because the thought of going to an unfamiliar city to stay with my mom when she's like this is kind of terrifying. I don't know what to expect.

"What's your date of birth?"

"January thirteenth, nineteen ninety-nine," I rattle off on autopilot. "Why?"

"I'm booking your plane ticket."

"You don't need to do that, Lou! I got my hotel refund, I can buy my own ticket."

"Last minute flights to South Dakota aren't cheap and there aren't many seats left. Don't worry, I've got it." She taps away at the screen, adjusting her glasses as she swipes. "Charlotte Miller, right? You're not double-barrelled or anything, are you? Miller-Martin? Martin-Miller?"

I'm about to protest again, but I don't have it in me. If Lou wants to pay for a ticket, why not? I'm not exactly flush with cash right now and I have no idea how much the ticket costs but it'd probably wipe out the rest of my refund money. "Nope. Just Charlotte Miller."

"What's your middle name?"

"I don't think they actually need that."

"No. I'm just asking."

"It's Amelie. After my dad's mom."

"That's pretty. Okay, I've got your number already, what's your email address?" I spell it out, and that's it. I'm flying to Rapid City tomorrow. I'm going to see my mom for the first time in months.

"Thank you," I say quietly.

"It's nothing," Lou murmurs. "Your mom needs you and you need to see her. As long as you come back." She hugs me and I breathe in her scent, my face buried in her chest, and I finally cry. 

*

off to south dakota we go ...