Petrichor [J.T.]

Chapter 8 - Morals, Loyalty, and Grief

The not-to-so funeral, funeral, is mostly a blur. For obvious reasons, the casket was closed the whole time. To Sam, it didn't matter. She saw him. She saw him before and she saw him after. His mangled face stares back at her in the mirror. She didn't need to see him like that again.

Bruce has the funeral within a day and a half, not informing any of the Titans or anyone. Molly only came because Sam knew and she came time to get there. Sam wants to fight and scream about it but at this point, she's too exhausted. And she is so numb. And in pain, she's numb and in pain which doesn't make any sense but everything hurts while she feels nothing at all. It's like drowning but without the panic.

Her head throbs and that's always the start. Pressure builds as she tries to hold her breath because letting in the loss of Jason seems to be the worst possible thing she could ever do. With every breath she takes, that's less he got to take. Her head bangs and throbs, wailing for her to breathe and let the pain in for just a second. And once she does, it's water rushing into her lungs with a single gasp.

Drowning is suffocating and agonizing. It's as if her lungs are being stabbed over and over with tiny needles with every breath she tries to take. Her lungs are filled with cement and stabbing, weighing her down with every desperate gasp. The water sloshes around, seeping into all of her open nerves with striking electricity. It's the worst pain of her entire life.

She doesn't care anymore. It's hard and it's like these are the longest days of her life. There's just pain and numbness and anger. That's all there is now. So, she only comes out of her room for the bathroom and to watch Jason's casket be lowered into the ground. She doesn't leave her bed or say a word to Bruce for the first two days.

By day three, some of the sadness and exhaustion has manifested into more anger. It's all anger at the world and Bruce and the Joker and herself. She's even, selfishly, a little bit mad at Jason even though she doesn't want to be. But, the anger builds until she can't sit still anymore and she sets a plan into action.

She warned Bruce. She told him the Joker's death was inevitable. She'd do it if the Joker ever touched someone she cared about, if he ever touched Jason. Jason is dead and as far as she's concerned, her loyalty to Bruce and his morals died with him. So, she starts a plan to break into Arkham and kill him herself.

She waits until Bruce is asleep before she sneaks into the Batcave and starts her research. The Joker doesn't get to just get away this time. He killed her mom. And now he killed Jason. She's fed the fuck up with Bruce letting him off. So, she plans and plots and looks at blueprints of Arkham, trying to figure out how she can get in, kill him, and get out. Jason always told her the grudges might help, something she find odd given him not being a grudge holder. But, being mad and wanting revenge against the Joker, is a lot better than dealing with the pain of losing him. So, she plans and plans until the late morning.

Dick and Gar show up that afternoon from San Francisco. Bruce told them Sam hasn't left her room or eaten anything since Jason died. Dick is the one that tries to get to her first, figuring maybe he can break a little bit of the ice like when he brought her back to the tower.

He knocks on her door despite Bruce saying she won't answer or come out. But Dick tries anyway and when he doesn't get an answer, he opens the door anyway. She was once in his care. Jason was once in his care.

"Hey, Sam, you awake?" Dick asks, sticking his hands in his pockets as her back is faced away from him, laying on her side in one of Jason's favorite hoodies.

Sam ignores him, keeping her stare at the wall. Talking seems like it will be too much. It'll be him saying he's sorry for her loss and then she'll start crying again. It'll be him giving her a look and she hates getting looks. It's not Dick's fault. She's not mad at him, she can't afford to waste her energy being mad at him when it's already torn between grief-filled revenge and sobbing uncontrollably. The best thing she can do for herself is ignore him. To ignore everyone. It's to push them away.