Brotherhood last a lifetime - Prequels

Some things take time

Jim was excited. This year would be their first year celebrating Christmas together. They were partners now for all but two and a half years but never got to the point, where they had celebrated together.

The first year they had taken things slowly. By now, Jim knew, that Buck had probably spent the holidays, taking up extra shifts and being alone in his apartment. But back then, he thought it was okay. And to be fair, he wasn't much better.

Last year, they still both had their own places. He knew about Buck's anxieties and had let the man decide, what they will do. Buck had (again) taken over shifts from colleagues, that wanted to spend the holidays with their families. And he? Street had celebrated with his team.

But this year! This year would be their first year of celebrating Christmas together. After the last two years, his boss was happy to give him the chance to take a vacation over the holidays. And he didn't even feel bad about it, because he knew that the others had off as well since they all had worked last year.

And Jim knew that Buck had also off beginning at 12 o'clock on the 24th till the 27th.

They had moved together after two years of dating, just four months ago. It still was new to both of them. Sometimes it was hard.

Just last month, Jim had firsthand experienced one of Buck's panic attacks, for the first time. Well, he had been there for him, through them before. But normally afterward or just over the phone. When Buck needed someone to talk him down. To be there for him and help him, get out of it. He never had been there at the start of one so far. And it had been scary.

And right now, it felt like a new one was at the break of dawn.

Buck and him, had planned on going to the mall today. They wanted to do some Christmas shopping. Neither Buck nor Street owned much Christmas decoration, but with them celebrating together it felt like the perfect time, to invest in something like this.

The only flaw in the plan was Buch's reservations, about being seen with him in public. When he had good days, they would go to the park together or on a nice long hike. But all their dates had been spent at one of their places. Only their first date had been at a cinema, but it was an outsider movie, so there had been only three other people in the room with them.

So right now, Street was sitting in their living room while Buck was pacing in front of him.

"I want, I really want, but I just can't. What... what if..." He went like this for ten minutes and Street knew, he had to intervene when he didn't want his boyfriend to hyperventilate.

"Evan? Can you take a deep breath for me?", he started getting up. His arms were up, to show, he wasn't a treat.

He didn't know, where Buck's mind had gone this time. And his boyfriend had never been violent before. But Street had read enough about PTSD to know the dangers.

Buck looked at him with wide eyes. Like he just now realized that he wasn't alone in the room.

"What...?", he stuttered.

"I need you to take a nice deep breath for me Evan!", Street repeated.

It took a while till Buck responded. He took a stuttering breath.

"Thanks. And again. Just copy me. In and out. In and out." Street moved his hands, to show Buck how to breathe.

It seemed to work. It took them five more minutes of coached breathing, till Buck was back to his normal rhythm.

"Can I touch you Ev?", he asked as soon as he saw his boyfriend relax. Buck nodded soundlessly.

Slowly and with still raised hands, he got to his boyfriend and gathered him into his arms. And like a puppet on strings, Buck all but collapsed into his arms.

After half an hour and a little nap on Buck's side, Street's back started to protest against the awkward position on the floor.

"Evan love. It's time to wake up!"

Slowly Buck opened his eyes. Unsure he looked around.

"What's going on? Why are we on the floor?", he questioned. Street smiled. And back was the man he had fallen in love with.

"You had a bit of an anxiety attack. You were on the brink of hyperventilating when I intervened. After you had calmed down, you took a little nap. And as much as I love you my back is starting to protest against this position."

It was something, they had established, after the first time, Street had driven to Buck's in the middle of the night after Buck had called him in the mid of a panic attack. Back then, Buck had woken up and couldn't figure out, what was going on. So Street decided to just tell him. It was way easier this way.

"I am sorry I ruined your day. I know you were excited." Street sighed. Just Buck would apologize for having an anxiety attack. It once more made him want to hunt down and hurt the people which had hurt his boyfriend.

"Love. There is nothing you have to be sorry for. We can do the shopping together from home. Online is a thing you know?!" Buck actually smiled at the lame joke.

At this moment Street knew it would be okay. It would take time, but it would be worth it. Buck was one of the most loving and caring man, he had ever met. He gave Street the world, as long as Street was fine with doing it without an audience. And Street was fine with it. He had never felt as loved as with Buck.

And if they spend their afternoon on the couch with hot chocolate and Christmas Candy while doing online Christmas shopping instead of going to the mall, they at least had each other. And that was more than both of them had ever hoped for.