Unlucky

12. a heteronormative society

As expected, the sexuality crisis continues to torment me at night. It's all Lucia's fault, really, for bringing up our heteronormative world and making me reconsider my stance as an ally.

After a few hours together, we had barely studied. We spent the majority of our time just talking about random shit and getting into debates about Taylor Swift albums. I had won, and I think I convinced her that folklore is better than evermore. Or she just might have gone along with it just to get me to shut up. I wouldn't blame her, I do tend to get overly invested in small topics.

We had only called it a day because Lucia had said she had to get ready for a date with some guy. And to be honest, that did kind of annoy me.

I suppose it was for the best, we had barely actually studied. But I was having a great time with her, she was a breath of fresh air. She managed to challenge me on almost everything, even unknowingly, including my view of my own sexuality somehow.

I don't even know why I'm considering it a crisis, it's not like I could actually not be straight. But, it wouldn't be a complete waste of time to think it over. I'll just end this with a story explaining how I, as a straight and cisgender person, came to terms with my totally unexpected identity.

Lucia's one comment has made me spiral. On my computer, I've encountered an endless world full of words I've never heard and euphemisms for terms I didn't even know existed. Guides for figuring out your sexuality spit out the same tips over and over again.

One tip even states: Ask yourself if you're gay and analyze your emotions.

So, I do. "Irene, are you gay?" Nothing. I don't feel anything when it comes to that question. Another website recommends listing out any remotely gay related things I've ever done, so I do.

Irene's Gayest Acts

1. Looked up 'boobs' a lot as a teenager. (Could be because I was insecure about the size of my own.)

2. Have never had a crush on a guy. (High standards?)

3. The idea of getting married to a man and having sex with a guy makes me sick. (IDK, I don't have an explanation for this. Trust issues? Commitment issues? Maybe I just haven't found the right one yet.)

4. Back to #1, used to look up 'girls kissing'. (I was looking through the male lens, perhaps.)

6. Obsession with Kalani, my best friend from middle and high school. I wanted her all to myself. (Codependency!)

7. This list. Even coming up with this list and spending time on this could indicate I'm not as straight as I've always thought.

After writing down a few bullet points, I review the list and wonder what this means for me. #3 is not on my side at all, I mean, none of these are. I decide to create another list.

Irene's Straightest Acts

1. Dated a man.

2. Everyone thinks I'm straight, including Uma.

I try to think of more reasons, but I don't really have any. Is #1 even valid considering how that relationship ended? Dylan had literally cited me not being into him as a reason for our breakup. And he had brought it up that one time. . .

He had just said that because he was annoyed I wouldn't have sex with him though. I had told him I wasn't ready for that, the third time the conversation had been brought up in our relationship, and he had jokingly asked me if I was sure I wasn't a lesbian. Like that was the only valid reason for why someone wouldn't want to have sex.

I mean, it could be the reason for me though. I was never into Dylan, it took me forever me to finally accept him after his multiple failed attempts to hit on me. I did what was expected of me and dated him because that's what everyone wanted. Uma had designated us to the title: best supportive ally couple.

I've never been given a chance to really think about possibly not being straight.

Growing up, my friends always talked about their crushes on boys and made me feel weird for saying I never had any. I started picking random ones on purpose just to save myself from their comments. My parents would never welcome anything like that either, they always make small wishes about who my future husband will be and all of that shit.

In college, I also haven't been given the space to reconsider anything. Uma proudly declared me to be her supportive ally best friend on day one. I had accepted that label, because it's not I had any reason not to. Everyone cheered me on when I was dating Dylan.

I've always considered myself straight, but the facts are pointing in a different direction. And it's not like being gay would be a bad thing, it would just be. . . new.

I've always been sure about myself, my values, my beliefs, and my dreams. If I let something that big slip through the cracks, then what else am I wrong about?

I hate this heteronormative society.