my beta boy | ✎

Z10

“No,” Sistine said, even if she really wanted to say ‘yes’, “it isn’t like that. I just didn’t expect that you might want him too–”

“Why not? He’s relatively good looking. When you brought him here, I thought you were bringing him for me, anyway.” If Aem narrowed her eyes any more, they would disappear into a line of thick lashes, “Help me understand.”

Sistine sighed heavily and sat down next to her bunk-mate, “I don’t know, myself… but I… he makes me feel things.” She turned to look at Aem who had dropped the suspicious look and only seemed surprised, her hazel eyes wide and almost fearful.

Aem shook her head, “Don’t say that,” she hushed, looking around to see whether anyone might have overheard them.

“Don’t you think that there should be more to life than this, Aem?” Sistine clasped her hands and held them up but Aem pulled away.

“I happen to think that life is full of purpose, Society would crumble if not for us. Don’t you know how important we are? And is that not enough for you?” She said rapidly in hushed tones.

“I thought… if anyone would understand… it would be you.” Sistine sounded hurt.

“Whyever would you think that? I believe in everything that Society stands for. It’s clear that you don’t.” A frown marred Aem’s face and she turned away to fluff her pillow. “I think… you should go to bed.”

“Are you okay, Rho Sixteen?” The Gamma asked, pulling R16 into the present.

“Oh, yes, sorry, I feel a little out of it, sometimes…” Sistine said quickly, shaking the vestiges of the past out of her mind.

“That’s to be expected,” G22 answered, patting R16’s hands and helping her up. “There were studies about ‘pregnancy brain’ even back before the Great Collapse. Don’t be surprised when you find yourself misplacing things or forgetting why you entered a room.” She jotted down a remark in her clipboard and told her to make sure she took her supplements and that the clinic would send for her again next week before bidding her goodbye.

Weighed down by a complicated mix of feelings, R16 decided that the fresh air would do her some good, and despite being in a gown, she decided to step out into the garden in her fluffy slippers. Matriarch Manor may be a place of comfort, but it was stifling and she wished for wide open spaces.

She found a relatively secluded bench and sat down. One good thing about Matriarch Manor was that it was situated on a hill which overlooked District 7. She felt oddly alienated, but it slowly dawned on her why the Manor was so far removed from the rest of Society. If she weren’t so far away from the Academy, she might be tempted to steal back into her dormitory or try to catch B73. She wondered what he was doing right at that moment… was he missing her as much as she missed him? Or was he keeping busy without a moment to spare about Sistine?

Being alone gave her the freedom to cry and she thought back to what Z10 said about choices as her tears flowed freely. Smiling to herself, she decided that Society had no control over how their citizens felt. They should be allowed when they want to be happy or sad. Everyone should have the freedom to feel. Even while Society tried its best to stamp out attachments, there was no escaping the fact that relationships were inevitable. She had cried when she discovered that Aem wanted nothing to do with Sistine’s newfound perspective and distanced herself. She had thought that they had a special bond and that Aem would always stick by her side… but the moment she revealed that she might not quite agree with Society’s ways, Aem practically stopped talking to her. It was awkward for sure, but Sistine was able to find refuge in B73.

In order to avoid rousing suspicion, they made sure not to be seen together in public. They would decide on their next meeting before they said goodbye and if they did go to events, they made sure to mingle with other Society members. Sistine thought it was fun how they pretended to be polite with each other when they were in company, but when they were alone, they could talk about anything. She liked that they weren’t always intimate with each other when they were alone. It made what they had all the more special.