above all (m×m) ✔

39) him

Brandon let his hand, the one that was holding his phone, drop onto his lap. Mr. Callahan's voice faded into an indistinct murmur, and he knew he was being rude, but could do nothing to lift the phone back to his ear. He hadn't even realized how horrified he had been about the prospect of going to jail, until he found out he wasn't going to one. Relief rushed into his body, until all he could hear was the buzzing in his ears.

After what simultaneously felt like an eternity and a nanosecond, Brandon glanced down at his phone and found it had gone dark. Mr. Callahan had ended the call, possibly thinking that there was something wrong with the connection. Brandon scrambled up onto his feet, which felt wobbly underneath his weight. Steven had just come out of the shower, and Brandon went in search of him, wanting to tell him the good news.

"Are you hungry? I was thinking not anything greasy, but like sushi or.." Steven trailed off once he turned to look at Brandon. The look on Brandon's face transformed his smile into a frown, and his voice was alarmed when he asked: "What's wrong? Brandon? What's going on?"

"Steven." Was all Brandon could say. It came out like a plea, thick with emotion. He wanted to tell Steven that nothing was wrong, and that it was actually the opposite of bad news. He had made his way to Steven thinking he was bursting with joy, but found himself bursting into tears instead.

"Hey.." Steven breathed, then he was standing in front of Brandon, holding him up when his knees buckled. "It's okay." Steven murmured, following Brandon to the floor and engulfing him into the tightest of hugs. "We're okay." He whispered, brushing his hand up and down Brandon's back, kissing the top of Brandon's head.

"Steven." Was still all Brandon could put into words, and his chest ached as he struggled to heave in a lungful of air. "Steven." He clutched his arms around Steven's waist, digging his fingertips into his sides. "Steven.."

Brandon had this fear that if he didn't hold onto Steven, he would disappear. The thought filled Brandon with gut-wrenching dread, and he couldn't breathe. When Brandon did manage a proper breath, the gasping turned into sobs and he clutched his arms around Steven so hard he was afraid it was going to bruise him.

Brandon thought about the first time his father slapped him, and how he had just come home in hopes of comfort after having lost his favorite knit cap. Next up, the slide show of his memories supplied him one from that day his dad broke his arm and how terrified he had been to return home from the hospital. 

The mistakes Brandon had made as a child were nothing more than blunders all children made growing up. Yet, instead of being genially chastised over them, he had been yelled at, made fun of and kicked to the ground. He had done nothing to deserve that. He had been just as deserving to a safe household and loving parents as any other child was.

Brandon curled into himself, and Steven cradled him like one would a small child. He kept murmuring reassurances, sometimes repeating Brandon's name like Brandon repeated his. Steven was likely terrified, not knowing why Brandon was baffling his eyes out. After all, the last and only time Steven had seen him having a meltdown was after Shirley told them Trey was back.

Brandon hadn't corrected Trey when he misinterpreted him as someone cultured, sophisticated, but Brandon hadn't actually meant to deceive him. Later on, Brandon had told Trey they would be together forever. He had truly thought they would be together forever, but then Trey had made it impossible. It was all on Trey. 

The violence, the endless rage, the stalking, the jealousy, the pills, the bullet through his spine.

Even if Brandon had deceived him or let him down, no amount of lies or disappointment was a justification to violence. Even if Brandon had cheated on him, it wouldn't have been okay to isolate him from his friends, family or co-workers. Brandon hadn't deserved to be treated as possessions on good days and as a punching bag on bad.

For the first time, Brandon had it all pour out of his system, the sobs to shred through his chest and throat. He let himself feel how unfair it all was, and how much he had suffered. He finally realized how it had never been his fault, and he cried until his nose clogged up and he could have killed for a glass of water.

"Better?" Steven whispered, getting up to get Brandon a packet of tissues and a glass of juice. Brandon nodded before blowing his nose, and then gulped down the sweet, cold drink. He set the empty glass on the floor and slumped against Steven's chest, sighing. Steven asked, cautiously: "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I.." Brandon lifted his head and pushed back his hair from his face. "They dropped the charges."

"They what?" Steven breathed, staring at Brandon with a blank look before the confusion turned to a wide-eyed, open-mouthed grin. He cupped Brandon's face between his hands, and asked again, louder: "Are you for real? They dropped the charges?"

"Yeah. It's over." Brandon told him, not knowing whether to laugh or cry again. He opted on smiling, still afraid to let the news sink in. If he had learned anything in his life, it was that if something seemed too good to be true, it usually was.

"Holy Hell, Brandon. Way to scare a man." Steven exclaimed, shaking his head. "Here I was, thinking that you're going to prison or something."

"Sorry, I don't know what.. that was." Brandon muttered, too worn out to be embarrassed about it.

"Come on, let's take this to the couch. I'm too old to sit on the floor." Steven hummed and stood up, holding out his hand for Brandon. "And then we are going to talk this through."

Brandon sighed, but took Steven's hand and let him guide him to the couch. At first Brandon didn't know what to say, or even if he wanted to say anything at all, but then the words started to flood out of his mouth. He told Steven about how afraid he had spent his whole childhood, and how his father had made Brandon feel like he was the bad one. Like it was somehow all on him that his father couldn't be a decent human being. 

Then Brandon admitted how badly Steven's reaction on him not being able to go to the event had actually wounded him, asking for Steven to be more patient with him in the future. It felt weird to ask for what he needed, and not be afraid that the other part would get pissed off by being criticized. Steven didn't get angry, but, again, promised to do better in the future and explained why he had reacted the way he did. That he did understand why going out was sometimes too much for Brandon, and that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Brandon spoke about Trey next, and how Brandon didn't want Steven to think of him as a liar. He refused to go into details about the abuse, because looking back at that was still too painful and he didn't want to have another panic attack. But he did talk about that evening, and how it had made him feel. Then about the call he had just gotten, and how somehow the stress from having to go to the court unraveling had finally been the last straw leading him to his meltdown. 

"I'm sorry, I'm whining your ears off." Brandon muttered when he was done talking, hiding his face in his hands.

"No, I'm just glad you're finally talking about these things." Steven reassured him, voice filled with honesty, relief and a little bit of tears. "It feels good to get it out, doesn't it?"