S^x with a Ghost| Fyolai AU

|* Killed The Cat *|

A chilling wind swept across the ground, the leaves dragging along and scraping away at one another.

They crackled underneath the weight of my every step I took along the pathway, my eyes still boiling with anger. I still had the news I had received nearly an hour earlier digging at the back of my mind. I didn't know what to think anymore, what to expect, how to even feel. It just felt so... so empty in the void of my emotions. I couldn't help but be traumatized by it all. To think it took the span of a single day to have my life tear itself to bits. Apart of me actually was convinced I was going crazy. Maybe I was going crazy at the time, all of the stress and pressure of the situation was causing my anxiety to spike and I only had one thing on my mind at the time.

I wanted to see Nikolai. I was desperate for his comfort and his heavenly presence. If guardian angels existed he was the closest thing I had to one right now.

My violet eyes searched tree to tree... I was so disoriented that I didn't even realize the enormous oak tree we use as our usual meeting spot was looming right above my head as I was about to call out Nikolai's name, yet I could feel every word I wanted to speak waning in my throat. As if there was something blocking my esophagus and trying to choke me from the inside out. Maybe it was my guilt... like survivors guilt or something? I couldn't help but blame myself for my mother's death... she shouldn't have killed herself... it was my fault. It had to be. I wish someone could just tell me I did nothing wrong... that I didn't have an impact on this event. That I was good son... that I did something right.

Those were the words I wanted to hear so badly. That is all I truly wanted to hear slip from someone's lips... that and Nikolai's chipper and handsome voice. I could always find a sense of comfort in the rhythm of his tone and words. They soothed me and made me feel even better and that's what I needed to hear in this very moment... I had to hear it.

The brisk air entered my senses as I listened to everything around me, trying to catch a hint of something that would signal to Nikolai's location. My violet eyes scanning tree to tree... leaf to leaf. I was truly desperate for something— anything at all. I could feel tears staining the corners of my eyes, drenching my retinas and such. I hated it... I hated crying and I always have, even if I don't do it often. I tried to wipe them away with my hands yet it was no use and they would just come back again and again, dripping down my cheeks and onto the sullen ground below. I couldn't get rid of my sadness, in or outside of myself.

Yet I just stopped trying altogether once I realized that. I kept my wary eyes trained on my path, the snapping of branches causing my blood pressure to skyrocket out of fear and alarm. But it would always just be the traveling thrush or so. I don't remember the forest ever being so eerie, not in all the times I had visited it.

It seemed like some horror movie set now, with the fog rolling in and masking a few dead bushes, casting shadows and having my mind play tricks on me. I could already tell that coming here was probably going to be my mental states undoing, not that it was even in the best of conditions with the situation I was currently in anyways. Actually I was probably on the brink of a panic attack right now... and that wasn't something I wanted to experience in a forest, alone, so I did my best to suppress it and shoved my anxiety into the back of my mind.

It made me rap my hand on my head, my fingertips tearing through my soft, raven black hair. I was at a standstill and was just staring off into the gathering fog with my gaze shifting to one of annoyance and inconvenience.

"Nikolai...? Where are you?" I called out in my Russian accent that seemed to echo in the spans of just trees and branches. As if no life had heard anything of what I was saying. It was just silence and the quickening and dreadful sound of my heart beating into my throat.