The Devil's Redemption | ✓

|89| The misery

He doesn't know I followed her, or that we saw each other after what happened at court. I meant to tell him but I never found the courage. It was too fucking hard, it still is, because I fear that if someone else knows, it will become a reality. And I don't want it to be real.

"I guarantee you she does not want to see me." Definitely not after what I said to her.

If I thought I had gone through tough shit in the past I was wrong, nothing compares to how difficult telling her those three words were. "Maybe you shouldn't", were not the three words I should have said. They were not the three words I wanted to say.

Because all I wanted was to scream that I loved her too, that I was sorry for everything I have put her through, and that I would try to be better but I couldn't. It wouldn't have been fair, not after everything she said.

I was slowly killing her. That's what she said and I can't get it out of my head.

How I'm I supposed to hear that and keep trying to make her stay? It's obvious that she deserves better, she always has, I was just too selfish to do something about it until now. So instead of fighting for her, I fight myself to let her live the kind of life a woman as amazing as she should live. A life I wished I could give her.

I wish I could just disappear, vanish from her mind and heart, allowing her to forget about me and let her live the life she truly deserves. One without me and all the pain I caused her.

But obviously, I know that's not possible and in the same way, I probably will always hold a space in her head she also will never leave mine, she invades my every thought, and every day I become more and more miserable. I haven't left this bed if not to go to the bathroom. My day consists of eating, taking pills, and sleeping. It's fucking pathetic but at least the pills help me forget for a little bit.

"I think you are wrong, Carlos. I know something happened between you two after court, I'm not stupid and I'm not telling you that you should call her to try and fix this because I'm sure she has her reasons to be mad at you right now but I think that she would like to know that you are in the hospital. Two broken ribs are no joke, I don't even know how you were able to walk for that long that day." Of course, he knew, I should have guessed he did.

"She is better off without me, can we stop talking about this now?" I'm done with this shit. With everything.

"Why would you think that?" He actually means that question and I can't understand how he can't see the answer.

Isn't it obvious?

"Have you seen me, Rick? I'm the definition of messed up, my mother killed herself when I was eighteen, my wife died of cancer a year after we got married, my dad is trying to hunt me down, ruin me or I don't even know anymore, my business is falling apart, my brother is prison waiting for trial, and to top it off I'm missing a fucking leg. Now tell me, in what world is she better off with me by her side?"

For a while, he doesn't say anything he just looks at me but I can't tell what he is thinking, I don't know if he feels sorry for me if he is surprised I think this way, or simply just disappointed but then he speaks and I understand it was the first one.

"We all deserve a chance, son."

I don't think I deserve one, I never have but for some reason, I still don't understand I got it, I got my chance, yet I fucked it up, proving that I indeed didn't deserve it to start with.

"I had mine, Rick, and I blew it up. I'm not going to put her through this again."

"Carlos..."

"Please, leave it. It's already hard enough." I fight my tears the same way I have been fighting them all my life. Sucking it all down, all the pain, all the misery.