Finding The Right Way

Chapter 7

ATHENA PARKS

-What the hell is wrong with you?! I cried, pushing James so hard that he fell on my bed. You broke up with Bree?! That's crazy! I continued shouting in a high pitched voice.

Let me backup for a second, I saw James waiting for me in the hallway, we had spent an unknown amount of time staring at each other. Eventually, I invited him in and the first thing he tells me is that he broke up with the love of his life. That guy must have hit his head pretty hard. He must have been in agony right now, and yet he was flashing one of his brightest smiles to me. Did he have a concussion? Was he insane?

-Explain yourself. I demanded.

For the first time, I saw James stuttering, playing with his fingers...not knowing what to say. His eyes focused on his shoes. He was trying to speak, clearing his throat several times but not a single word came out. I was worried and sat beside him.

-I'm sorry. I really thought I had prepared my speech enough times before coming.

-Calm down and take your time. I said in a gentle voice.

-I'm in love with you. He stammered.

Right then. Right at that moment, the world froze. My world froze. Nothing was coming in or out. The most beautiful words I had been willing to hear were said. Finally. I wish that my movie had ended right there. That what I did after didn't count. That my ending would be "And they lived happily ever after..." However, I was surprised when I started laughing. Laughing as if it was the best joke of the year. I got up, laughing so hard that I had my hands around my stomach, tears in my eyes.

-Why are you laughing? He asked, hurt.

-That's not possible. I managed to choke out. You can't be in love with me.

Immediately, a blog page started to draw itself in my mind, the words were being typed really fast, I hoped that I wouldn't forget them so as to be able to type the words later but I knew that I would. Silly me...not having a pen all the time...

"Not knowing:

Not knowing how to feel is the worst. You ask yourself several times, is this real? Is this really happening? Am I being manipulated? What should I do? You wish those things would have never happened to you in the first place but deep down, in a tiny corner of your mind, you're glad it did. You're so overwhelmed and mentally exhausted every single day but still...your heart skips a beat everytime you see him, every time his eyes are locked on yours...your heart pounding against your chest, so close to getting ripped off. And yet...you don't care...because he is here. To him, you are an open book. In a second, he can make you shout out your most profound envies but fears too. Your insecurities, your flaws...everything is escaping like particles in steam from boiling water. And everytime...everytime you say something personal or cringy...immediately, guilt fills you up. Guilt and regret. Should I have said that? Does that make me pathetic? Sad? Lonely? Or worse...needy? You give the wrong impression, the wrong words, the wrong tone...sure, you can blame nervosity. But is it the only factor?

You want him to want you as much as you want him. To seek your touch, your atmosphere, your feel...your smile, your lame puns and jokes. You want him to devour you with his eyes and beg for a second just to taste your lips. Because it's not fair that you feel everything and he is empty, is it? Not equivalent at all. Not safe either because maybe you have been misinterpreting the signs all along? Maybe...maybe it was just all fake, just a movie you played for yourself. Just a possibility that has zero chance of happening in any universe.

And yet...just by his presence...you feel complete. Free. It is strange...no doubt about that. Confusing and surprisingly suspicious. Why would you fall for anyone while no one is crushing hard on you? You still have no explanation on how illogical it is. And you don't care. Love is not logical. Are you actually believing that theory? You of all people? Probably. Yes.