Finding The Right Way

Chapter 4

ATHENA PARKS

Oh my god! Why did I refuse? Was I crazy? My past self would have accepted without even looking back, without even thinking twice and here I was...laying on my bed, reliving the interview I had in the office for the hundredth time. I had cursed myself several times already. The worst part was that I didn't dare to talk about this to anyone, it was a decision I had to take on my own. I only had myself and well...the ceiling above me.

It had been twenty four hours since I last talked to Professor Jenkins. I hadn't slept at all and even if I did, I would wake up with nightmares. I had been pacing around my room for ages now, it was easier though, Bree was on her date night with James and most of my friends were busy. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't annoyed or even angry...sometimes I was thrilled and excited that my work was finally recognised. I knew that I couldn't let my emotions cloud my judgments, I had to make the right decision. So, like every mindful person on this planet, I made a list of pros and cons.

Let's start with the pros first, if I took the scholarship, I could have the adventurous life I had always wanted. Live the dream! Nothing would hold me back...except the obstacles on the way of course. My work would be recognised. It would be corrected so that I could improve. I would be doing the only thing I had always loved, the only thing that made me feel complete when I was at my lowest. I would be free from everything and would live in my small multi-verse, in my comfort zone. I wouldn't need to prove myself to anybody or make a name for myself.

Sure I would be poorer...but that was never an issue for me. Wealth was the least of my worries. Although...money could come in handy if there were future expenses. But I could always save more and take a loan if needed, right? I have never needed a lot to live, doing the thing that I loved was always enough to make me happy. Yes...if I took the scholarship...I would definitely be happy no matter what happened because I would be writing! Expressing myself all day long! No need to wait for my roommate to be asleep anymore or tell me to shut up when I had wild theories about the world! I could just type...feel the energy and fire escaping my fingers on my keyboard.

To the cons now, if I took it, I would be away from my family...my friends. The ones with whom I belonged. The ones with whom I felt loved and valued. They were all amazing in their own way and it would be such a pain to leave such wonderful people behind. Luck struck me when I met them, would luck chase me again? To be honest, I didn't want to leave. Last year was confusing and exhausting but being at Stanford felt like home, being with my friends was like having a second family. I felt good where I was. But I knew that if I didn't take the scholarship, I would regret it for the rest of my life, and would keep wondering what my life could have been like if I had taken it. I didn't want regret to swallow me up.

I sighed, trying to pull back the tears threatening my eyes. I got up and looked outside, Mackenzie and Aiden were chasing each other just in front of the library. When he finally caught her, they both fell on the grassy floor, giggling like a bunch of four year olds. I smiled...I possibly couldn't leave this place, could I? It would always come and haunt me, begging me to come back. Leaving would be a mistake, a gigantic one. I knew what life I was giving up when I started studying neuroscience. My parents depended on me, no matter how much they denied it, I knew it was true. They were my responsibility. What would they think if I left Standford for Minnesota?

However...this scholarship was a one in a lifetime opportunity and...I let out an annoyed groan. I couldn't even make a list! The pros were getting mixed in the cons! That was how confused and irritated I was. I needed James and one of his polar bear hugs...was that so hard to believe? Punching the wall wouldn't solve anything. All those feelings needed to be gotten rid of. My heart wanted me to stay but my brain was imploring...it wanted me to go.