Something Wicked 🏳️‍🌈 (bxb)

11: Keeping him warm

I dragged fistfuls of threadbare bed sheet over my head. "Just...someone I can't ever be with."

"Why not?"

I was so fucking tempted to tell all. Because my crime family had killed his fiancée. Because we were both trapped on the Alcor case together to seek death by revenge. Because I was felonious trash who had no business being with anybody, let alone someone as brilliant and noble and caring as Dante. 

I took the easy way out. "He's a cop."

"You're doing police fieldwork for free, you're living with a Detective Inspector, and you're hot for a police officer. Have you ever considered, I don't know," Robby ruffled my almost-waves of hair, "joining the police force?"

"Shut up, Robby." I sat up, before flopping pathetically back down onto the bed. "This cop lost someone to Alcor too. He's in a bad place and I wanna be there for him, but," I pressed my palms to my dried-out eyes, "I'm not stupid. We're friends, but I know he'd never wanna..."

"Dude," Robby whispered. "You're talking about this guy like...like how I used to talk about Jing."

I balled the bed sheet into a makeshift pillow and wedged it under my head. "Can I borrow your thousand dollars?"

He barked with laughter. "Fuck, no. What do you need that kinda money for?"

"I'm leaving María."

"What?" Robby shuffled down the bed so that we were eye-to-eye. "Don't fucking tell me you're actually thinking of going to Riyadh to fuck up Alcor! You'll get a sniper bullet in your head the moment you get off the plane!"

"Fine!" I turned away from him, giving my almost-pillow a few punches for good measure. "I'll find the money some other way."

"Take some time out, man. Mourn for your Mom. I'm here if you need me, but I'm not gonna pay for you to die in Saudi. Besides, I really need my money to rent an apartment. I can't bring Gina back to this fucking place."

"Or Jade." It was a shitty thing to say, but I let the words fall outta my mouth anyway. "Unless you don't actually wanna see her more than every other Saturday."

"That's all the visitation Jing gave me!"

"Did you tell Jing how much you miss her and Jade? Did you tell her how much you cried in jail? You love your babymama so much. You love your little girl so much. Why are you wasting your time trying to get with fucking shriek-voice Gina Lawrence, who's probably gonna throw you outta Black Dahlia in a few months like she did their old drummer?"

Robby clambered up from the bed and marched outta the room. The sound of godawful rap-metal burst from the kitchen's tinny radio. I snuggled into the mattress, the cloth of the bed sheet stuffed against my ears while Robby slammed cupboard doors in the kitchen.

I got him. I did. Striving for the things he truly needed—regaining his ex-girlfriend and kid's trust—was hard work. It took pain and toil and effort, and after that he still might not get Jing and Jade back. Way easier to push away and sabotage everything he really cared about. At least that way he could pretend he'd had control over it all.

My hypocritical ass was no different, clinging to easy, reckless shit. Shit like throwing myself off buildings and parading myself in front of Vogel assassins. Shit like stoking idiotic dreams of marrying Leila when she'd clearly moved on, just so I wouldn't have to bother trying to become a better person for a future partner. Shit like going back to Saudi to kill her. I knew in my heart that they'd pump me with bullets before I'd touch a single hair on her perfect head. And none of it was gonna bring Mamá back anyway.