Zephyr Strings

Kabanata 5

Is that why he always looks sleep-deprived? Is that why Cohen said he almost had no time for his girlfriend? And now that I said those things, I gave him another burden to carry.

Imbis na mabawasan ang guilt na nararamdaman, lalo lang iyong lumala sa mga natanto. I messed up more than I expected.

Umigting ang panga ni Casimir nang hindi ako magsalita. It seemed like he had waited for my answer. I wanted to answer that, but for some reason, I couldn't.

He shook his head and went inside. Doon ko lang namalayan na hindi na pala ako humihinga. I sighed and felt my heart beat normally again. Sinapo ko ang aking ulo, naiirita sa sarili.

Wala akong alam sa buhay ng kahit sino sa paligid ko. I may know some of it, but it's not half or one-eighth of it. Kagaya ni Cohen. I grew up with him. Ngunit nang umuwi siya ng Pinas, hindi na niya alam ang mga nangyari sa buhay ko.

I decided not to tell him everything. And I guess he has things he's never told me, too. At ganoon din siguro si Casimir sa girlfriend niya. He doesn't have time for Sahri because he has to juggle work, school, and pressure from his father.

And I bet he can't just tell her those things. He probably decided to keep everything from her. Like I did to my family and friends. And if Sahri is indeed cheating or will cheat on him, I'll really feel bad for him.

Communication makes everything easy, but communicating is like swallowing a stone. Mahirap. If opening up is easy, I guess everyone will have a smooth life.

And as someone who doesn't like opening up, I know the struggles. The fear of being judged, pitied, blamed, and invalidated—those are the scary possibilities of opening up to someone.

There are two possible outcomes when you open up to someone. Either your wound will be amended or it will be cut deeper than it already is.

After that talk with him, I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I feel like I just crossed the line, and I still feel guilty about it. Kung p'wede nga lang magpalit ng upuan ay baka ginawa ko na.

But I don't want him to think that I'm avoiding him just because of that. So far, normal ang mga naging kilos niya. He sometimes talks to our classmates. I even saw him smiling at their jokes. Mukhang madali lang naman palang ngumiti para sa kaniya. Bakit parang hirap siya sa tuwing nag-uusap kami?

"This will be your first presentation this semester. The groupings will consist of four members. Random and pagpili. I'll give you the rest of the first semester to do that. Also, your group will be your group for our other group works and activities," si Mr. Romualdo, ang prof namin sa Art Appreciation.

I sighed. Groupings. How I hate this kind of school activity. I am not effective when it comes to it.

"You will sit beside your group mates. So when I call your names, kindly stand up and occupy each row from one until the last.

Nagtayuan ang mga nakaupo sa harapan nang nagsimula nang magtawag si Mr. Romualdo. I glanced at Casimir when he stood up. Sinabit niya ang itim na backpack sa kaliwa niyang balikat at binitbit ang laptop niyang nakabukas.

Tumayo na rin ako dahil tinawag na ang pangatlong grupo. I left the third row and let them occupy the chairs.

"Hayes, Udtuhan, Lim, and Chavez."

I yawned. Hindi maayos ang tulog ko nitong mga nakaraang gabi dahil sa mga bangungot na paulit-ulit na bumibisita sa akin. Kung wala lang akong pills na iniinom baka hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong tulog kahit kaunti.

"Sato, Lopez, Escareal, and Velarde."

I stopped myself from being surprised. Sinulyapan ko si Casimir na nagtungo na sa panghuling row. Nilapag niya ang kaniyang bag at laptop sa lamesa. He sat and put his hands inside the pocket of his black hoodie jacket.