Gracious

Chapter 34

"They're okay, some more than others", the unfairness of it all, the fact that most of my brothers were so happy right now, while the other two were dealing with grief and anger at the world...I didn't know what we'd done to deserve it.

Never had, never would.

"Xander?", she asked and I gave a firm nod, "I have to say, and I'm not being biassed because he's been coming here for five years, he's made huge amounts of progress Zane".

"You probably know him better than I do", I told her, picking at my fingernails, "he doesn't talk to me anymore".

Not that he ever really did in the first place.

Wren nodded, uncrossing her legs and standing, surprising me by dropping onto the sofa to my left and facing me fully.

"He's got a lot of emotions, a lot of thoughts, anger, anxiety, for a boy his age", she stated, "and he's a teenager now, that alone comes with its difficulties".

"Tell me about it", I muttered, "it's like he's gotten worse, and on top of that he's getting harder to get through to".

"As much as I keep most aspects of our sessions confidential, I always say that I'll inform you of things that may cause a little more concern-,", with the direction this was going in, I wasn't gonna make it fifteen minutes into this meeting without having a fucking panic attack.

"What's happened?", I asked frantically, "has he said something bad? Is he keeping things from me?". My breathing quickened and I picked at my nails again, the on-edge feeling only increasing as I stayed planted in this chair.

"Breathe", she advised me and I shut up, "Xander has described to me how he feels like a burden, that his anger is debilitating at times, that he doesn't know what to do". He was fourteen for fuck's sake- and this was how he was feeling?

"He said that?", my voice out weak, I barely even recognised it, "I need to know how to help him Wren, I can't lose him, I-,". I pressed a hand onto my chest as the tight sensation overcame me, my fingers beginning to cramp up.

Not now.

My eyes squeezed shut without a second thought, the erratic thrum of my heart only making me panic more and more; I was well and truly falling over the edge of sanity and it felt as if there was nothing I could do to save myself, let alone my brother.

"You're safe Zane, listen to my voice", Wren's words broke through the noise in my head and I pressed on my chest harder, "take as long as you need, you're okay". Was I? Because it felt like I was barely hanging on a thread right now, how the fuck could I keep them afloat if I couldn't do the same for myself?

~

It took me at least five minutes to open my eyes, and a further fifteen to compose myself enough to even dare continue the conversation at hand. Wren, as patient as ever, stayed seated beside me the entire time both still and silent, and I fucking appreciated it more than anything.

"I'll only continue this if you're up to it Zane", she sat beside me again, this time with a plastic cup of water in her hand, "we can always postpone or-,".

"I don't want to postpone", I shook my head, taking the drink from her gratefully, "I'm okay". If she saw past my lies she didn't comment on it, merely nodding and clearing her throat as if nothing had happened.

"I think the main thing that needs focusing on is getting Xander to open up, while also letting him know he's in control here, that he has space, that we're not forcing anything out of him", I nodded in agreement, wanting nothing more than to know what was going on in my brother's head, "I'd like to have a few sessions with you here too, so I can gage what Xander's like with you present...if he's more closed off, hesitant, or maybe more open".