Found her

Chapter 35 | For Sadie

S A D I E

'Sadie!'

My eyes snap up from my notes, only to meet Ezra's eyes.

'Ezra?'

'Hello! I haven't seen you in a while.' He grins that Ezra Parker smile.

'You stopped coming.' I state the obvious.

Ezra's smile wavers. 'You moved on.' He shrugs.

'I-I did?'

'Yes, Say, you did.'

I gasp out, breathing heavily.

'Ezra?'

No reply. Just a dream.

Ezra stopped coming. I stopped seeing him.

'You moved on.'

I have wanted to move on from his death for a long time. I wanted to stop crying about it. To stop blaming myself. To stop even thinking about it. But these past few months, I was... distracted. Between school and Lucas and friends, Ezra has just become a second thought.

I actually moved on.

It's a good thing, isn't it?

Then why do I feel guilty?

I flop back onto the bed, then sit back up again. I make up my mind and wear my fluffy duck slippers, the cold air hitting me the second I get out from under the covers. I put on one of Lucas' sweaters and head to the room right across from mine and sit on the floor in front of it.

I haven't set foot in my brother's room since he died. Mom would pop in sometimes, only to come out teary-eyed and sad, and I doubt Dad went in his room.

I sit in silence, just staring at the door, with the neat plaque bearing Dr. Ezra Parker in neat letters. I stay like that for a while, just staring at the door. I spare a glance at the clock beside the door. 1: 53 AM.

I take a deep steadying breath, and place a hand on the doorknob.

The sound of laughing children fills the room.

Jaxon screams, dodging Ezra's outstretched hand. He laughs as he runs up the stairs, and runs straight into Ezra's room, where I was sitting. He runs over me and grabs my hand, and we both get up and start jumping and yelling.

'We won! We won!'

Ezra comes in, laughing. 'Come on. Another round?'

'Yes!'

I take another breath, and push open the door.

The room is untouched. The bed made the way Ezra likes it, edges tucked at the sides. His pillows still arranged the same way. The table is still filled with open medical books, papers and forms. His plaques and certificates that are up on the wall are coated with a thin layer of dust. A book lays on the bedside table, a bookmark still placed between the pages.

It seems as if he would just walk through the door.

I sit on the floor beside his bed, where a stack of papers lay. I hesitantly grab the one at the top.

Miss. May Colins.

Age: 10 years old.

And below, In Ezra's slanty handwriting,

Cancer. Sadie's friend.

I frown. May Colins? I don't recall a May Colins.

I grab another paper.

Mr. James Alexander Jr.

Age: 13 years old.

Cancer. SPECIAL CARE! Orphan!

I sigh, placing the papers back. The book on the bedside table catches my eye.

Persuation.

I smile. Jane Austen. Ezra like Jane Austen.

I suddenly feel closer to my older brother.

I hesitantly reach out to grab it. The book is worn out and crumpled, the colors on the cover fading. My finger lingers on the little star sticker on the corner.

'Ezra! I got a star at school!'

'You did?'

'Yes! You can have it!'

I smile slightly.

I ruffle through the pages. Ezra liked to annotate his books. The margins were filled with little notes in his slanty cursive handwriting.

'Say?'

I jump up and turn around frantically, but instantly relax when I see Mom. She looks around the room, a sad smile on her face. She site beside me on the floor, and leans her head on my shoulder.

A warmth spreads around my body that only a mother can be responsible for.

'Couldn't sleep?' Mom asks, breaking the silence.

'No.' I admit. 'I kept thinking about...'

'Him.' She nods, looking at the book in my lap. 'He used to annotate the books so he can give them to you when you grow up.' She says.

'Really?'

'Yeah. Look over there.' She whispers, pointing towards a stack of books on his table. I head over to see a little yellow sticky note on top of them.

For Sadie.

That's all it takes for the tears to come. A sob escapes my mouth as I reach out to touch the edges of the books.

Little Women.

Tears skate down my cheeks.

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

Mom moves beside me, wrapping her arms around me as I sob pathetically into her shoulder.

I realised I have drowned myself in the ocean of self-pity and hate. I forgot how to live freely, without the shadow of guilt following me everywhere. I was anchored deep, deep down, unable to breathe.

***

Double Update Hopefully