Public diary-?

Jealousy/friends

I know that one of my big toxic traits is jealousy.. I get so scared of other people sneaking there way into a friendship of mine and stealing them from me, like taking candy from a child. I want to throw a tantrum, I want to tell them how they are being a bitch when in reality I'm getting in over my head.. my friends do NOT belong to me, I do not own them and yet I want to be their number one forever..

•earlier•
This last year has been very stressful.. I thought I'd stay best friends with this one group of friends that I've known since 6th grade, until we got off on the wrong hand. Sure we're on good terms NOW but we're so different now, we barley talk to each other and I feel all alone.. like they WANT to drift apart and use "friends drift apart at the beginning of high school🤷‍♀️" excuse. It was probably a little before the halfway point of the school year when I was forced to start sitting alone at our lunch table, well my lunch table I guess. I remember so many amazing memories of sitting at the same table laughing our butts off and tell each other funny jokes or gossip to one another. We hung out all the time. Until I had to go and mess it up, I got into a mini fight with one of my guy friends and I guess he went over to them and told them. I said I was sorry, and I am still genuinely sorry and will forever feel guilty about this. They moved away from me to sit and a different table for lunch, I remember fighting the tears from breaking everyday while everyone stared at me as if I was a joke. Although through out this whole ordeal one friend stuck with me, he would sometimes come over and have lunch with me and even offer me a new seat at there table but I knew they didn't want me there so I declined his sweet sweet offer. Soon his visits became less and less often until he didn't come over anymore.

In the midst of healing from this and feeling bad about myself I made a new friend. He's funny and crazy and knows how to crochet. We often gossip and he loves to talk about Spanish with me. Even though it gets real boring sometimes, I still listen because I SEE his passion for it. He says that in his free time after Spanish class he goes home and tries to learn more because he wants to be able to talk with his Abuela and I think that is just terrific. I love seeing his enjoyment talking about something he loves. I actually got close to him in gym class, I saw him sitting alone and didn't want to exclude him, sure I've noticed his existence through the years but he was also part of the popular mean girl group so I thought he was a stuck up jerk for so long until I saw him alone more and more. So I thought why not and be his partner for a while, we didn't talk much but the more I partnered with him the more we grew close.

Then another person came along and she's kinda over the top and funny. I met her in gym just like the other guy. I liked her at first but she gets to hang around my other new friend more and grow closer to him while I'm here in the dust again, making me feel jealous once again. Like she's stealing him from me. This also happened in 7th grade, I had this one best friend, I loved getting his attention it was almost like a drug...until I introduced him to another girl I had just met, then they got along better than me and him and did the same things I would do with him until eventually they started doing it on their own leaving me again.. I guess i was so afraid of this happening again with my other friend I just kinda curled up again just waiting for it.
•present•
So I'm in band right? And ever since the school year ended I've now joined the high-school band.. I've met the upperclassmen and new people, and I've grown pretty close to especially one of them, I tell her everything and gossip with her but let's put her aside for a minute.
This other  girl is someone I want to bring up, I've been friends with her since she joined my other main group before we fought. I've also been friends with her because we're in band together and are the same instrument. It's funny because when I first met her I HATED her, once again I thought she was stealing my best friend from me but I soon became close with her and I've become fond of her. But recently I've noticed a change in her, and I don't know if I'm just imagining things or this is really happening and no one else cares but me..
she's changed... a lot. We'll probably not a lot, I mean she's still nice, kind of. But she seems more mature. Like she's changed because of this highschool stuff or something. She doesn't talk to me anymore unless I ask her something. And when I do try she either responds with one word or almost puts me down in a way that no one else really notices.. if I don't get something done or I'm stressed about something usually I'd vent about it to her but now all she says these days are stuff like "wait you didn't...look over the music?" Or "you should have this memorized by now, everyone else is doing it why can't you?" And she gives me this "omg this is so embarrassing" kind of look. Let's bring back the other girl I met in high school band, now the friend that "changed" is not only ignoring me but talking more and more to the other girl, IM SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. When we're in line she'll rudely look over at the other girl next to me, lean over and start a conversation right then and there as if I don't exist. I'm trying my hardest to get close to the girl group but she keeps on taking my spot. She keeps on moving father and farther into their group while I'm back here... once again...
She's over there all happy and giddy laughing and almost gossiping with them, and when I try to say something, someone talks over me or I'm just ignored. Am I just imagining things or is she really trying to steal this from me? Am I a toxic person??

1144 words