Public diary-?

Staring

Do you ever just stop for a second in front of a mirror and just stare at anything, Where you could almost lose yourself? The more you stare the deeper your thoughts dig yet you still can't look away. It's almost as if your trapped in a cage with only your thoughts to accompany you. Sometimes, I really do lose it and end up staring for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Most of the time I'm so entirely confused. I don't know how I'm feeling because when I try I can never focus on what's wrong, on what's making me feel like this. I really want to say this is just a cry out for attention because I feel like it is, but another big part of me is saying "no. This is something else."

I've come to hate most therapists, the first time I went to one of them I only stayed for a short while but, when I was forced to come back, the only other person I felt comfortable talking to... was gone. I just know someone out there is feeling this exact way. It's something you can't exactly explain because there is no short word or phrase to show you what I think and feel. But this a story where I will try to give you a understanding of me.

People say they never want to get into showers because they can never get out, Now I could only guess that they can't because it's so warm or cold (if they like cold showers.) But for me I take extremely long ones because all I ever do is sit. On the ground, and let the water take over. Sometimes I turn the water so hot that I feel like I'm on fire but I don't care. The shower is one of the many places where I completely lose myself physically and mentally.

It's hard to cry. It's hard to cry because when I want to, nothing wants to come out. I can never really focus on what to cry about because my mind is so filled it constantly looks over things to fast.

I hate my school but love my teachers, isn't that a odd thing?  Everyone seems to think that having a illness or condition is a "aesthetic" and choosing the way you love someone or what your identity is, also think that's an "aesthetic" Often kids at my school who act crazy say "oh I have ADHD so it's okay" when it's really not you can't just use ADHD as an excuse because speaking from experience, people with ADHD don't act crazy constantly.

I've come to kind of dislike breaks whether winter break or a weekend even it's just too much time to leave me with my thoughts. Often I feel like my worse enemy is the thoughts inside my head. now believe me, I've tried so many things to help like drawing what I feel, that failed miserably or spending time with my family, they ask to many questions. people my age like my friends are often a distraction to keep me away from the dark room of thoughts but it never lasts as long as I wish it would but I still cherish every one of those moments.

In the next chapter I will probably talk about anger and my issues with it until then cya
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