The Devil's Redemption | ✓

|85| The missing us

I would love to have him with me, but I can't handle any distractions and for better or for worst Carlos distracts me, he is always on my mind and I just need a break. Just one day to focus on myself.

"Okay, I get it. But I still can go early, right? Drive with you?" He kind of looks like a lost puppy, following me around the room trying to look for instructions. It's both painful and adorable.

"Of course, my dad, Rick, and I will wait for you in front of the building. We will go in my dad's car. Rick said he will follow us in a car with other men just to make sure." I finally stop and turn to meet him.

"I don't like the idea of being away from you, it feels strange." He mutters slowly placing his hand on my hip, there's nothing sexual about it, it's just him reaching for me as he always used to do, it's what brings him comfort.

"I will be back after the trial, it's just a few hours Carlos. Not even a day." I allow him to get closer knowing that he needs this. Last night it was me, now it is him.

And carefully his left hand travels up to my face. Holding my cheek as he looks down at me. I think I'm never going to get used to looking at him from this angle. His body shadows me completely, and to be able to stare into his eyes I have to look up as I just barely pass his shoulders.

"You will call me, when you get to your dad's house and tomorrow, in the morning and before leaving to court." He phrases it like a question but really it's a statement and if it were someone else I wouldn't like it but from him, I don't mind it.

I like that he is protective of me, protective, not controlling. It's important to know the difference.

"I will, I will send you a picture if necessary so you know I'm okay." I smile timidly the way he is staring at making me a little nervous. His gaze holds way too much power over me.

Yesterday when he came to find me by the fountain I didn't dare to turn around to face him. But that didn't mean I didn't need him because I did, his comfort helped a lot. That meeting with Mark, it scared me, it scared me shitless but Carlos was there and for five minutes everything went back to how it used to be. How I wish we could always be. I knew the bubble would burst at any second because there was too much going on between us but I still took it all while I could.

And I'm aware our relationship is not at the best moment, that it isn't the healthiest, and that maybe, just maybe we should take a break, think about what we are doing, look for help because it's clear we can't help one another anymore. But I guess I'm too selfish to let go of him... even if we are both hurting.

God, I wish love wasn't so difficult.

"Are you okay?" His words bring me back from my thoughts. He is still staring directly into my eyes and I'm staring right into his. His hand hasn't left my hip either.

"Yeah, just thinking," I whisper taking full advantage of these few seconds of us just existing, forgetting about reality.

"What are you thinking about?" His question holds more than just curiousness but I can't really tell what it is.

"About everything and also about nothing at all." I smile and you would think that's the most vague of answers but somehow he seems to understand.

"You didn't take the black hoodie?" He looks down at my tote bag.

"It's yours, I left it over the bed." I point at it perfectly folded over the bed.

"Nah, it's yours. Take it, I know you always sleep with it and I also like the idea of knowing you will be wearing it while you aren't here with me." He finally lets go of me, walking towards the bed to pick up the hoodie.