It's Definitely Not All Mary Poppins

The Best View in the World, Eh? (5)

Jun suddenly laughed, the sound broken. A moment later, silence settled between them again. "I should've seen it coming," he whispered. "She had no interest in Elliot. She could barely touch Lilliana after she turned one." He inhaled slowly, his jaw clenched. "I don't want a 'happy family' anymore. I want a 'comfortable' one, because I know the chances of being happy again are...slim, to say the least. I don't spend enough time with my daughter. I barely understand my nephew, who I can't spend time with because it is my fault his parents are gone." He turned away. "At this point, their happiness is what matters. Not mine."

Matthew sniffed and turned away, not sure if he felt disgusted or disappointed. "Why this house?"

"Philippa and I bought the house when she was pregnant. She was hesitant about it, but I convinced her that it was a beautiful place to bring up our kids. She wanted something closer to her parents, but I insisted that it was all an adventure to tell future generations someday." Jun glanced down. "Her depression was not bad, then. She missed work and traveling, and did not enjoy being pregnant at all. After Lilly was born, it..." Jun plummeted his hand down towards the terrace. "I was being promoted and I could only – I was sparing every moment I had to be with her. I wanted her to know I was there."

"But why this house?"

"It sounds ridiculous," he said, "but I walked through the front door, and I felt this...warmth. I didn't know houses could do that. And I wanted our family to live in a house that had warmth to it. And the view. I'd never seen a view like it."

"...did you love her?"

He took in a breath. "Yes," he answered. "She made me feel steady. Comfortable...and steady." Jun turned back to Matt, expression still pained. "I don't know. Maybe it's been too long, and I'm remembering everything..." He bobbed his hands like a scale, back and forth. "...extremely, if that makes sense. Maybe I was just naive about all of it. I don't know."

"And now? After what she did?"

Jun took in a shaking breath, cigar burning closer towards his lips. Tilting his head back, he let the smoke billow from his mouth, only to catch on the wind and vanish.

"What the hell are the weekly calls Lilly has with her, then?"

"I don't know." Jun shook his head. "Lilliana started asking about her a year or so ago. They...started out of pity for her, but they just kept happening." Inhaling, he finally turned his eyes back to Matthew. "The best part of it all, is that Lilliana doesn't seem that interested in her, anymore." He paused. "Yet she keeps calling."

"Why don't you end them, then?"

Jun's eyes, glistening under whatever scant light there was, lingered on Matthew for the longest while before he turned away, frowning. He offered no explanation.

"Why did you do that to me?"

"I was angry," he whispered, "which means nothing to you, I know. I knew you were right. I knew you knew you were right, but I was angry, still." He paused, the moment thoughtful. "I admire you, Matt. A lot more than I would like to admit. You remind me of so many bright things. I thought - there were times when I..." He huffed, lips downturned. "I-I thought you...shared those thoughts. For me, I mean." His ears were red, as was his face. He turned away. "It was a little confusing, but I didn't want to do anything. It just felt wrong, out of proportion, a dynamic like that, if we were to pursue..." He coughed, clearly uncomfortable. "But that day, I was seething. I was so angry I couldn't see straight." Jun met Matthew's eyes again. "And I...I just stopped."

"'You just stopped'?"

"'Stopped' is the wrong word," Jun sighed, wiping his face. "I did not want to be reminded, again, that I was a failure. I wanted to succeed at something for once, outside of work. I wanted to do something that made me feel good, that made me feel as though I was..." He grunted. "I don't know the word."

"So you assaulted me?"

"I said I wanted to give you an explanation," Jun said. "I did not say it would satisfy you, or excuse my actions. I'm not going to stop you from leaving. I hope you stay, for the children's sake. Not for me. Not at all for me, but I cannot make you do that. That's your choice." He leaned down, tapping out the cigar on the terrace. Jun straightened up and looked in Matt's direction. "You can have him back, now."

Matthew turned. Audrey was standing solitary, holding herself against the wind the same way Matthew was.

"Sorry to keep him so long. Don't make anything for me, Ms. Culpepper," Jun sighed. He turned and moved back to the doors to his office. He closed them with a click.

Matthew's eyes wandered, his chest heavy and head spinning with angry and confused thoughts. He wiped his face and looked at Audrey. He was glaring - he knew he was but couldn't stop it. "How long were you there for?"

"Are you - "

"No."

"Do you...want to talk?"

"Not with you."

Audrey said nothing. She stood there, waiting. Watching Matthew with eyes that screamed concern.

He hated them. He hated the pity in them, the degradation underneath it. "Stop it."

"Matt," she started, but he cut her off.

"What do you want me to say? 'Oh, the closure I wanted, I got. It's bullshit and complicated in so many different ways it makes me second-think everything that's happened since he assaulted me. But now I can't breathe with all this sadness and no part of me can stand the idea of leaving because I want to fix everything.'" Matthew seethed again, his skin crawling in rage that he didn't recognize anymore. "Is that what you want?"

Again, Audrey fell silent.

"I..." He swallowed, glancing down. "I just..." Matthew sniffled, wiping his eyes. "God dammit, Audrey. I just wish things weren't so...fucking complicated."