If I Only Could- Lumax

there is a light that never goes out

But Max knows; she remembers the exact day it happened. July 4, 1985. The day Billy died started a conundrum in her very being that slowly unraveled as time went on where she started to recognize herself less and less. Max had begun to distance herself from everyone who mattered, isolating herself in her own aura of vulnerability and fear and pain that no one else could feel or know about because, the guilt. The guilt. It was so overwhelmingly ever-present, swirling in her mind saying things she couldn't distinguish reality from, telling her that it was all her fault. It's your fault Billy died. One day, she thought for sure, for sure she was going to drown. Drown in all the noise and chaos and spiritual warfare. But...something pulled her out of the emotionally hydraulic depths, and it wasn't something, but rather a someone.

Lucas Sinclair saved her life.

So when he tried to entangle himself in her unraveled yarn of misery like a seamster grasping a needle in a haystack, she couldn't bear to see him go through anything because of her, which is why she tried to leave him out of her life in the horrible year she knew as 1986.

But something about him couldn't help but pull her closer, like his soul was stretching out its own hand and taking hold of the one she was always trying to reach but could never quite grasp. And that alone kept her running, it kept her alive, kept the blood rushing through her veins when it mattered, even when she was on the brink of death. That was why she loved him. Because of the way he gazed into her eyes in the early hours of the morning, admiring the simplest of things like obliquely patterned freckles or the small birthmark on her lower collarbone.

Lucas made her feel like the only girl in the world whether it was through slow dancing, tender kisses or simply existing, and Max knew now that

he

was

it.

She didn't want to think about it in the past when all the pain seeped through the service and into her veins, arteries and beating heart, but now?

Now she knows. She knows that the most important thing in the world is having those loved ones near you because truly the worst thing in the world is being alone. She experienced swallowing the bitter taste that is personal self-worthlessness and guilt, only leaving her alone outside a window that was her own life's flashbacks as a grimy outcast took her breath away three months ago. Which left her to realize that people are better than no people, and she certainly got lucky with the loyal and chaotic yet lovable bunch of friends she found in this small, cursed town.

So now, all she feels (besides all the constant existentialism, affection, and serendipitous feelings running through her mind simultaneously) is gratefulness. She knew that in the past she took The Party and Lucas for granted, which almost ended in her demise had they not saved her. But now she was back, mostly, changed, from the darkness that held her captive, and she wasn't going to waste her chance. She certainly didn't have the perfect life, but she had The Party, her true family.

With that, Max snapped out of her reminiscent daze and back to the bittersweet reality of gently swaying with the boy she loves to the song that started it all. She sighed, tucking her head into his shoulder, her arms wrapped around his back, afraid he would disappear if she let go. And Lucas noticed this (like he always does), somehow knowing that they just needed this moment, this quiet moment where it was just them, the night- fallen world and nothing else. He rested his head on top of hers as they silently swayed, moving through the universe in which their tradition of gently dancing on an occasional biweekly basis existed.

Max opened her eyes slightly as they swayed back and forth, looking outside Lucas's open window. At first she didn't notice anything special until a comet flew by in the bright reddish-dark Hawkins night sky. She looked at him, closing his eyes and resting his head on hers as he stroked the small of her back gently. This moment was so peaceful. How rare nowadays.

As the song came to a stop, he pulled back slowly to look her in the eyes. Lucas stared in awe once more, looking into her bright blue eyes; he placed both hands on the side of her face, stroking her hair back softly and cradling her like she was this precious soul as she smiled at his touch with eyes contently closed.

"You know..." Max whispered and looked up into his soft brown eyes slowly, getting lost in those faint embers that burned for her. He furrowed his eyebrows, smiling slightly with a murmured; "Know what?"

She placed a hand on the side of his face endearingly, a rare thing for her, and whispered, "You know me...you understand...like no one else. Lucas, I...I don't think I thank you enough for that."

With that, Lucas leaned close and gently kissed her, lingering for a moment before pressing his forehead against hers lightly. "Your existence is all the thanks I could ever want, Max. I don't know how I'd...how I'd even go on if you hadn't lived that day. There is...nothing that could ever make me love you less, because you are the answer to all of my prayers. I wake up and I thank God because you exist, because you are still here." Lucas whispered reverently, like he needed her to absorb his words into her very being. And she did.

He could tell by the glistening in her eyes, by the way all of whatever remaining defenses fell, by her arms suddenly surrounding him in a tight embrace, that she needed to hear those words. They were swaying again, but it wasn't proper or even, it was slow, irregular, and matched the emotions floating through their minds. He could feel his shoulder become dampened by her silent tears, and he only held her closer like a castaway to a life preserver, making a silent vow that even if he drowned in her sea, he would die a happy man.

Eventually, the moon's light became intensified by the reflection from the now-rampant rain drops falling outside Lucas's bedroom window. The slow music remained, parallel to the two's own shadows embracing in the warm light. After a prolonged yet needed silence, Max pulled back slightly to look into Lucas's warm gaze. She noticed that his eyes were glistening, too, and realized then in that moment, just how much he loved her.

It was then her turn to rest her hand against the side of his face, and without words, she rested her lips against his temple, then against his jaw, and mouth tenderly. "I love you, Sinclair. So much," she murmured against the nape of his neck, and felt a rush of gratitude for the boy that had saved her life countless times.

Upon hearing those wonderful three words, Lucas felt the chambers of his heart race just like they did when he first saw her at the Snowball Dance all over again. And he knew, like he had for some time, that he would gladly give her the world just to see her smile that had become rarer since her brother died.

"I love you, Mayfield." He matched her tender tone, and kissed her neck softly, then her cheek, then her slightly parted lips as her eyes fluttered shut in a moment of savoring this one particular memory.

Max physically felt her heart race just like the moment their lips first met at that dance years ago, and knew that if her heart were to flatline from all of this purely agapè love, she would die a healed woman.

Without words, she led Lucas to his bed, and laid down on top of his covers. He gently laid beside her, letting her back face him so he could envelope her in his arms like she always loved. She settled into his embrace and sighed, one of those deep sighs signifying someone who was releasing the world's weight from their shoulders after carrying it for too long.

Lucas gently reached over to his nightstand, taking the cassette player with Running Up That Hill and softly placed the headphones over Max's ears, a nightly ritual that she needed to fall into sleep ever since that fateful day in the cemetery. He kissed her temple, whispering an "I love you so much," and Max smiled faintly, letting the boy who saved her life hold her close as she drifted off to the rhythm of his heartbeat and the song that pulled her from a world of shadows, endlessly thanking the world for this beautiful boy.

Even though Vecna's existence remained and the small, saddened town was under quarantine and siege, even though darkness loomed and flowers withered away, there was that moment in a suburban bedroom where two souls entwined under a light that would never go out.