Hearts Desire (Harry Styles)

Chapter 15 - Trust

I stared at the words on the page I had just written after laying in bed and staring at the ceiling for what felt like hours. They were vulnerable, they were real, and they were going to let Harry see inside my heart.

The last couple of days since hearing the conversation between Dustin and Harry had consisted of an ongoing battle in my head. I guess part of my mind thinks that if I don't speak about what happened, then it was just all a nightmare. Call me delusional, but that helped me get through some of my hardest days.

My mind was my own worst enemy.

I'm sad.

Sad that I still let everything in the past hold so much power over me. Sad that I let myself go through absolute hell for so long. Sad that I hurt not only myself but my family and friends along the way.

I'm finally angry.

Angry that I let an asshole ruin years of my life. Angry that I let him drain who I was out of me, becoming the shell of someone I didn't know. Angry that I didn't stand up for myself until it was almost too late.

And I'm scared.

Scared of being vulnerable. Scared because I had never felt pure happiness with someone, yet Harry made it so easy. Scared that my heart was starting to open, but also scared of not being able to get where I want to be with any other relationship because I'm so damaged. Scared that I'm not someone who can truly be loved.

He's going to learn how fucked up I am.

I knew deep down that I wanted to let Harry in. I needed to be open with him if I wanted whatever we had going on to reach a new level. Holding myself back wasn't going to get me anywhere.

So I did what I think I do best when it comes to expressing feelings and I wrote a song, refusing to hold it back anymore after all of the time I had wasted. The melody was in my head, the notes I had in mind written along with the lyrics, obviously yet to hear everything together, and there was no way I could sleep until I did just that.

One hand held tightly onto my journal while the other hovered over the doorknob to what I was hoping was Harry's in-home studio. Although I did receive a personal tour of his lovely London home upon arrival, it was so incredibly hard to focus on anything but him.

To my surprise, I had found the correct room, but that room currently held a half dressed Harry who was lightly strumming his guitar. "Oh, I'm so sorry..." I tried to keep my eyes from falling to his bare chest, but god, how was I supposed to do that when he looked the way he did. "I had no idea you were in here." It was easy to forget how many tattoos he really had, the ferns poking out from the band of his sweatpants threatening to steal my focus.

"You're fine, love. Come in..." His smile crinkled the skin around his eyes, bringing his strumming to a stop. "You alright?"

Love. The new name sent a butterfly loose in my stomach.

Fully entering the room, I made sure to shut the door behind me. "Yeah, still adjusting to the time difference I guess." I shrugged, "What about you?"

Before speaking, he gestured to the open seat directly next to him. "Same, possibly-" He let out a small laugh as I sat down. "It's usually not too much of an issue, but tonight my mind is very much awake."

"I didn't mean to interrupt-" I admit shyly, pulling at my bottom lip with my teeth. "Were you writing?"

"Not really writing, I guess?" He seemed unsure, nose scrunching up slightly. "Just playing really, thought it may help me relax a little bit." With a shrug, his curious eyes pulled mine in like a satellite falling into orbit. "What brought you to the studio of all places?"