Treasured Mile {Randomness Book 12}

I feel like a bad person [RANT]

A friend called and asked if I wanted to go to the fair with her.

I said sure as my stomach started tightening and I didn't really want to go. I told her there are some rides I wouldn't go on though, which is the normal.

She asked me about one ride but sucked at explaining which one it was so she didn't get an answer. If it's the one I think it is I won't.

As soon as the date was set and she hung up, I felt (and still feel) like vomiting and crying. Idk why, I shouldn't feel this way over some basic plans. My brain was (and still is) yelling at me to cancel, but then I'd just be anxious about her being mad that I canceled. I canceled something like a month ago to with her so I'd feel really bad.

Going and hanging out with friends shouldn't make me feel this way. But it does. Like every single time. And I don't know why.

Now I'm feeling guilty for saying yes. If I would've said no I probably would've felt guilty bc I don't have anything going on.

Now I'm basically crying and really fucking stressed, great.

I just never know what to do in these situations.

But even in the event that I would cancel, my parents would probably just get mad at me because "I never do anything."

Though I will say, I think this friendship is one of my more imbalanced friendships. I think the friend views this friendship as way more important than I do. I think everyone around me does. Like, I'm realizing that I'm her first choice when she goes and does anything to invite. She's not mine. But when my parents say I should invite someone, who do they suggest? Her. I don't even think I'm fully myself around her. I don't hit it off with her the same way I do my school friends, who are my first choices. I don't think most, if any, of it is her fault. She's the kid of my parents's best friends. So she sees the me that parents are used to, so in return that's what she gets the majority of the time from me.

I wish I wasn't like this. It makes me feel like such a bad person. I really should probably see an expert, but that's probably not gonna happen for a while.