A Beautiful Distraction(Aris Jones x Reader)

18) Don't Fix Me

"Before you left you said something,"He stated.

"Maybe,"I shrugged.

"It sounded like you said Y/N Jones."

"Maybe,"I repeated.

"What happened back there Y/N? You almost looked like you passed out while awake,"He asked.

I really wanted him to stop asking questions, but at the same time I didn't want to sit in complete silence for the rest of the night.

"Can we talk about something else?"I asked.

"Sure. Like what?"

"I actually don't know,"I admitted. This used to be so easy. We didn't even have to think before we spoke. There was no way that could stay the same though. Maybe talking about something from those nights could spark up a normal conversation.

"Do you know how to play War or Go Fish?"I asked.

"Yeah. I kind of just came up the the Spring and realized I knew a lot of tricks for a game I never played,"He admitted.

"You were really good at card games. I taught you every trick I knew. It drove me crazy that you constantly ended up winning. Eventually, it always ended in a tie. We moved on to you teaching me Checkers."

I glanced over to see if he was listening to see him looking at me intently so I continued. "You'd always read just a little faster than me. It made sense since I didn't have any books. Sometimes you read out loud, and sometimes we read together. It was always the same book though."

"What kind of books did we read?"He asked.

"Anything really. It didn't matter. You'd also teach me what you learned in class, and I'd fill you in on things going on just a few doors over. We had fun until,"I said, before stopping myself. We didn't need to think about that.

"Until I ruined it,"He finished anyway.

"Yeah. You still gave me a few good years. I'd guess about seven or eight,"I estimated. He was visibly taken aback. I suppose I would be to.

"You're walking around pretty well for someone with a broken ankle,"He remarked out of the blue.

"It's not a broken,"I mumbled, embarrassed that it looked that way. I subconsciously reached out to check that my pant legs were all the way down. In the process I forget about my banged up hands until it was to late.

"What did you do?"He asked, examining them. I didn't say anything as he gently ran his fingers over the bruises. "Y/N. What happened?"He repeated.

"It only looks bad,"I defended, going to wipe them on my shirt. He refused to let go, still brushing his fingers over them.

"That wasn't the question,"He pointed out, almost whispering now.

"You're making this a thing. I got pissed, and there happened to be a wall close by. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

These were not the right choice of words as his face only grew more concerned. I pretended not to notice the same way I was pretending his touch didn't seem to linger when he finally let go.

You're pretending you don't crave it.

"What could possibly piss you off enough to mess up your hands this bad? You already messed up your ankle and gained a scratch on your face. How many more injuries do you need?"

"You don't understand Aris,"I said through gritted teeth.

"Make me understand,"He pleaded, looking me in my eyes. His seemed to look different by the fire. It could also be the determination to figure out why I did this to myself clouding over them.

"If I'm hurt on the outside I don't need to think about the hurt on the inside. I picked it up a long time ago. I just haven't had something to make me lash out in a while,"I confessed.

"It has to come back though. It can't just disappear. What happens when you're done? What changes?"

"Nothing. I just didn't have to think about it for a second."

"What hurt you bad enough this time?"He asked softly.

"You. More specifically past you. I had another memory come back. We were being all lovey-dovey. After that it occurred to me that if this keeps up I might start remember Luna and Alex. What then? What do I do when I see the faces of people I've failed? I know I can't hold it together then so I may as well get it out of my system."

I didn't look at him as I confessed all this. Instead, I fixated on the dying fire. Its flames grew dimmer, and the cackles it gave were getting quieter.

"You're not getting it out of your system. You're keeping yourself used to it. You're smart enough to know that."

"I'm going to get some more wood. I'll be back in a second,"I told him, getting up to walk off.

"It won't help you, you know? Hurting yourself isn't going to fix anything."

That was never the reason. I don't want to be fixed.