My Years (Daily Life Journal)

June 5th, 2015: Journal Entry #2

Today I woke up to thinking that I was going to Six Flags. I had forgotten it was Friday and not the weekend. Ryan, my stepfather, was at work. My mom staying home to take care and have fun with us. I got fully dressed and talked to my boyfriend for awhile till my mother called me from the living room. I thought that we were leaving so i said goodbye, explained, and hung up. All the while watching markeplier do world Zumba dance. I had gotten up and of course I told her I was coming. Turned out I needed to take Jasmine our lab mix, out. So I walked through our garage and into some rain. I rushed to grab our six flags looney toon umbrella. I couldn't get her to do much but I stood and listened to the rain. Sometimes flinging the stubborn water off the umbrella onto the dog. I had looked around noticed that the small town that was always bustling with noise was quiet. No saws, drills, dogs, cars, or even the faraway sploosh of water told me anyone was out. Everyone was gone or locked away for the day. All because it was sprinkling. No one was out to see everything that was dull under our harsh sun had turned to its bright or full color. How the bark of trees turned almost black, moss turned a dark or bright green, the grass turn greener, and they didn't see the ants still walking by. Protected by a tree and the sopping grass above them. I could see birds shifting slightly as they rung out their feathers and there calls echoing. The cicadas were silent their orchestra of constant buzzing noise destroyed. I used to live in a woods. In a house constructed by my grandparents. But, that was so long ago. I struggle to stop depending on technology. Even though the nerdy side of me embraces it. Computers come easy to me and that is why I depend on them. Because I can completely control it when I can't control my life. I can decide what happens to it, what is in it, what it is like, and how it will serve me. It is the obedient servant doesn't mess up and does the job you instruct. Because of that I become dependable of it because I have control.

I can remember the first time I walked in the woods. When I was afraid of dying and the dark. I would walk in the daylight miles away from home. The trees branches making it quite dark. I wasn't scared because I could see and hear everything. When I was inside, I couldn't hear what was happening outside, nor could I see because it was selective. That is why I was afraid of the dark. Because I could see little in a house and hear nothing. Because I couldn't see but I could hear when I was outside. It wasnt until later that I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared anymore because I had powerful night vision. I could see everything at night just like it was daylight. I'm afraid of the dark inside still. But I feel safe because I can see the night more than others.

I feared very little as a child. Though it did mainly consist of the dark and of children at school. The school I went to was quiet. Until I turned up. Many years to come doctors, asylums, psychiatrists, and juvenile jail, would try to figure out why I was so angry all the time. I have the records to prove it. I don't know what it was. The divorce? Maybe. I don't and didn't know. Because of that I was... Feared. Many would sidle with the bullies because they couldn't think of being my friend. I was a average height kid that looked pregnant had pimples wiry glasses and a had long tangled hair in ponytails, pigtails, frenchbraids, and so on. Nobody liked the fat kid, the ugly kid. I was bullied constantly, failing grades, and hurting other people with anger that would overcome me. I had been taking pills to try and help. It made me have an endless appetite. Causing me to have heaping plates two to three times a meal. Six years of that and my family moved to hancock county. I started there in fifth grade. That is when I changed. It was the environment I was introduced to, the change, that for some reason had me changing. Not just physically either. My rage still burns in me but it rarely surfaces anymore. I'm not hurting anyone and I had friends. I grew past average height to 5 foot 7 inches. The fat I had gave plenty of nutrients to grow. I became skinny in just those four years. My once messy waist length hair cut to the shoulders. The wiry glasses gone. I had even worse eye sight but, I got some glasses that completed my looks. My once pimpled face smooth (I have a few every so often). I became beautiful. Too bad my bullies couldn't see the person I was nearing today. I gained many friends.

Nearing the end of ninth grade I moved during spring break to Henderson (same state). Over that two week period I grew another inch. I made high scores on finals I wouldn't have had to take in my old school. Now I have wonderful grades ( A's and B's. Mostly A's) I am looked up for guidance by many students because of the fact that when I was younger I read and watched many things. Soaking a lot of unintended knowledge. I have a handsome boyfriend. I have a giant family because of the divorce. I have a lot of nerdy stuff and for the first time I am wearing a bikini this summer instead of baggy shirt and shorts. I am finally happy.