Road To Recovery (A "Living With The Choices We Make" Sequel) ✔️

5 - Motherhood

I shrugged. "Who cares? It's fun and what else is there to do?"

That was the real issue and I didn't want to admit how bored I truly was. Caring for an infant who couldn't talk, walk or do anything else useful was almost agonizing and I was actually looking forward to going back to school in January.

Cabin fever hit me full force the week before my birthday. My fists pounded against the wall for over thirty minutes while tears streamed down my face, guilt eating at me for being selfish. I desperately wanted company and have some fun, and not be tied down by a baby. I was seventeen, for crying out loud, and this responsibility was just too much. It was the first time that I thought that adoption may have been the better option for everyone involved.

Kade and my dad must have felt my distress and surprised me with a night out on my eighteenth birthday. As a present, I got one of those modern breast pump machines which would also guarantee me a full night sleep going forward. Pam had cleared the plans with my probation officer and Kade and I left the apartment after my dad swore to me that he would call if there were any issues with Noah.

"You kids have fun now."

That didn't sit well with me since he had used the exact same words every time Brent had taken me out. I almost snapped at him but didn't want to spoil the mood. I knew he was trying and so was Kade. When he stopped in front of a Chinese restaurant that Brent and I had visited before, I suppressed a frown. After all, he didn't know. Yet, entering a place where I had been happy once with the man I had killed was painful.

I was so used to Brent choosing my meals for me and was startled when Kade asked what I wanted to eat. I had only scanned the menu and had no clue.

"I still need a minute." I said, blushing.

"Take your time," Kade reassured me, though he looked absolutely famished.

I was quickly turning the pages, fazed by the waiter who was breathing down my neck. A pen was firmly tucked between his fingers and he drummed it softly against the notepad, waiting for my order. My gaze kept wandering to his hands as I imagined him leashing out at me with impatience at any moment which, of course, was totally ridiculous.

Before Brent, a guy's eyes had always been the first thing I had noticed and had measured the overall appearance by, now it was a man's hands. The rest of the body was no longer of importance. Hands could be bawled into fists and fists punched and caused pain. The bigger the potential damage, the more cautious I approached that particular member of the opposite sex. The waiter was up there, his hands and fingers beefy. There was no doubt in my mind that he could inflict a lot of pain.

I finally snapped out of my sullen thoughts and chose the sweet and sour chicken with boiled rice. It's what Brent had always ordered and I just couldn't imagine eating anything else.

The waiter disappeared and I checked my cell for messages. "Do you think Noah is alright with my dad?"

Kade was observing me over the edge of his water glass. "I'm sure he is fine." The glass came down a little too hard. "How are you really holding up, Rena?"

My eyes filled with tears. "It's harder than I thought. I feel alone." I lowered my gaze. "I know it's stupid but I miss Brent."

He reached for my hand. "It's part of the grieving process. You and he shared a life together - even if it wasn't ideal - and a part of you craves to have this back. It'll take time to process it all."

I never saw it that way. "I guess." My voice was slightly shaking when I tried to convince myself that I would move on eventually. Yet, there was a bitter taste in my mouth when I remembered how happy I had been just two years ago. It had been the day that Brent had proposed and I had agreed to become his wife. It was also the night I had lost my virginity and I could not have imagined ever being with a man other than Brent. Now, it seemed like an eternity ago and he was gone.