Some Things Are Just Hard To End

Hard To End 87

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8:39 am

Ivan
Good morning. I want to meet you at Clouds today if you're free.

Yes. I'm free. When?

3 pm? How's that?

Sure.

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"Good afternoon Natalia." Ivan greeted me with a small smile.

I observed his physical condition for a moment and check him for bruises. Wala. somehow I'm glad but my anger is evident despite that.

I gritted my teeth.

I breathe in "I can't stay long, what do you want us to talk about?"

"A-about what happened yesterday." He's jittery. His hands can't stay in one place. He's guilty. He can't look into my eyes without being hypersensitive. it pained me to see that he is having internal conflict. this ivan infront of me is not the ivan i grew up with. 

"You almost killed Lander."

He didn't expect my statement and looked at me with an unbelievable stare.
He has the guts to look disappointed!

"I only landed three punches Natalia. He's better than three punches. He can probably take ten. I should've broken his leg—" My eyes sting and my palm felt hotter after having a collision with his face.

"How dare you hurt him! How dare you do that to Apollo too! Walang ginawa sa'yo Ang tao. Pinagbuhatan mo Sila Ng kamay. Bakit? Did you satisfy yourself by hurting other people too? Did it heal you, Ivan? Did it make you forget the pain?" 

his eyes wide but never left the table. Ivan Is a good guy, I know that. he is my best friend we grew up together. I know his pain because he is vocal about it. that's why it is painful to see him still drowning from his past. I want to seek peace with him. he is stubborn enough not to notice the signs of growth. I want him to realize that mistakes are lessons we should learn and reflect on our growth with. 

I told myself that I'm not here to invalidate someone's past, I'm here to help them realize what they have done and the consequences of their actions. We have a fair share of mistakes and I want to correct mine and don't let the people I love destroy themselves.

I don't want to lose anyone today, not lander. Not Levi. Not Ivan

"I'm sorry..." he only whispered. im used to this, saakin siya nag so-sorry pero hindi naman ako ang nasaktan. hindi naman ako ang naagrabyado. 

"Ivan, i'm not the one you hurt...lagi nalang ganito. i'm hurting not just for lander but for you, You are my bestfriend pero bakit pakiramdam ko pinapapili mo'ko?  b-bakit kailangan kong pumili ivan?" the tears i've been longing for the past days manifested. it felt right to cry infront of him, it felt light to finally unleash the burden. 

"Y-you don't have to natalia. im sorry. i didn't mean to put you in between i-" 

i shook my head, i honestly don't have time for his excuses.

"You mean it, y-you are alaways like this ivan. always making me choose.  always using our frienship and weaponized it against people around people i want to keep. bakit?" hindi ko alam na pigil pala ang paghinga ko dahil sa mga sinabi.

my words are like a breather,  there i finally said it. its done. 

"I'm sorry..."

despite him uttering his appoligies more than once i couldnt stay long enough. he is trembling. knowing ivan, he is having a meltdown and realization. but before i left, i tapped his head. 

"Take care, despite everything that had happned you are still my best friend. dont worry about lander, wala siyang sinabi sa parents niya. i honestly thought he will sue you but he didnt. he desever a better treatment from you. take care."

his head dropped and i felt him shake more. he is crying and his blood shot eyes makes me want to just craddle him but i didnt. i give him one last tap before leaving.