Lambs Tale (on hiatus)

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I and Soren had been talking about stories from our upbringing. I had been purposefully avoiding all the harsh parts that I knew would sting my tongue if I spoke them out loud. If I truly processed it. But I was done keeping secrets, I wanted to tell him and I was hoping he would listen. I was hoping that he wouldn't look at me as some sort of outlandish creature. Something malignant, unsightly, devilish. Because of our closeness to the small stream tiny droplets of water landed on parts of my skin. I watched as they worked against the rock. I was at ease in a way that I couldn't explain even if the scholars decided to write it out for me.

"You want to know of our connection?" I asked rigidly but my voice did not waver. I was alright with speaking like this. I was completely okay with telling this man all that had happened to me yet my body betrayed me and I began shutting myself in. I felt safest in my mind and no man's warmth and presence could ever replace what it feels like to be floating through space in your own head. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to force myself to breathe. I hate to be alive trapped in a shell like this.

"Don't force yourself, I'll wait until you're ready." Soothing words to my oversensitive ears.

"I'm ready now." I paused and took in air. I hated how crippling my presence was. If I wasn't this tarnished and I didn't carry this baggage on my shoulder would Soren prefer me like that? Would it be more enjoyable for him to talk to a woman that didn't tense at the prospection of being abandoned? One that could carry the weight of their own mind without submitting to mental illness? I wonder.

"For your sake, please do not interrupt me because if I stop I will never continue." I warned him. My eyes were set onto his but I wasn't seeing. Just there in body but not in soul. I needed to detach myself so I could be speak. My words are who I am as a person, they own me more than I own them. When I talk I'm talking with every part of me.

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When I first came to be on this earth I was born an animal. A lamb specifically.

I was different however. Before I came into being I was living with the deity's. I was even one too. My father controlled the sun, my mother controlled the strength of humans. I controlled what flourished. Life was in all ways beautiful. There were many more deity's, over all them there was the great one. He has no name nor physically form. He is him and he knows it all.

I grew attached to my father because of his glowing aura, I begged to go wherever it was that he went. I counted the minutes without him. He had never wanted a daughter but since I was born I always knew I needed a father. He busied himself with work and locked me out from his world. He hated anything that dimmed his light.

If I spoke to my father he shut me down. If I begged him for help he only grunted in disgust before leaving me in the darkness of my room to writhe. My mother was different in the sense that she was there in my life but she despised that I was weak. She despised that even a mortal had less fear in their heart than me. She banished me from stepping foot out of my room since I was an embarrassment to her. I was locked in a dungeon for most of my life as a goddess. She was upset that someone with as much strength as she possessed bared a child that couldn't even speak without trembling.

After years of solitude a deity by the name of Amare came to visit me. Goddess of love. She told about a prophecy that involved me; I was bound to fall for a human man, she said he wouldn't stay human for long however. She told me that our future had something great in store and that I would finally experience the love that I had been craving. I fawned. She said even if I am to fall in love it is up to the two of us to make things work.

I took this and ran with it. I busied myself with day dreaming about being amongst humans. I watched how humans interacted amongst one another. I watched you, Soren. When I first learned about you I was sixteen and you were nineteen. I watched as you experienced your early years, I cried when you developed feelings for another girl. I cried harder if things got passionate.

My mother and father were furious with my joy and grappling obsession. They were angered by the fact I wished to be with the humans and the fact I had pitiful heart. With the help of some of their friends they stole me away from my lonesomeness and plunged me down to earth. What they didn't understand is that it wasn't humans that I was infatuated with, it wasn't even you yet Soren. I wanted to be protected and raised. I wanted to be cradled and nurtured. They cast a spell on me to make me a lamb, and I spent years wandering through the different lands. I have the ability to make things flourish so I used my power to help people and colonies grow in wealth and in health.

I never bothered looking for you because I knew by the prophecy we would meet when the time was correct.

I eventually settled down and stayed in a city named Vita. A friendly farmer cared for me, his child had grown an attachment to me too. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed my life as just an animal to be babied. It seems people have more compassion for such things. What I had not known was that the silly spell would ware off. I became a girl one bloodcurdling night. Transformed from my four legged body to who you see me as now. I woke to my past body laid next to me, head severed. Blood coated my every crevice. I screamed and screamed until my throat was raw. I screamed for the loss of mundane and steady tenderness, I screamed for the cruelty of my situation, I screamed for the burden of having to face the world with heavy thoughts. I am tired of making decisions for myself.

I ran away from the farmer and his child with my lambs head in my hold. It was as if I was mourning my child. It pained me, and even now I still hurt.

I let loose of my powers because of my mental instability and emotional distress and it seemed the whole nation was drowning in success, meanwhile I was becoming a cavity of destruction. Have you ever had the urge to burn everything in your path? Have you ever faced the challenge of wanting things to disappear and shatter but instead each step you take leaves a trail of flowers? I was battling against myself but everything I touched, everywhere I breathed, all of it was rising higher than my own self.

I broke down in the middle of the woods.

and I allowed it.

I heard the call of a voice, one that didn't speak words but instead action. I remember being in a forest, one different than where I crumbled. I remember seeing you looking at me as I laid on that podium and my world began opening up again. I remember watching the fear and awe morph your features. I don't remember who stuck that dagger in my heart but I remember seeing you bleed from the chest with me. I remember being in the lambs body. I remember the tender touch of a hand. I awoke a girl once again. This time I was nearing the borders of Gratiam. I ran into the town like fury was on my tail. I clutched the lamb head in my hand. I faced the people. The people did not want to face me.

This is when place where I learned to be alive is to be sacrificed. I escaped the peoples wrath and I made it to the cottage I live in now. This all happened in the seven years since I learned about our connection. I still have my own questions. I still wonder deeply what will happen in the future. I worry about the significance of all the things I've faced.

I worry that you'll leave me, or I'll be taken from you.

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Authors note: Im so sorry my writing is ass bruh.

Long time no see...errrr. I HAD SO MUCH TROUBLE WRITING THIS CHAPTER GUYS U DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND. ive rewritten it like 5 times. im so sorry if its still confusing. BASICALLY TO SUM IT UP. Lain has mommy and daddy issues, shes considered an embarrassment by her family so shes is confined to solitude in her room. she lowkey enjoyed the wallowing because it numbed her but then the love goddess comes to tell her that because of a prophecy shes going to fall in love with soren. She uses her time to watch how humans interact and especially what soren does with his time, earlier in like chapter 1 or 2 lain said she was writhing because of feeling him too much. this is what she meant. Ok so her family peeps this and theyre "oh u wanna be with humans so bad? well then so be it!" and they throw her to earth. they make her a lamb tho :,( poor baby. She has the power to make things do really well and she uses it as a lamb. she settles down with a farmer that takes care of her but one night she wakes up to her lamb body next to her and shes a human again. she hates this and so she runs away and lets her powers loose causing the kingdom to do rlly well but she also hates this because even as shes suffering its drowned by her abilities. she breaks down in a forest and thats where the scene of the lamb on the podium soren saw in earlier chapters comes from. Soren was younger in the earlier chapters where he saw her as a lamb but ill explain that later in the next chapters hehe. >< GOD THIS NOTE IS SO LONG. ADIOS!

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