The Devil's Redemption | ✓

|72| The man who is never enough

"I know that face, you are blaming yourself, putting all this mess over your conscience so stop. This is not on you Carlos, it's on Lorenzo. He is trying to break you down, don't let him."

Trying to break me down? He has already done it. A long time ago.

"Matteo was supposed to be here doing this, not me." I half-whisper looking at Rick. "I can barely even control my own fucking life, this is not for me, I never wanted this. I can't do it."

For my whole life, I knew where I was supposed to be, where I stood and that was by Matteo's side. Not in the front.

"Your brother may have been trained for this but don't think for a second he would be able to do it alone. He wouldn't have gotten anywhere without you by his side, Carlos, not now not then. So feeling like you aren't capable when you are doing this without him doesn't seem fair. Doesn't it?"

I listen to what he says and a part of me wants to believe it because I know Rick will never say anything he didn't mean but the other keeps telling me that everything is my fault. That I'm nothing more than the guy who would never be enough to be first. Not smart enough, not strong enough, not man enough.

That's what my father used to say because he knew his words stung much harder than his belt.

"Your father, everything he did to you. You didn't deserve it, Carlos. I know you try to hide it, act like nothing ever happened but the price you paid? It was higher than anyone else's, higher than your mother's, and higher than Matteo's but you have to understand that even if it was like that none of it was ever your fault, you never did anything to deserve that."

With every word he said I wanted to ask him to stop but I couldn't because, in reality, I couldn't stop listening. I needed to hear this.

"And if your father went for you it's only because he knew you were the strong one, Carlos. The one with the potential to get rid of him someday... the one he feared."

He squeezes my shoulder, the feeling unknown yet welcomed, more than welcomed.

"I should have done something to stop him, I should have tried to protect you when I had the chance, and trust me I blame myself every day for not doing something but now, now I'm here and you will never be alone in this ever again. Not for as long as I'm here." Rick says, meaning every word.

And then, before I even notice I'm doing it I'm hugging him.

"Thank you," I whisper still with my arms around him.

"There's nothing to thank, son." He whispers back, hugging me tighter and comforting me the way a father would do.

We stay like that for a good few seconds and then I finally let go. Hiding my vulnerability once again to focus on what truly matters right now.

Ending this.

"I will phone the prison, ask for a call with Matteo, and tell him everything that happened yesterday, where we are standing," I tell Rick looking for my phone around the desk and finally finding it slightly covered by some paper. "I will ask him about the apartment he has over at the south of Manhattan to see if Mia and I could stay there for a while."

"Good, I will call Nathan and ask for more updates." He nods also going back into business and acting as if what just happened was totally natural.

"Before, you said we didn't have anything, what about the car the cameras captured outside? The black one, nothing came up?" I ask remembering how yesterday night Nathan sent us some footage about a black sedan that was parked outside our building for twelve hours straight.

And yes, we are working with Nathan on this. I don't really know why taking that only a few days ago I would have rather died than be on the same team as him but I guess that after all the enemy of your enemy is truly your friend and I won't lie, as much as I hate it he is actually pretty helpful.