The Belly of the Beast

Ch. 56, When You're Dead

"You sure we should let her sit on the dress like that? They said if anything happened to it, it'd come out of our pay."

I kept my head bowed, folded against the side of a moving cart that looked as if it had once held some sort of food supplies and now held only me. Once I would have jumped at the chance to examine it in detail. Now I couldn't even find the energy to lift my head. They had separated Dagger and I, taking us to separate rooms where I was provided with food, water, clean clothes, and absolute silence. Somehow it felt like the worst punishment of the Letter Trials so far. Without Dagger, or anyone to talk to, I felt alternatively numb and angry, sometimes determined to find Androcles no matter what it took, or to punish the Top for Nuka's and Yana's death.... Mostly I wanted only to bury my head into Xyla's shoulder.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was likely closer to two days, two women had entered my room, scrubbed me clean and forced me into the red dress I wore now. Then I'd been passed off to the two guards now residing in the front of the cart, who both seemed eager to redefine stupid.

"How the hell would they know it was our fault? Like it matters what she's wearing. They'll probably kill her in the first five minutes of getting up there." One of the guards kicked the side of the cart, the reverberation startling me upright. "Hey, sit up straight, and pull your gloves up higher. Hide your ugly arm." The two of them laughed.

I tugged off the shoulder length white silk gloves they'd forced me into, and then tossed them out of the cart. The white faded into the distance as our cart continued forward. The guards' laughter died, but I was too exhausted to enjoy it. I would have thrown off the dress too, but showing up naked hardly seemed the way to prove to the Highs I wasn't a complete animal.

But I wasn't wearing the gloves. I wouldn't hide what I was.

As we traveled through the level, too fast to absorb much, I felt like one of the old Earth spectators that had visited new places, took pictures, and then left. Tourists. Xyla had always loved the idea, but right now all I wanted was to leave this place forever.

The vehicle traveled through long hallways lit with bright lights. I thought I glimpsed distant rooms of sparkling water or trees or vast ballrooms with moving lights; they all disappeared before I could look closer. I wondered where Dagger was, and if they were treating him well. Had he found some way to say goodbye to Nuka? I had tucked the single leaf I'd taken from the Circled Forest into Nuka's pocket before the guards had dragged me away from his body. It felt like a pathetically small way to say goodbye. We had a tradition in the Belly, of gathering and singing after someone had passed—celebrating a person's life instead of mourning it. But I knew so little about Nuka. And now, no one would celebrate him.

Finally the cart stopped and the guards opened up the back. My gaze slowly rose from the ground to find a waiting crowd in a vast room with a single staircase at the far end.

A sort of reverent hush fell as we approached the gathered people. They parted before me, their eyes full of both fear and reverence. I walked forward in silence.

The guards led me to the wide staircase. Another set of guards stood at the base of the staircase, but they parted before us, same as the crowd.

We began to climb. The top landing was small, with real torches set to the side of a simple door. Guarding it stood a single K-guard.

"Approach, Z." He said nothing to the guards behind me, and after a moment they fell back until I was alone with the single guard.

"The Highs are waiting for you," he said, voice soft enough only I could hear him.

Did I see pity in his eyes? Or concern? Maybe he bet money on me, I thought bitterly. Even so, I couldn't help but ask, "Is Dagger coming?"

He gave me a soft smile, like you might a child. "You'd best forget that one." The only one I'll forget is you.

The door was different from the previous ones, a single sheet of slick metal. He pushed something, a sort of knowing smile on his face, and the iron sheeting slowly began to rise. Each inch it rose wound the tension in my chest tighter and tighter.

What would you say Yana, if you saw me now? You told me to fight, but for how long? At what point do I stop fighting?

The door revealed a staircase lined in red carpet, like a river of blood flowing down to greet me.

"Good luck, Z." The Kaptain's voice made me jump. I'd almost forgotten him. And then, as if he were urging me forward, he whispered, "Live in the Beast."

"Die in the Beast," I echoed out of habit, wanting to pull the words back as soon as I said them. My heart beat itself ragged, and whether the crowd below us booed, cheered, or was completely silent, I couldn't have said.

I stepped forward, into Level I, because I knew what Yana's answer would have been.

You stop fighting when you're dead.