Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Downhill Real Fast

It's clear to me now how much I relied on Jennifer to pump me full of falsehoods. I won't say lies because they could have become true but they were misleading for her own agenda. Pushing me towards Jack and for what reason? He is physically, mentally and emotionally off limits. Pushing me towards Todd but saying she agrees that there is something off in him? If she knows that why didn't she tell me? I feel so very foolish putting my faith in someone that wasn't me and not trusting my gut. I know I should have stayed with Oliver and now I have to live within this new framework without him. The pain I feel about him is excruciating. It hurt me more than I can articulate. But there was an extreme sense of freedom from me telling him how I feel. That's all I can control and the reality sets in that he is working on finding happiness with someone else. So who am I to rob him of that?

Obviously I can't blame Jennifer for everything since I sought her advice much of the time. But I regret not fighting for what I know to be right for me, regardless of what she thought. I am confident that my path with Oliver will cross again. I don't know how but I know it will and that's enough knowledge to have. My experiences of channeling left me feeling reliant for more insight, none of which was accurate or true. I am exhausted from following the folly of hopes or fancies I have created with the help of others. My heart knows what it wants and needs and that is Oliver. He's a good man with a kind soul who sees me. For the first time I'm writing down what I don't want in someone. They don't need to be the most established. I don't want to lead a life full of private clubs and showmanship. The life I want has people I value in it. It has a man I love who treats me with kindness, respect and wonder. It is a peaceful and fulfilling life. So why do I let myself be pushed and coerced into something that appears more valuable on the outside but is in fact empty on the inside? Spry I know you're listening and I know you know who my heart wants and needs so please bring him back to me soon. Especially so I can apologize and come clean and we can begin a life together.

---

Something about Todd wasn't sitting right. The night before our next date I was hit with another channeling episode. I hadn't gotten good at controlling the energy flow yet so I was kind of being zinged left and right by calls to immediately start writing. On this particular day, I channeled 87th street and 3rd Avenue. There was no other context. 87th street and 3rd Avenue? I kept channeling and it said go to 87th street and 3rd Avenue so I did. Yes I recognize that sounds absurd but I couldn't let it go. 87th street and 3rd Avenue wouldn't quit and besides, it was a short subway.

Hand to God I walked to 87th street and 3rd Avenue and waited ten minutes. I looked around. Was I supposed to see someone I knew? I looked at passing strangers and recognized no one. Didn't even make eye contact with someone. For some reason I thought Todd still lived over here. Maybe twenty-ninth was his new home? I pulled out my phone and texted him.

"Hey do you still live near 87th street and 3rd Avenue? Super random I know" My phone buzzed almost immediately.

"No, don't you remember? I told you I gave up my space in New York. When I come to the city I stay in hotels." My stomach churned. He swore he had told me. But I knew I would have remembered this key piece of information. He explained he had been splitting his time between California and New York. Why keep a place in New York when all his friends lived out west? Those were the words he used.

I tucked my phone back into my purse and swallowed the nausea. I still feel it now. My throat has a lump in it and my stomach is doing somersaults. Later that night I couldn't take the discomfort anymore. I picked up the phone and called Ben.

"Hey! What's going on?" I was on 8th Avenue and 14th street and felt like I was going to be sick.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt your Thursday. Do you mind if I come over, I need to talk to you." For some reason I wanted to him about this in person. The phone didn't feel safe. I needed to see his face when I explained what I knew.

"Yea of course is everything okay?" I'm sure he could hear the concern in my voice.

"Yep I'm good, I just need to talk to you." We hung up and I called an uber. Within the half hour I was at Ben's front door and thought I might faint.

I took a seat and he handed me a glass of wine. I didn't need it to calm down but it certainly helped give me a distraction. He told me I was white as a sheet, had I seen a ghost?

For some reason it felt really difficult to explain what I had learned about Todd. It almost felt like the words got jumbled in my head and I couldn't untangle them which is odd considering it's pretty straight forward. I told him what I knew and I asked him about the gun. If it had happened, there's no way Ben wouldn't have heard about it.

When I was done telling him the story Ben looked at me wide eyed. I remember it so clearly because I truly have never seen him shocked. In all the time we have known each other I've never seen what happens to his face when I leave him speechless.

"Nora" he started cautiously.

"I know" I scrubbed my hands over my eyes. I had to find a way out of this.

"Are you sure this is what he said?"

"I'm positive. Word for word."

"Fuck. Nora, this is bad. I've heard a lot of things that he's done or said in the past but this is bad."

"Wait what? What have you heard?"

"I mean I don't want to gossip" I rolled my eyes. But in fairness to Ben, I had never heard him speak about another person. Ever. It was one of things I appreciated about him.

"It's not gossiping if I'm in trouble."

"It's just, I've heard he's told people a lot of stuff before. I've heard the money laundering one, then there was his dog dying like five times. Sometimes he tells people he had to put his girlfriend in an asylum so he can get sympathy. I've never heard him say he got held up at gunpoint though. I would have heard about that.

"Oh my god" I ran my fingers through my hair.

"I can't tell you what to do but are you sure you want to go out with him again?" Ben looked at me concerned and like I had six heads.

"I just, I don't know how to get out of it." That was truth. I really didn't know how to get out of it. If Todd sounds like Luke it's because they're both non-light energy. When you go to that extent to lie about your life to gain sympathy or attention from others, you can bet they're probably a non-light being.

I thanked Ben for his input and changed the subject. The less I thought about what danger I could be in the better. I would love to tell you that Todd and I never went out again. But that would mean I wasn't an idiot which we both know, I have demonstrated to be one countless times so far.