Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

The Universe and Me

There's a kinship there. I wouldn't say a deep affection. Just a kinship of two souls operating on the same plane for brief periods for time. I can't say I ever miss him anymore. He fills a space that's always been there for him since I was twenty-one. But now we are older. He's two years older than me. What do we have to show for ourselves in this regard? Nothing has changed. I feel somewhat sad about that.

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When Oliver got home from traveling it was nearly Thanksgiving. He had just gotten back from a trip and he came over to check on me. At least I think that's what happened. I can't remember if I invited him or if he volunteered. I wonder now if he even missed me. It had been so long since we had seen each other, almost the entire month of November. Itt seems odd now that we wouldn't miss one another. But I truly can't recall the sensation of missing him. I just remember wanting to be put together before he showed up. I took a shower. I opened all the windows. I aired out the apartment and put on real clothes.

By the time he arrived I had to lay down on the couch because my breathing was so shallow I thought I would faint. He came in and kissed me on the forehead then took a seat on the arm chair across from me. He looked at me and I could tell he didn't see me. I kind of felt like a chore. Maybe he didn't know what to do. If I'm being kind, I'd think that. If I'm not being kind I think, maybe he thought I was making it up.

I sat up on the couch and he moved to take a seat in the orange arm chair miles away from me. That should have been an indicator. You haven't seen your girlfriend in three weeks and you sit across the room. I wonder if this is when he cheated on me. Something tells me it is. Maybe his guilt was the driver for the distance. I don't know he did for sure by the way. I always suspected it and one time I channeled it. But I would never ask him. Some things are best left unasked.

We caught up about his travel and he pulled out a coffee mug from the gift shop. He was hesitant to give it to me. It kind of felt like he was giving a gift to a stranger. I still have it packed away in one of my Boston boxes. It became one of my favorite cups both because he gave it to me and because it's a good mug.

I kept the details of the last few weeks to a minimum and honestly he didn't ask. Eventually I told him I needed to lay down. We went to my bedroom and I immediately felt uncomfortable. I felt weird not hooking up with him. In my mind it felt like he had come all this way for me. It was the least I could do. Fucked up right? That's what I'm saying. I see how fucked up it is now. But at the time it seemed normal. Let me be clear, in no way did Oliver pressure me. In fact, I was the one who asked. He was shocked when I brought it up and adamant about not doing it. He didn't want to hurt me.

I assured him I was fine. The room was spinning and I could only see him partially but I was "fine" and he didn't need to know all the details. He wouldn't want me then. Why would he want someone who was this damaged? We ended up trying and I did almost pass out. But I don't think he noticed. If he did, he didn't let on. He didn't stay. Not because he didn't want to but because I physically couldn't share a bed with him. The sound of his breathing, the sensation of a sheet rustling across me would send me into a nauseous spiral so deep I wouldn't be able to move for two hours. When he left, I felt guilty. Like I hadn't been enough for him.

This feels weird acknowledging because when I think about our relationship on the larger scale, it seemed bright and cheery but writing this, I see our flaws. I understand how you must be wondering what our relationship was like. Sometimes I wonder about it too. On most days he feels real and strong, this central being I orbited around for a time. Other days he feels completely out of reach as if I created him in my mind. I guess that's what happens when you move from the physical to the soul realm. You lose the option of holding onto one. You can't hold space for both and that becomes a problem.