Nora Kinkaid Wants Her Life Back

Welcome

I need to talk about Oliver. I'm wired up for three days and have no major use of technology so its time I talk about Oliver and not in the short spurts I parse out in therapy. I mean the entirety of that time and how I haven't healed from it. It's a story worth telling so I'm going to write it all down. The truth is, I loved him almost immediately. He was like a ray of sunshine, my reward for all the obstacles I had overcome.

I don't remember a thing from our first date because I was too busy looking at his eyes. Not in them but at them. They were guarded and I knew he was trusting me. I knew he was trying and I immediately wanted to be his safe haven.

I would have slept with him on the first date if I wasn't so concerned with the optics. But he knew. He pulled me in and gave me one of those kisses that reminds you what it feels like to be really kissed; Really, truly, deeply kissed and that was all it took.

Our second date the night after we had nothing to talk about. We were cautious, almost shy. I was so nervous it wouldn't work out. But then we went back to mine after getting locked out once before and he had a hole in his sock and I thought it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I wanted to take care of him, desperately.

We went out and I met his roommates. They were nice and surprising. I can't tell if they were surprised by me or surprised he had met someone. I was surprised he hadn't yet. It was easy but we were both anxious. The quicker we moved the harder it got to accommodate one another. Although I guess it would have been easy if we wanted to. If we really wanted to.

Then I got the headaches and at the hospital I remember telling him it was no big deal. Not to worry. I didn't know how to tell him I was petrified. It still hurts to write about this and it's been eighteen months. But it's true, I was petrified. For three weeks I was in bed. He never checked on me. At least, I don't remember him doing so.

I only saw him once. It was difficult. I wanted desperately to crawl into bed with him and cry but I crawled in bed and performed. He didn't ask me to. I didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want to be viewed as vulnerable. And that's what led to the pressure.

I wanted him but I ran into Ben's arms out of pure fear. I knew it was deliberate. I won't apologize but yes, it was certainly deliberate. It seemed like a choice I wanted to make. At the time I had been left hanging about Thanksgiving. He had been pulling away. He told me he didn't do well with dropping things in his lap. I felt constricted and tamed when before I felt expansive and whole. He shifted and so did I.

Then New Year's happened and suddenly every mistake was made. I should have gone. I regret that so much. I regret not talking to him, not swallowing my pride. It felt the time for us to meet had passed.

The color of his soul is cornflower blue. It's important. I want you to know that. I want someone to know that I've seen this man's soul and it breaks my heart that I will likely never see it again. But it's cornflower blue and it lights up when it sees mine in a way that leaves me breathless.

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My name is Nora Kincaid and I'm in a fight with a non-light being. Yes I recognize that sounds odd to the typical person. But I am not typical. I mean, I am in all the general senses of the word. I am perfectly healthy (ish). I look normal, even average from the outside. I am five feet zero inches tall. I see the world from a lower height than most which is both a positive and a negative. Negatively, I can't reach for high up things and require a step stool. Positively, I see a lot more at eye level with others. For instance, I see passing glances between lovers and haters more astutely than say, someone six foot four inches. Which is the exact height that Oliver was.

In general, I am average. There is nothing remarkable about me outside of the fact that I am indeed in a fight with a non-light being. Oh, also the fact that I can channel aka communicate between the things in this world and the things that aren't. Oh, and the fact that I can see dead people. Just kidding!