The Devil's Redemption | ✓

|67| The past that hunts us

"I don't need help and especially not from fucking therapist. I'm fine, I have been living like this for my whole life. I just need to finish this and then everything will be fine." I repeat once again trying to convince her and myself.

"Carlos..."

"It will work, it has to. Once this is over I will be able to forget everything my father did and start from cero. I will leave everything behind except you and we will be okay. You and me." I say but this time I know the only one I'm trying to convince myself. "We will be okay."

The sad look on her face says everything that has to be said, and it kills me, it rips me out from the inside because I can tell she doesn't believe this will work out. That she thinks I have finally lost it. And for a second I believe she is about to leave me, decide that staying isn't worth it but then she walks closer to me.

"This is not the way, you can't go to prison just to talk to Nico, it's crazy Carlos, I'm not sure how you can't see it but it is." She gives another step closer. "You won't be protected in there, you will be all alone, and for what? You don't even know if Nico will speak or if he knows anything relevant." She explains trying to reason with me. "I know you want this to be over but this is not the way. Does Rick know about this? Matteo?"

"No, no one knows," I mutter in confusion, her words making me see this in a new different light.

"Carlos... I think you know this isn't a good idea and that's why you hid it from us." She keeps getting closer. "Call Nathan and tell him that you don't need that anymore. You will simply visit Nico and get every piece of information you can. Then you will come back here, to me and we will think of something. We will do this together okay? You aren't alone in this." Her hand is now on my shoulder. "If you don't want to talk about this with someone at least let me help you."

"No, no this is the right way. I'm sure it is, I had a plan. I made a plan. We have to follow the plan, Mia. We have to." I tell her, the words getting out my mouth faster than I'm able to process them and my whole body shaking.

"Carlos, hey. It's fine. Let's go sit down okay?." She says softly as she leads me away towards the sofas in the living room.

And I let her because suddenly it feels as if the world were closing around me. My brain is a fucking mess. I can't think, nothing makes any sense anymore and for some reason, I can't fucking breathe.

Why is there no air?

"Carlos, you are hyperventilating I'm going to need you to slow down your breathing okay? You will be okay but I need you to stop thinking about this for a second and focus on your breathing." I can hear her words but they make no sense.

"What's happening to me?" I mutter as I sit down on the sofa and try to get ahold of myself. "Why can't I breathe? What's happening?" I panic looking at her for answers.

"I fear you are having a panic attack but you will be okay, just breathe, Carlos. I promise you you can. Follow me. In and out." She whispers looking directly into my eyes. "Okay? In and out."

"Mia..." it's all I manage to say, scared shitless.

I have never felt this way before. I can feel my heart going faster and faster. Hear it pumping against my chest so loud I can barely hear my thoughts and my lungs burn every time I try to take some air in.

God, I can't.

"Carlos, listen to my voice. Slowly take air in and then exhale. You can do it, I know you can." She hesitantly puts her hands against my shoulders which takes me out of my trance just so slightly. "In and out, follow my lead."

I do as she says, breathing in slowly and then exhaling as I stare into her brown eyes and feel the weight of her hands over my body. She is my only link to reality. The one thing keeping me from losing it.