Back to the start line - Minsung

3.2 What comes third?

It's like a daydream,
but I got some other, better plans

I wanna scream and shout,
my heart caught in chains

Cold heart, cold hands,
fire in my veins,
fire in my veins,
heart in chains

~~~

He isn't sure what he is doing. One thing he's certainly sure of is that he's a fucking coward. A pitiful coward who should be left alone in his own fucking mess which he doesn't manage to clean up on his own.

He doesn't want help nor does he need it. That is what he has been telling himself, over and over.

However, maybe, just maybe, he craves to be wrapped in Minho's embrace. It's a second home for him. Besides, he prefers it over this chaotic place.

So, he doesn't know what he is doing. Why is he not picking his phone up from the floor, from somewhere he abandoned it earlier. Why is he not picking it up, calling Minho or texting him? Telling him he's fine, telling him he's sorry.

Why is he not telling Minho that he loves him?

Jisung left his phone muted earlier and threw it away, out of his sight. That was after he had scrambled to his room and before that he dived under the covers, curling up and arms wrapping around himself.

It has been days. He has been buried in his bed like a corpse rotting away for days. He's such a coward.

He doesn't know if this is exhaustion or laziness. He doesn't know if he's being stupid, a sloth, a supine shithead. It's not like he's able to get up though. He isn't mentally capable of that. On the other hand, he hasn't really tried either.

He has missed days from school, from work, lacking human interaction and contact to the world on the other side of his room's walls.

And if there has been one thing- one person filling his mind, it's Minho. Minho with the other guy, Minho, Minho, Minho. Jisung could also be overreacting, overthinking and reading all this wrong.

He just feels like sulking, pitying himself.

May sleep fix this. He wishes to be able to stay asleep for how long as it takes. Maybe forever?

He wishes to be able to fall asleep and never wake up again. Being asleep without seeing dreams. Those unrealistic visions are useless.

He is useless.

~~~

I'm a volcano
that is going to explode in a sec,
I'm so hypnotized
by someone who I have never ever met

Don't wanna forget.
Am I dreaming yet?
Poetic dream,
I don't want it to end, oh

~~~

The tiled wall and the tiled floor are hard, uncomfortable to lean against. He doesn't care.

He could never, ever care less, not when he's in this kind of a state of mind. In a mindset, in a mood, where he becomes destructive.

Yes, he managed to get himself to the bathroom, not only to empty his bladder but take some painkillers as well. He took two.

Moreover, the certain familiar itch was starting to grow and before it had the chance to grow unbearable, the blade sank deep into his skin and flesh.

He has been bleeding on the bathroom floor for... He doesn't know. Hours? Could be.

He doesn't even know what the time is or what the day is. He's lost in his head, losing the hold on everything around him, the world and himself.