Close Protection

The Hardest Decision of My Life

I woke with a start from a nightmare about Baghdad, the sound of bullets and screams still ringing in my ears. As I opened my eyes I saw Jennie leaning over me, her eyes looking hurt.

"Hey," she said, her hand still caught up in my hair, "sleep well?"

"Not really," I replied rubbing my eyes with my forearm, causing Jennie to pull back her hand.

"Where did you go last night baby?" She asked softly and I internally winced at the pain in her voice. "I was worried about you."

"Couldn't sleep," I replied, "so I went out for a drive."

"Where did you go?" she pressed, ever so slightly beginning to piss me off.

"I just drove around," I said, trying to avoid answering the question.

"All night?" Jennie continued, pressing the interrogation

"All night Jennie; Jesus fucking Christ I drove around all night, then I came back ok? What more do you fucking want from me?"

I let my tiredness, my frustration, and my need for her to back the fuck off leak out into my voice for the first time in our relationship; watching her recoil as I did so. I felt a thin sliver of guilt creep into my heart, but I ignored it; knowing I was acting for the greater good. It hurt me to see her in pain like that, of course it did, but she needed to let me go...I knew that now. Ever since she met me I had brought her danger, right back to that very first day when we were barely on speaking terms.

"Hey," she replied softly, composing herself swiftly, "I wasn't having a go; I was worried that's all."

"No need," I replied dryly, "I can look after myself you know?"

"I'm not sure you can Lisa," she said finally biting back, squaring her shoulders at me as she sat back, her hackles obviously rising. "In fact, I think it's quite the opposite; I think you need to talk to someone about all of this..."

"Oh you do, do you?" I snapped, "Made me an appointment with Joanna already have you?"

"No," she snapped back, standing up, "but perhaps I should, it sounds like you need it!"

"Oh really, some kind of a fucking expert are you?" I shouted, wishing she'd just fuck off and leave me alone.

"Actually I am," she shouted angrily, "remember? We need fucking help Lisa, you and me, we've been through something awful and we need someone to help us get through it, because fuck knows were doing a shitty job of it ourselves."

"Something awful?" I sneered back at her, "that wasn't awful; you want to know what's awful hun? Watching your best mate die in front of you is awful, tasting his fucking blood on your lips as he dies, that's awful; spending month after month under attack is awful, watching your friends, the people you've spent your life with die for no fucking reason...that's fucking awful hun. Worst of all? Sitting next to a hospital bed watching your mother die...that's more than fucking awful. Getting the fuck away from an ambush unharmed? That's fucking nothing; that's like a holiday for me."

"I wouldn't call what happened to Sungjae being unharmed Lili," she retorted, Ignoring my jibes and hitting a very raw nerve, rendering me speechless for a second. I watched her take a deep breath, closing her eyes and composing herself carefully.

"I don't want to fight with you Lisa," she said in her best soothing voice. "I was worried about you that's all; you scared the shit out of me last night when you left without saying goodbye."

"You don't need to be worried about me Jennie," I told her again, "I don't need anyone to be worried about me."

"I think I'm allowed to be worried about you," she replied coolly, reaching out to touch my leg none the less. "I love you, remember?"

"I remember," I said, holding onto my resolve with both hands, gripping it tightly.

"Yeah well," she replied leaning forward and kissing me on the forehead, "don't forget it ok? We'll get through this Lisa; we'll get through this shit, and we'll do it together."

I watched her as she walked out of my room head held high; she wasn't fooling me though, I knew I'd hurt her by leaving, and I knew I was hurting her now. But she was better off hurting and safe, than put at risk...I was even more convinced of that now.

o+o+o

There was a familiar presence sitting on my bed when I returned from my shower, my bathrobe wrapped tightly around me. I couldn't help but let out a sigh as Yeaji held out a cup to me.

"I thought a nice cup of tea might help, and a bit of privacy," she added gesturing at the door.

"Help what?" I asked, closing the door with my foot and rubbing at my hair with my towel, ignoring the cup.

"I don't know Lisa," Yeaji replied unfazed by my actions, putting the cup down on the floor. "Why don't you sit down and tell me what the hell is going on in your head; and this time no bullshit."

"I'd rather get dressed thank you very much," I told her, "in private...that means once you've fucked off somewhere else," I added at her raised eyebrow.

"Well that's not going to happen is it?" she said, sitting back and sipping at her own cup, the familiar smell of Jennie's favourite tea not escaping my attention. "I'm not going anywhere Lisa, not until you tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing going on," I snapped, dropping my towel to the floor and picking up my clothes from where I had left them on the bed; getting dressed and ignoring the fact that Yeaji was with me completely. My intention had been to shock her, perhaps embarrass her into walking away, it hadn't worked.

"Nice tattoo," she said, totally unfazed by my nudity, "that must have hurt a bit."

"Hurt less than the scars I've got," I replied, pulling a hoodie over my head, covering my dragons as quickly as I could.

"I would imagine so yes," Yeaji continued as I pulled on my jeans and buttoned them closed. "So then, are you going to tell me why you're being a bitch to Jennie all of a sudden?"

"It's none of your business what's going on between Jennie and me," I said snidely as I tugged my boots over my socks and laced them tightly. "So I would appreciate it if you would butt the fuck out and leave us alone."

"Not a chance," Yeaji replied coolly, not reacting to my antagonism in any obvious way. "You're both my friends Lisa and I, for one, don't abandon my friends when they need me."

"Are you saying I do?" I snapped, turning on her with angry eyes.

"You tell me," she snapped back, before letting out a breath, "look Lisa, I'm trying to help here ok? I've been trying to help you ever since you got back."

"I don't want your 'help'," I said holding her look unflinchingly; "I don't need it either."

It was an honest answer as well, I didn't want or need her help, I'd made my own arrangements the night before, my confirmation e-mail arriving moments after I'd sent it, much to my surprise.

"That's why I'm sitting here," Yeaji continued, "Soohyun called me while you were in the shower; said you've asked him for a few days off."

"That's right," I replied simply, heading for the wardrobe and hunting through it for my favourite and only jacket, lifting it off the hanger I had placed it on before we'd left on that fateful trip.

"Have you told Jennie you're going away?" Yeaji asked quietly.

"What makes you think she doesn't already know?"

"Oh I don't know, the fact that she hasn't mentioned it...the fact that she's really upset that you're shoving her away and the fact that she's worried about you."

"She said...I told her she didn't need to."

"Well she isLisa, and you know she will carry on worrying about you until you sort your shit out."

"That's what I'm trying to do," I said finally, sitting down on the bed once again. "I can't do it here though; I can't do it when she's around."

"Why not?" Yeaji pressed, "Why won't you let Jennie help you?"

"Because it won't work, I need to get away and get my head straight, I can't switch off while I'm around her, and I can't work out what's going on in my head without switching off."

"Is that why you left last night?" she asked, the questioning relentless, "to try and work things out?"

I nodded, hoping that she'd finally got it; we sat there in silence for a while, before Yeaji finally got to her feet and walked to the door.

"Tell her what you're doing this time," she said simply as she opened the door, "don't just take off without saying anything; ok? It's not fair on her."

I looked up at her as she waited in the doorway for me to reply. I knew that she was right, but I wasn't looking forward to that conversation; Manoban the coward was making an appearance again and I wanted to do nothing more than grab my coat and my bag and run for the hills. I couldn't do it though; Yeaji was right, it really wouldn't be fair on Jennie, not fair at all. Somehow Yeaji must have seen my conflict and made the first move.

"JENNIE!" Yeaji called out with a slight smile on her lips, a smug smile that told me that she knew she had me beaten. "Lisa needs you!"

"What's wrong," Jennie said appearing out of her bedroom, eyes red raw from crying. "What's the matter with..." her voice tailed off as she saw us together.

"Lisa's got something to discuss with you mate," Yeaji said walking towards Jennie and placing her hand on her shoulder as they passed in the hallway, patting her gently before leaving us alone. I stared into her pain filled eyes and took a firm grip on my heart. I loved her like I had loved only one other person in my fucking life and now I was going to have to do something I really didn't want to; I was going to have to tell her the truth.

"What's going on Lisa?" Jennie said walking into my room and standing at the foot of the bed, "What did Yeaji mean by that?"

"Sit down Jennie" I said, knowing her heart would be aching at my words; she wasn't stupid, and I could tell how upset she was right then. "I'm going to have to go away for a few days."

I practically spat the words out of my mouth, as if hoping that the faster I said it the easier it would be on both of us. It didn't work though; I could see the words hit her like a gunshot.

"What?" she stammered out as her tears began to fall again, "what do you mean?"

"I need to get away for a few days," I repeated, feeling sick to my stomach, "be by myself."

"Be by yourself? What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means I need to be on my own for a bit Jennie," I said the bile rising in my throat, "I need some time by myself, to help me get my head straight about all this."

"All this what Lisa?" Jennie sobbed, her tears flowing freely now, "do you mean us, is that what you mean?"

"Us, what happened in Baghdad, this job, everything," I said softly, wanting to hug her and knowing that it wouldn't be the right thing to do, for either of us. "I need to do some thinking Jennie, and I can't do that here. I've arranged for Andy to take over from me for a few days so you don't have to worry about your security..."

"You're fucking kidding right? You're really going to just take off, now? After all we've been through?"

"It's only for a few days Jennie," I repeated. "I just need some time by myself, that's all, don't turn this into something more than it is."

"Then explain it to me love, talk to me. You've not talked to me since we were attacked; not properly anyway," she added before I could legitimately deny it. She was right of course, we had spoken, but we hadn't talked at all. I'd withdrawn into the firebase, rolled out the defences, and piled up the sandbags; but this time I'd made sure that Jennie was firmly on the other side of the wire.

"I can't," I said finally, "it's not something I can really explain."

"Try," she replied, wiping her eyes with her shirt, "please. Just tell me why you want to go away."

"Because Jennie," I sighed slumping on the bed; "just because...I can't get myself together while I'm with you because I can't stop doing my job; I can't switch off and focus on me, and if I can't switch off I can't sort out what's going on in my head...does that make sense?"

"Not really," she replied looking at me sadly, "but if that's what you think you need..."

"It is," I interrupted, "it really is. I'm sorry but I need some time alone right now."

There was a long silence, a silence that was filled with tension, and awkwardness, and pain before finally, Jennie broke it.

"Ok babe, but please tell me you'll at least get in touch with Joanna while you're away," she said sadly. "I know you're having bad dreams again...and don't deny it Lili, I've heard you crying out in your sleep, no matter how far away I am."

She sort of had me there, I couldn't deny it, and I could deny her either. She was trying to be brave, I could hear the steel she was injecting into that hurt voice of hers, and I couldn't let her down.

"I will, I promise," I said, guilt flowing through me like a raging river. I needed to get out of here before I did or said something I'd regret. "I'll call her as soon as I get a minute ok?"

"No, not really Lili, but I guess it'll have to do." JEnnie said with finality in her voice. "Will you at least say goodbye before you leave?"

"Course I will," I replied looking at her as she got up. It nearly broke my heart to see her so upset and trying to avoid it I flopped backwards onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling rather than look at the broken girl in front of me.

'It's for the best,' I told myself over and over again, counting the hairline cracks and chips in the plaster of the ceiling above me. 'It's all for the fucking best.'

I closed my eyes and started counting, trying to obliterate the thoughts that were torturing me right there and then. As I reached forty-five I felt the bed dip next to me and an arm drape itself over my stomach as Jennie snuggled in against me. I took a tight hold of my feelings and gave them a hard fucking shake; no matter how good it felt to have her lying next to me again, I still needed to make the break.

"Jennie..." I started, before being shushed with a finger that pressed to my lips.

"Don't say anything Lili," she whispered softly, "please...I've fucking missed you, and I'm going to miss you a lot more when you're not even around for me to see. Just let me have this last moment with you...before you leave me."

I felt my chest tighten at her words; it was as if she knew that this wasn't going to be a short term thing, that it might be more than I was letting on. We lay there in silence, our breathing the only thing to disturb the moment. Out in the flat I could hear the dull murmur of the television, and the sound of voices as Yeaji chatted with Andy in the living room. From outside I could hear the noise of London's traffic and the occasional sound of sirens; eventually though the sound was drowned out by the sound of my beating heart, pounding away in my chest like a kettle drum, hammering out the beat to march to. It felt so fucking right to be here like this, but it was that sense of rightness that was concerning me. It had felt right with Bambam, with mum, this was exactly the same feeling that was the crow at the window, the black shuck, the harbinger of doom.

I don't know how long we lay there together, but it seemed like an instant and eternity at the same time. I was wondering how I could get her to move, and wondering if I actually wanted her to go, when I felt her shift next to me; her soft lips pressed gently against mine, moving gently against my unresisting own. There was no passion in the kiss, not the passion of the last few weeks anyway; instead there was a blissful tenderness, a tenderness that made my head, and my heart hurt at the same time. All too soon she broke away, leaning above me as my eyes open, staring down at me.

"I'll miss you," she said simply, blinking back tears, "Remember your promise yeah? Say goodbye before you go."

o+o+o

I lay on the bed for a long time after Jennie left, counting cracks and counting heartbeats; eventually though I knew I had to sort out my shit and get moving. The day was drawing inexorably onwards and I had a long way to go and a lot of things to do before I could call it a night. With a long sigh I dragged myself to my feet and collected my things, my bag already packed. I paused in front of my picture, the one I'd hung on the wall in pride of place; with a frown I lifted it from the hook and laid it down on the bed, wrapping it in a T-shirt carefully. I unzipped my travelling bag and tucked the picture inside; making sure it was safe before zipping it closed for the last time. Grabbing it by the straps I threw it over my shoulder, picked up my jacket and walked out into the dark hallway.

"A word," I said as I peered around the living room door, seeing Yeaji sat with her arm around Jennie's shoulders.

"Sure," Andy said getting up from the sofa; I waited for him to pass me into the hallway before pulling the door to behind me.

"I guess you know I'm going away for a bit," I began, "a few days, a week or so at the most."

"So I understand," he said stiffly, presumably annoyed with me too. I couldn't blame him; not if he'd had to deal with the emotional fall out in the living room

"Yeah, well don't be so quick to judge me Andy," I said with a sudden need to explain myself to a fellow professional, a fellow professional I actually respected. "I just need some time away from her after Iraq ok? I can't stop worrying about fucking up and getting her hurt or worse; and until I sort that out I'm worse than no fucking use to her, you understand?"

"I understand," Andy said, his eyes softening fractionally.

"Anyway, she means a fucking lot to me Andy, and I'm relying on you to keep her safe; so you take fucking good care of her or you will answer to me."

"I'll take care of her like you would Sarge," he said nodding. "You can rely on me; I've known her for a while too you know?"

"Just keep her safe then, those fuckers are still out there never forget that; don't drop your guard for a second."

"I won't," he said seriously.

"Good, now do me a favour, fuck off so I can say goodbye to Jennie."

"Will do boss," Andy said holding out his hand, "you take care of yourself Sarge, see you soon."

"Will do," I replied grasping his hand tightly and shaking it warmly, "when you go in would you ask her to..."

"No need," I heard her soft voice say, "I'm here."

"I'll bugger off then," Andy said with a wink, "give you both some privacy."

"Thanks Andy," Jennie said, her eyes not leaving mine while we waited for him to walk away and close the door behind him. "So you're really going then?"

"Just for a bit," I said quietly.

"Will you be all right?" she asked, and for the first time I could feel the awkwardness between us for the first time in what felt like a very long time; it was as if neither of us knew how to behave around each other, which was odd given how intimate we'd been earlier

"I'll be fine," I said, not at all sure if that would be the case.

"Lili I don't like this," Jennie said after a short pause, "I mean I understand that you need to go away for a bit, but I really don't like it."

"I know Jennie," I said looking at the floor, "it's just something I have to do...I need some time by myself."

"I know that," she said taking a tentative step towards me, "but I don't have to like it; I don't like what it could mean."

"I know, but don't worry."

"Do I at least get a hug?" Jennie asked, injecting that steel I so admired into her voice.

"Of course," I said opening my arms and nearly getting slammed against the wall as the little ball of passion slammed into me, the steel breaking under the strain and the floodgates opening. I wrapped my arms around her, holding onto her almost as tightly as she was holding me.

"Promise you'll call me?" she said as she burrowed her head into my shoulder, "and Joanna?"

"If I get chance I will," I said, promising without really promising anything at all.

"Where are you going to go Lili?"

"I don't really have a plan Jennie," I replied, kissing the top of her head, allowing myself that one last luxury before I closed the camp gates and locked down for the night. "I might go home, might go away; I think I will go and visit my mum though, other than that I don't really know."

She didn't reply, she just held me tighter, practically squeezing the life out of me. "I really need to get going," I said awkwardly, wondering if she would ever let go; to my relief she did, and stepped backwards as if I'd connected her to the mains electricity supply.

"So this is really goodbye?" Jennie asked a tear rolling down her cheek.

"For now," I told her, hoping to ease the pain that was etched on her face. "Goodbye Jennie."

"Goodbye for now Lili..."

"Oh for fucks sake kiss your girl goodbye and bugger off if you're going to Manoban," a familiar voice sang out from the kitchen. We both turned to see Yeaji standing there with an unlit cigarette lodged in her fingers. "That way I can go downstairs with you and smoke this."

"I thought you'd quit," I said accusingly.

"I have," she replied smoothly, "and stop changing the subject. I'm going to finish making this pot of tea and by the time I get back I expect you to have kissed, made up and said your goodbyes properly."

With a flourish she spun on her heels and walked back into the kitchen, humming loudly and banging closed doors.

"I think she's letting us know she can't hear us," Jennie said with a small smile on her lips as she turned back to me.

"I wouldn't trust her," I said smiling back, amused by her antics; "you and I both know she's listening in right now."

"Then we'd better do as she says then," she replied stepping forward, her hands cupping my face. "Don't want you to get another bollocking from her ladyship in there."

"I heard that," Yeaji called out, "less talking more kissing you two."

"Yes Ma'am," Jen murmured pulling me towards her and into our second kiss of the day, the most we'd done it since the night before the attack. This time it was no tender tapping of the lips; it was full on, and Jennie was putting everything into it that she had, as if she suspected that it would be our last. Finally though, we broke apart; Jennie holding my head against hers, our lips barely millimetres apart, foreheads touching.

"Goodbye Lili," she murmured, her lips flicking me as she spoke, "I meant it you know, I'll really miss you."

"It's only for a few days Nini," I said, my resolve starting to show cracks.

"I know that," she replied, not letting go, "but right now I'm a bit of a mess too, and I really wanted you with me while I got through it. I guess I know now why you were so far away all the time, I never realised that you'd be in pain too, you're so fucking brave I don't think I ever thought about it."

"I'm sorry," I said, my heart breaking at her words. I suddenly felt like a total bitch, I'd been so caught up in my own shit I'd really not stopped to think about how she was feeling, and how I might be affecting her at the same time. "I never...."

"Shhh," she whispered, her thumb slipping from my chin and pushing my lips closed. "I understand."

She kissed me once more, one more attack on my defensive lines. Hastily, and reluctantly, I pulled myself together and when we broke apart again, I pulled away, only to get a round of applause from Yeaji.

"That's more like it," she said. "I'll put this pot down then, I made your favourite Jennie."

"Thanks," she said without taking her eyes off me, drinking me in completely as I did the same. "I'll see you soon then."

"Yeah," I said sadly, "you will."

Was I lying? Even I wasn't sure; I got a nod and then Jennie was gone, turning and vanishing into the living room as if I'd slapped her face. For the second time I grabbed my bag and my jacket and, with a tinge of regret, I walked out into the corridor.

"Ready?" Yeaji said as she closed the front door behind her.

"For what?" I asked puzzled as she walked over to the lift, and stabbed at the buttons; her finger flexing as she repeatedly prodded at it before turning on me angrily.

"For the fucking bollocking I'm going to give you Pranpriya Lalisa Manoban..."

"It's Lalisa Pranpriya actually," I interrupted as I watched the number on the counter creep towards our floor.

"I don't give a shit actually," Yeaji said coldly as the doors opened in front of us. I was waiting for the doors to close when I heard a noise outside, a loud bang as a door hit a wall. Within seconds I found lips on mine once more asJennie threw herself through the still open doors, kissing me passionately and quickly. When she finally let me go she spoke through her tears.

"I fucking love you Lisa," she sobbed, "It is breaking my heart right now to see you go, but I'll let you go because I really fucking love you."

"I know Nini," I told her, "I know you do and ..."

"...and, well, keep that in your heart ok?" she interrupted quickly, placing her hand onto my chest, covering my rapidly beating organ. "Keep it right there that wherever the hell you are over the next few days there is someone in this world that fucking loves you. I may not be the same as your mum, or Bambam, but I love you as much or more as all of them. I love you Lisa Manoban, I love you so much I can actually let you leave, no matter how much it hurts."

"I love you too," I told her softly, saying the words that had eluded me for days now, my defences finally breached. "I'm sorry that this is hurting you, but it's the best thing for me, for us, for you even. You know we won't work with me going on the way I am right now."

"I know, I understand" she told me, even though I knew that she didn't mean it. How could she, even I didn't understand how I felt, I knew I just did. With a sniff she stepped backwards and out of the lift. "You can let the doors close now," she said to Yeaji, her tear filled brown eyes not leaving mine. "I love you Lili."

"I know," I said softly as the doors closed; the physical barrier between us finally in place. I don't know if she heard me, but it didn't matter; the deed was done and I don't think I could feel any worse about what I had just done. I was proven wrong as I turned to see the brunette staring at me, her eyes stony.

"That's why you're going to get a fucking bollocking Manoban; that's fucking why."

o+o+o

"That was cruel Manoban," Yeaji started when the lift opened in the underground car park and she tossed her cigarette away.

"Maybe, but it was necessary," I told her, turning away and walking towards the Beemer, parked in its usual space.

"Don't you walk away from me," Yeaji said sounding really annoyed. With a sudden jerk she grabbed my arm and spun me around. "I am so mad at you Lisa I can't fucking tell you. How could you do that to Jennie? You do know she's convinced that you're not coming back don't you?"

"I've not told her that," I blurted out, before I realised what I was saying. Yeaji scowled at me and desperately I tried to backtrack. "What I mean is, I've told her it will be a few days, that's all I've said...if she thinks it's something else, it's not come from me."

"She's right though isn't she?" Yeaji asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"I don't know Yeaji," I said sighing. "Right now I honestly don't know. I want to be with her, but I don't want to be responsible for her getting killed. I'm making mistakes Yeaji; I'm too fucking close to her."

"You bloody coward," she said scornfully keeping up the pressure on my ego. "That's just an excuse and you know it; I thought you were the big brave badass ex-Sergeant, tough as nails and not afraid of anything. I couldn't have been more wrong could I?"

"It's not like that, I'm trying to protect her," I defended myself, knowing that she was, of course, right.

"How? Just fucking explain yourself Lisa," Yeaji said angrily. "Stop being so fucking evasive and tell me what the fuck is really going on; because I'm the one that has to go back upstairs and deal with the mess you've left in that flat and I need to know, and you are not leaving until you talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, I'm not making excuses Yeaji, I'm being honest; I'm too close, I'm making mistakes, and I need to get some space so I can pull myself together. I explained all this to her earlier."

"I heard," Yeaji said stonily, "but it still doesn't explain things though Lisa, you two have been fucking about for ages and then you finally get your shit together, and now you're running away."

"I'm not running away, I'm going away to keep her safe..."

"...because you're making mistakes; so you said," Yeaji said staring at me unblinkingly. "I don't see why you would think that though. Jennie's safe; fucking hell you've saved her life single handedly...twice...and until recently you've both been really happy. Christ most of the time the two of you are fucking inseparable; her mother thinks the sun shines out of your arse, even Jisoo has come round to the two of you being together for fucks sake."

"Tell that to Sungjae," I said quietly.

"What the hell has Sungjae got to do with you and Jennie?" Yeaji pressed, shaking her head at me. I leant back against the cold concrete wall of the garage and allowed myself to slide down it to the cold floor; the rough surface scratching as I did so.

I stared at the bright halogen lights that dotted the ceiling for a while, blinking and 'looking' at the blocks of light that had burnt into my retinas until they faded. It was something I'd done in the desert too; staring into the bright light of the sun, and closing my eyes until it had faded away. I'd not done it since I was on the streets, staring at the bright lights that surrounded the M4 from the comfort of my cardboard castle. It surprised me that I found myself doing it once more and I stared at the back of my car, focusing on the number plate to stop me doing it again. To my surprise, when I tore my eyes away, I found Yeaji sitting on the cold concrete next to me.

"So are you going to explain that Sungjae comment Lisa?" she said, sounding resigned rather than angry.

"I fucked up Yeaji, before the ambush," I started, feeling sick again. "I was messing about with Jennie in the back of our jeep, not paying attention. I missed the guys on the rooftop that blew up his vehicle, if I'd seen them we could have avoided the attack, but instead I was making out with her. It was stupid Yeaji, criminally stupid and Sungjae paid the price."

"So you blame yourself?"

"No-one else to blame," I said sadly. "I was in the rear vehicle; I should have been paying attention. It's my fault that we got ambushed, it's my fault Sungjae got injured, it's my fault that people died, and it's my fault that I nearly got Jennie killed. I can't cope with that Yeaji, not again...I've lost too many people I love; I can't lose Jennie."

"So you'll kill her emotionally to keep her alive?"

"Better that than put her in a box Yeaji."

"So are you going to stop being with her, or stop protecting her?" she asked, once again cutting to the heart of the matter without any bullshit.

"I'm not sure it's as simple as one or the other Yeaji; I'm not sure I can do one or the other."

"You're fucked up you know that?" she said, nudging me with her shoulder. "You need to sort this shit out."

"That's what I'm trying to do Yeaji, you're the one that's stopping me right now."

"Yeah, but you needed your priorities rearranging," YEaji said finally standing and dusting herself down. "She loves you Lisa, she loves you with everything she has; and she's done so from the moment she saw you. Most people go their whole lives without finding that so don't fuck it up for something that doesn't exist outside your head."

"What if it's not Yeaji?" I snapped, sick and tied of her constant interference. "Do you want to risk it? 'cause I fucking don't; I love her too much for that."

"Then remember that while you're away on your little voyage of discovery, you love her, she loves you. Life shouldn't be any more complicated than that."

She left me sitting on the floor, the cold leeching through my jeans and chilling my arse. As the silence of the garage enveloped me I heard the dull thud of the doors of the lift opening, and the slight chime as the lone occupant was warned that the doors were about to close on her.

"Don't leave it too long Lisa," I heard Yeaji say and I looked up to see her with her hand on the console, holding open the doors for the second time that day. "Don't hurt her any more than you already have."

I stared into her eyes as the doors finally closed, watching the numbers count up on the display until they reached Jennie's floor and stopped. I knew Yeaji would be getting out and walking along the corridor, knocking on that dark door and waiting for Andy to open it. In my mind I had an image of Jennie standing in the hallway, staring expectantly as she walked in, hoping against hope that I was walking in with her. I could picture her face falling as the door closed, could see the tears falling as if I was watching it directly. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, perhaps I was just my imagination, but I could almost feel Jennie's hurt because I was feeling it myself; hurting as badly right now as I had when I had lost my mum. I even managed to add a little bit of guilt to the mix as I realised that I was hurting almost as much right now as I had when my best friend died, practically in my arms.

Can you imagine that? I was hurting because I was running away from a woman I'd only known for a few short blissful, terrible months; and I was comparing it to the deaths of my best mate and my mum. How fucked up was I right now?

Feeling sick I got to my feet and grabbed my bag, rushing over to the beemer and shoving it into the boot. Hurriedly I climbed into the driving seat and started the engine. With a screech of tyres I pulled out of the space and accelerate towards the exit, the barrier lifting and letting me out onto the streets of St Johns Wood. Half an hour later I was far from the flat, far from my new life and I felt the pain in my chest become too much to bear; I pulled to the side of the road and flung open the door, spilling my guts into the gutter like a dunk on a Saturday night.

Yeaji was right, I was a pathetic fucking coward; and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it.

Nothing but run.

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