I take comfort in the fact
That one day this is all going to end
People I don't like will go away
People I love will be at peace
And I won't have to be here anymore
Not the best coping method, I know
It's as good as I can get.
A lot of things in my life
Are as good as I can get
I like settling for less
Because then you have less to lose
I also don't think I deserve much
If there's an opportunity
For something good to happen
I think I'm the last person it should go to
I think anyone who says otherwise
Is saying it to make me feel better
People say a lot of things to make me feel better
It's because I'm fragile
Apparently.
It's funny how no one can ever decide
What to say to make you feel better
Sometimes it's encouragement
Sometimes it's downplaying your feelings
Whether it's an 'it will get better' or 'it could be worse'
It doesn't help
It's called toxic optimism
I don't know if it will ever get better
I don't want to hear people telling me it will
I don't know what I want to hear
People don't like that.
I want to die
That's a problem
I'm told it is anyway
I'm also told that it's my problem
That seems wrong
I wasn't born wanting to die
It wasn't until some point in the last six months
That I even realised I wanted to
It wasn't me who made me want to go away
I don't know who it was
I'm not allowed to blame anyone
It isn't fair, they say
They also say that nothing is fair
And that's an unfortunate fact of life
No one seems to give any advice
Without contradicting themselves.
When I die
I want it to be quick and humane
I don't want the last few minutes to be painful
Sadly, that rules out a lot of ways to do it
I can't drown myself
I don't have anything strong enough to hang myself
I can't suffocate
I can't slit my wrists
I'm squeamish
I'm too young to buy drugs to overdose on
I don't have a lot of options
I have to live.
Some people say it's selfish to want to go
I say it's selfish to keep me here.
One day, this will all be over
I'll be a rotting corpse
I'll be a skeleton in the ground
I'll sink into the earth
And never think or feel again
I'd like that.
All I can think about when I think of life is
How much of it I have left.
I have years and years and it's miserable
It already feels like it's taken forever to get here
It's this seven times over
I don't want to have to do that.
I have to do that.
I have a big house
Plenty money
Pets
Family
Friends
Food
Clothes
Education
And everything on paper to have a good life
I'd gladly give it up to someone who deserved it more
I don't deserve any of this
I don't deserve to live
I don't even deserve to die.
It's sad that living
Has become painful and waiting for death
Is suddenly as good as I can get.
