as it is || harry styles au

forty-eight

tw // mention of violence

h a r r y

     The whole thirty-three minutes I'd been back in the waiting room, I watched Jamie as he napped across Jenna's lap.

     Dena had just finished telling me in detail how he took the news that his mum had been hurt by the bad guy, and he had subsequently shut down emotionally.

     The feelings I had in my chest and the pit of my stomach were akin to guilt, cloaked in a deep sadness. Guilt that I lived in a world in which I knew Jamie, yet could do nothing to reverse or prevent the events that led to this very moment.

     My anxiety was at an all time high. We got an update ten minutes ago that Ivy's fever broke again, and they would be monitoring in hopes she'd go at least twenty-four hours fever-free. The longest she'd gone in three days was eight hours.

When I felt the walls closing in on me, the telltale sign of an impending anxiety attack, I excused myself to grab some water downstairs and found a couch to sit on.

     "Someone wanted to see you."

     I lifted my head to find Will and Jamie feet away from me. Jamie's eyes filled with tears and his chin started to quiver. I set my water on the ground and opened out my arms. "Come here, bub."

     He stumbled into me. I sat him next to me, holding him tight, then dipped my chin to Will, letting him know I was good. He walked away.

     Jamie burrowed his face in my sweatshirt. I curled my arms around him. Tears sprang to my eyes as I felt little sobs wrack his body. My chest was splitting into pieces.

"I'm so sorry, Jamie. I'm so, so sorry."

His hand fisted my sweatshirt while trying to get his words out. "I want Momma."

"I know you do. She's trying her hardest to get better for you."

"Momma." He called for her again in a sob, and I was afraid my resolve would break much sooner than I expected.

How could I stay strong for him when I couldn't do it for myself?

     The answer lied within the question itself. If I couldn't stay strong for myself then I sure as hell could do it for this boy.

I sat with him until he was all cried out. He was so quiet. I thought he'd fallen asleep until he lifted his head off my shoulder and leaned back against the couch. Eyes that matched Ivy's stared back at me—looking into mine like he could read my soul.

     "Harry, I was mad at you."

     Flames scorched my chest. "I know. Can I tell you something, bub?"

     He nodded.

     "Never will I ever take your mum away from you. Never. You come first. You mean the world to your mum, and you mean the world to me. That being said, you can be as mad at me as you want for as long you want, but no matter what, that will still be true. You will always mean the world to me."

     He sat with that a moment. Digested it. He kicked his legs in and out as they hung off the couch. "I said I was mad at you. I'm not mad at you anymore."