as it is || harry styles au

eight

tw: mention of rape

i v o r y

"Oh, RiRi, what's wrong?" Jenna asked as soon as she picked up my call after my urgent text.

"Am I a horrible mom?"

"Absolutely not! Why are you asking that?"

Five days of replaying the conversation Jamie and I had in the car after the drive-in had done this to me. Jamie's already had two playdates with Bobby. Never had he ever had any playdates in Boston. Given, he had only been in pre-school and still interacted with kids his own age, he just either never had the care to grow friendships or didn't have the room to.

I feared that by pushing myself to be as independent as possible by staying in Boston to care for Jamie while also attending university, I might have set Jamie back. I might have been keeping him from such a great life in Camden.

Most of all, this line of thinking sent me down a spiral that involved Harry. Was all this time, all this lying worth it? Was my decision benefitting anyone anymore? Was I blowing the whole situation out of proportion?

Tucked in bed at six in the morning after another night of restless sleep, I went on giving Jenna a brief rundown about how well Jamie was adjusting to Camden, but how deeply he'd grown attached to my ex in such a short amount of time.

"You do realize you've just given me about a dozen examples of how great a mom you are, right?" Jenna said in response.

"What do you mean?"

"Your son is making a bunch of friends, likes the town he lives in, likes his teacher, and not to go all child development on you, but he feels secure enough in his attachment to you that he can explore the environment around him without any anxiety. The fact that he's able to communicate and grow a bond with Harry like that is a good thing, right? I mean you always used to talk about what a great person he was."

"Yeah..."

"So, unless Harry's character arch has taken a one-eighty, then I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"I don't want my mind to trick itself into thinking that Harry's going to be Jamie's father figure."

"Wait, girl what? Father figure?" Jenna scoffed. "First of all, fuck those guys," Jenna's dad left when she was young, "and second of all, are you leaving out some details? Who said anything about Harry being the father of anyone?"

"I..." love him still. "Jamie's goddamn middle name is Styles, Jenna," I said, exasperated.

"And do you remember me saying that wasn't a good idea?"

"Then I cried in your arms for three days straight and you understood," I countered.

"Did it ever occur to you that I agreed because you cried in my arms for three days straight? Not because I understood."

     Partly reeling from Jenna's words and partly delusional from my lack of sleep the past few nights, I sat quietly for two minutes without a thought in my head.

     "Ivory, honey, please tell me you aren't planning on keeping this from him forever."

     "And if I was?"

     "Then I really think you need to talk to a therapist again. Holding this all in long-term is not healthy for you. It's affecting your self-esteem, your sleep...it's affecting almost every relationship you have in your life. It just isn't enough for only Mick, Em, your mom and I to know."