Moondust: insomnia and me

Backmasking.

'Um...' I tried to think up something that I can use to get out of this situation, but my mind drew a blank. But if I tell the truth, they'll be mad at Alexandra, and I don't want to make a scene again.

Whatever.

'I wanted to go out and get some fresh air. The therapist told me that long walks help with a night of good sleep.' I muttered. A smile appeared at the corner of my mouth. The therapist card always works.

She looked at me and sighed. 'Come on Lexi, what have we discussed about curfews?'

'I know mom, I'm sorry.' I sighed.

I've been apologizing a lot lately. And for the things that are beyond my control. This is stupid. But I swallowed the anger inside.

'I tried to search for her mom, but she was long gone.' Alex lied with a concerned tone.

My eye twitched. What a compulsive liar!

'Fine, you get a pass this time, but next time this happens, I'm taking away your phone and grounding you for a week. Understood?' she glared at me.

I nodded lightly. Wow, thanks, Alex.

'Woah, thanks for saving my butt sis. I owe you one.' she smiled.

I was still upset after the incident. She just lied and blamed me, while I tried to save her. And I didn't get to talk about birds with my friend today.

'No, you owe me more than that.' I rolled my eyes.

'Huh?'

'You lied and put that blame on me, put on an act, and fooled mom while you were the one who fight in the middle of the street with me, and also made me miss an appointment with my friend.' I frowned.

'Since when did you have friends?' she chuckled, deliberately trying to change the subject.

'Ha, Ha, ha. very funny. It would be funnier if I just went to mom and told her what happened today.' my mouth cracked into a crooked grin.

'Oh my, you wouldn't!' she frowned.

'I wouldn't. But I could.' my grin widened.

'No, you wouldn't!' she pulled me back and I laughed heartily while running upstairs.

Stupid Al. Why is she always so naive?

I stopped in my tracks, the laughing faded away, and I experienced some backmasking. I saw her the same as when we were 7 years old. Ah, where did those precious memories go to? That birthday party when I kind of smashed her into the cake for making fun of birds and got grounded the next day, or when we played tag with our old friends.

No, with her friends. I never had any in the first place, did I? like when someone opens the door to your emotional darkroom while the memory is still developing. They are half-burnt memories. Where are the rest? What happened to us?

Those grass-stained knees, the laughter, and chatter of parents, and the graffiti backpacks are all I can remember. Those memories faded, but the emotions remained. I suddenly missed her old self when she was carefree and didn't care about which college to go to or how many advanced classes she needed to take.

I intuitively picked up a portrait of her and me on our seventh birthday, holding hands and smiling widely. I noticed one of her incisors missing. I giggled at seeing how naughty and happy we were.

They were gone like water off a duck's back.

'Lexi darling, could you come downstairs?' my mom called from downstairs. What did I do this time?

Mom and dad were sitting at the dining table. Dad was fiddling with his fingers, and mom had the biggest smile ever and didn't break any eye contact with me. What is happening here?

I scanned the room deliberately to find my sister, only to realize she ditched me for homework. Ugh, she is a traitor.

'We know you've been having a hard time lately, so I and dad decided to do something nice for you.' She smiled as she hid something behind her.

'Well, what?' I asked uninterestedly. I was having an emotional moment there.

She pulled out a big, colorful tea box.

'Is that a tea bag box?' I smiled. I may not like insomnia, but I love tea. They have a very intoxicating effect on me. Like I'm in a dream of some kind.

'No way, how did you even, where did you, how??' I stuttered.

'Your uncle and your dad searched a lot of stores, even those out of town, and we finally found it. Use it wisely, they cost us 120 bucks.' Mom chirped.

'Wow, that's...a lot of money mom. You got that for me?' I asked. I was honestly deeply touched. All those medications, doctors, prescribed and over-the-counter medication, cost a lot of stress and money.

This is nice.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with backmasking again. I don't remember when they used to surprise me with things I like. The memories are half-burnt and forgotten.

'Hey guys, can we play a board game or something like that?' I asked meekly.

Mom looked at the clock and sighed. Dad simply scratched his head.

'Kid, you gotta do homework. Don't miss out on schoolwork because of lack of sleep.' Dad replied.

Mom nodded. 'And you should go to bed. Maybe you'll get proper sleep today. Try some chamomile tea and take your pills. I'll ask your sister to help with your homework since you prodded off without any warning.' she chattered.

'God I just asked to play a board game, I don't need your lecture now!' I shouted and ran upstairs.

Yeah, I want my old parents back.

I watched out the window. As the shield of Earth, the night is given upon the celestial clock.

The village was foggy and tiny droplets condensed onto my window.

Above, eyes upward, we see a serenade of heaven's black supporting a chorus of stars. This made me feel the warmth of a human being. Being here and seeing this is a whole other feeling. No big city can compete with this.

Going to sleep would ruin all of this.

I glanced out the window again to gaze at the stars of heaven blooming in the velvet black.

But wait a minute, something's not right.

The black bear is supposed to be wrong order. I squinted my eyes, maybe my lack of sleep have disorientated my vision.

No, it's not right. I could call my parents to clarify this matter, but they'll just brush it off. Dad is more of a bird guy, he wouldn't know, and mom wouldn't care.

I drew the blinds. Enough of this, I sigh. Yeah, it's the lack of sleep, I decided.

I lay in my bed, it's hard to stay awake with the meditation and those medicines and chamomile tea, especially in this stillness of the night and the soft chirping of crickets as the cherry on top.

But I can't sleep. I won't allow myself to.

So I forced my eyes open and stared at the ceiling, humming songs as I breathed a little faster than my normal rate to keep me awake.

Dang, this is harder than I thought.