nothing lasts - b.e

|7|

That evening, my sisters and I sat on my bed binge watching Killing Eve, my all time favourite show, when I confided in them about what happened earlier.

"I really messed up today", I spoke causing Kaiya and Raya's heads to turn towards me, waiting for me to elaborate.

"What did you hit another car?", Raya snorts causing Kaiya to start laughing.

"No, I was super shitty to Billie", I mumble, feeling the guilt build up in my stomach again.

"What the girl you've been carpooling? Don't you hate each other?" Raya questioned.

"Yes but I crossed a line", I murmured, picking at my cuticles.

"What happened?", Kaiya asked sounding sympathetic, giving me a soft smile.

I explained the argument in the car, how horrible I was to her but made sure to leave out the reaction she had when I grabbed her wrist, if what I was thinking was right then that was her business and I was not about to start telling it, even if it was just too my sisters.

But a few things about her started making more sense when I really thought about it, I mean she wore her winter uniform for cheer all year round, no matter what the weather was, I always assumed it was just to make her stand out as cheer captain but it was clear now that was not the case.

Even at school, she rarely wore short sleeved tops and if she did, she'd have an insane amount of bracelets covering her wrists and lower arm, my stomach felt uneasy thinking about it.

"I don't know why I said the thing about her mom", I say feebly, "I don't usually go for people's weak spots"

"No you don't", Raya speaks thoughtfully, "That sounds like something your ex would do"

I furrow my eyebrows at her, "Amyra might've had her moments, but she would never do that, she wasn't outright malicious"

"Yes she definitely would, I watched her do it to you for months, she'd always get in your head and make you think you weren't good enough, you've been a walking insecurity since you started dating"

I stare at her, Raya never glosses things over, "You really think I'm a walking insecurity?"

"Right now, Yes, but you have no reason to be", she exclaims, "You're cute and smart and are an amazing soccer player, you should be feeling so good about yourself right now"

"Yeah well no one else seems to think that", I mumble, slumping down further onto my bed.

"Who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?", Raya tells me, "Fuck highschool and their social hierarchy, its all about perception Zee, make people see what you want them to see, if you want people to think you matter, act like they should aready know you matter"

"Fake it till you make it", Kaiya chimes in.

"Exactly", Raya responds.

I let out a small laugh before speaking, "You wanna know something stupid? Carpooling with Billie is the coolest I've felt all year, like it's the first time people have paid attention to me, I mean even Amyra was jealous! How fucked up is that?"

"Amyra was jealous?", Raya speaks as if she didn't hear me right but then starts laughing, "Damn that girl is weird, she probably thinks you're secretly dating Billie!"

I snort, the idea being unimaginable, "I would never, I can't stand her."

"Maybe Billie isn't as bad as you think?", Kaiya shrugs, "I mean why do you hate her so much?"

I hesitate, I'd never told my sisters about the tow truck incident last year but I knew it would only cause more problems if I brought it up now.

"She's just shitty", I mumbled, my cheeks burning slightly, "She kind of messed with me last year"

Raya's eyes flashed with anger, "What did she do?"

I could tell she ready to defend me like her life depended on it and drive to billie's house right now to confront her but that was the last thing I needed.

"Nothing, seriously, it's nothing, I just don't like her", I respond and I can tell Raya is unconvinced and wants to press me on it but thankfully leaves it alone and sits back down, we watch the rest of the rest of the episode in silence.

•

Friday is the beginning of homecoming weekend, it feels weird driving straight to school with an empty car, but at least I was able to get out of bed an hour later than I would've done if I had to pick up Billie.

When I pulled in, people stared at my car but once they saw it was only me, they moved on, looking away, they didn't care unless I was shuttling Billie around, and I hated that it stung.

"There you are!", Asteria says grabbing my arm, pulling me into school, "I forgot you always get to school late, I was so used to you arriving on Billie's schedule but you're free now!"

I gave her a smile in response, I had expected to feel euphoric in this moment, I mean it was homecoming and I no longer had to speak to Billie ever again but I felt empty.

That's when I heard my phone chime in that dreaded tone.

Amyra Cole: Glad your finally free of her

I shoved my phone in Asteria's face, "How the fuck does she know already?!"

Asteria's eyes widened, before pulling out her phone to check Instagram, "Oliver", is all she replied before showing me his post.

It was a picture of Odessa and Billie getting out of Odessa's jeep with the caption: 'no more uber service! back to riding with the elites'

I grit my teeth, "Why can't Oliver just mind his own fucking business for once in his life?"

I wasn't angry though, I was embarrassed, I felt my body overheating, mortified that Oliver wrote that and even more mortified that Amyra saw it.

•

During first period, a video came on that someone filmed, interviewing each of the ten candidates that were running for homecoming queen or king.

"Yeah I mean it an honour", one guy who clearly thinks he's way better looking than he is says, smouldering into the camera.

"I'm just so excited, so, so excited!", a preppy blonde girl gleams, a large grin on her face.

Elodie Chandra is up next, "To get this kind of recognition from your peers, its just—what more can you ask for?"

I almost scoff, I was surprise anyone was fooled by her antics.

Then Billie popped up making me shift uncomfortably in my seat, "Are you excited", one of the girls asks.

"Yeah, it's great", she says, casually flicking back a piece of her hair, she sounded like she couldn't give two shits.

"Are you nervous?"

"For the game, yeah, I'm worried about getting our routines right. We've been working our asses off, and right now I'm splitting my time between football and basketball cheerleading, with different sets for each—so I want to make sure we do everything right on Friday night"

"Why didn't they bleep out asses?", my teacher complains letting out a sigh, "And what's with this girl's answer?"

"She's the cheerleading captain", one of my classmates pipe up.

"So?"

"So it's all she ever talks about, her friend Odessa says she's running for student athlete of the year!"

"As a cheerleader?", someone sneers causing a few snickers to be heard from around the classroom.

The next nominee comes on but I stop listening as an unwelcome feeling stretches over my body, like I'm starting to understand Billie Eilish even if I don't want too.

•

AUTHORS NOTE:

filler chapter, might update later on tonight!

how's your day been?

take care of yourselves <3