𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞.

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲.

de•pres•sion (noun) [di-ˈpre-shən]: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed, such as a state of feeling sad; low spirits; melancholy. specifically: a mood disorder that is marked by varying degrees of sadness, despair, and loneliness and that is typically accompanied by inactivity, guilt, loss of concentration, social withdrawal, sleep disturbances, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

i'm depressed.

for two weeks i have been forced to be in this bed, for my own health and safety. however, for the past week and a half, i have made the conscious choice to stay in this bed.

i'm tired, and not in a physical sense. i just want this all to be over. i want my life back. but that's impossible. because after this, i'm going to have a kid to care for. there's no going back. my life has been taken away from me.

amauri's been trying his best to keep my spirits high but there's only so much that he can do. we have no leads. no information. no where to start. we don't know who we can trust and who to even begin to talk to about this situation. because realistically, who do you go to?

if we reach out to the police my secret will get out and i'll be experimented on...again. if we talk to the doctors about it and they end up being a part of it, then who knows what'll happen after that. i certainly know i won't want to be in their care anymore, but that'll be bad for me as they're my only choice in making it out of this alive. i also can't just find new doctors. that's more people who are going to be in the know, enlarging the pool of people who know about it.

and if they're not a part of it, then what information will they have that'll be of use to me anyways? all that'll do is let them know how i came to become this way in the first place and that's more so beneficial for them and not me.

so if we can't go to law enforcement, and we can't turn to the medical providers, who then?

i've also been stuck on the words of the man from the last minute of the video. we'll be monitoring him from a far. it's been about seven months since the procedure. i've had no inkling of being monitored. what does that exactly mean? am i being spied on? and if so, by who?

it makes sense that i'd be watched as i'm the only successful candidate these people have. also the amount of money invested in this, i assume they would want to keep an eye on their investment. i just don't know how exactly i'm being "monitored."

then the next thing i can't seem to wrap my mind around is, who would send me these documents and footage in the first place? i can't imagine it'd be the people who did this to me. for one, this is physical evidence being handed directly to me. if i were stupid i could easily take this to the police, i'm sure they wouldn't want to risk that. secondly, they went through great lengths to keep this a secret from me by somehow making sure i had no recollection of it, so why would they be telling me now?

no. whoever this was had to have had some type of involvement in it, but was not a part of it. or could've been but later felt remorseful. i'm not too sure.