Finding Myself || Complete

Chapter 12: Talked sooner.

"Why was malume Xolani starring at you like that?" she asks. I didn't think she would notice. "I don't know ma." I say. "Is there something that you not telling me." "Like what ma?" "Is he hurting you?" I shake my head no and she raises her eyebrow. "I promise you mama his not. We don't even talk that much." I feel the tears at the brim of my eyes and i blink them away. "Why you crying?"

"I'm not mama." I answer. "You blinking away your tears." she says. Phiwokwakhe comes in the kitchen and i take that as my opportunity to leave but I know this isn't the end of this conversation she will interrogate me until I tell her the truth. I go upstairs and lock my bedroom door.

It's really hard keeping this thing to yourself and having to deal with it on your own. I sometimes wish I could have told them sooner so they could be there for me but it wasn't easy. My mom used to ask me the same question and i was able to avoid her without her noticing there is something wrong but now its getting too much.

I close the curtains and take a little nap.

£

I go downstairs and help ma set up the dining table. We sit down and pray for the food and start eating. Dad joined us today and he looks sober. I still feel hurt with what he said to me but it's not the first time he says something this degrading about me. I've just learnt to accept it and move on cause it's not worth crying about it....but you still do cry about it. But this statement really hurt me I don't wanna lie.

"What are you going to do at the Friday detention?" asks dad. "I'm not sure but it's two hours long." I answer. "This better be the last time I come to your school for this nonsense. I'm sick and tired of this Phiwokuhle, going back and forth with your schools trying to defend you so you don't get expelled." "Ngiyakuva baba futhi ngiyaxolisa ngalento engiyenzile. I'll try my best and stay away from trouble." (I hear you dad and I'm sorry for what i did.) "You better. This is the last time I'm attending a meeting at school because of your behaviour."

"Have fun at detention." says Phiwokwakhe and they chuckle. "Haha not funny." I say and he rolls his eyes. "Mara shame my sister is a bullfighter guys so you have to understand when she gets into trouble she knows how to defend herself and it won't come across as good to others. Mina shame I don't blame you for hitting him." says Musa and they laugh. "This bullfighter must stop it." says ma.

After eating me and Mandisa clear the table and wash the dishes. "You haven't told anyone right." she asks. "Told anyone what?" I ask. "That I might be lesbian." "No I haven't. Don't worry your secret is safe with me until you ready to come out." She smiles. "You even forgot what i was talking about so I believe you." I roll my eyes.

"So are you going to take mom's advice and start doing an extra activity that will help you cope." she asks. "Yeah I will look for something I'm interested in." I lie. I already write to express myself so that is enough. "Okay that's good. No more fights bruh. This will create a bad record for you in the outside world." "No, people will know not to mess with me." "Always looking at the positive aspects of every fight." I laugh.

"Uyaphapha wena." I say and she laughs. (You are forward.)  I wipe the counter and hang the dishcloth on the oven handle. "Goodnight." "Night love." she says and we hug each other and she kisses my cheek. I go to the living room and say goodnight then i go to bed. One thing that keeps on crossing my mind through out the night is the kiss I shared with Ayesha. I think I might be going crazy.

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I'm sitting in the front row behind the driver. Unfortunately I have to pay full price cause my favourite driver isn't here. Sigh. I give my money to the person sitting next to me and i put on my headsets and listen to music.

I feel a person's hand slightly touch my thigh and i bruh it off thinking its a mistake. The person repeats the action and i try to remove it but he doesn't stop. I take out my headphones and ask him to stop. "Shh sthandwa sami don't make noise I know you enjoy this." he whispers in my ear.

"Yeyi uyenzani wena!" shouts another person from behind me. (What are you doing?) He quickly removes his hand and pretends like nothing happened. "Uright nana?" she asks. "Cha cela ukuhlala nawe." I say and she nods. (No can i sit with you.) The driver stops at a red robot and i move from the seat that I was sitting at and sit next to the lady. "Askies sthandwa sami." I nod. (I'm sorry my love.)

"Amanye amadoda ayanyanyisa." she mumbles. (Some men are disgusting.) I can relate with that comment. This shit just triggered something in me. If it isn't that man reapprearing in my life its lowlife scumbags thinking they can touch me as they please. I put back my headphones and rest my head on her shoulder.

I get off the taxi and go to school. I run to the bathroom and i break down. Why does it always have to happen to me? The universe truly hates me. I doubt i will ever be happy in life.

£

I'm chilling at the library with Kwenzo explaining something to him for maths. "So do you understand now?" I ask. "Yeah I do thank you. You should be a teacher." he says. "Shame never i don't have the patience for students." He laughs. "You would be that teacher that would slap a student for giving the wrong answer." I laugh.

"Hai Kwenzo yazi awungboni." I say. (you don't see me.) "Yah vele or curse the child for asking for help." he says. "Mxm usile yeva." (You are mean.) "Ngiyadlala you would be a dope teacher that knows how to explain." (I'm joking.) "That's more like it." He smiles.

"Why were you crying this morning?" he asks and i look the other way. Were my eyes that visible or did he catch me? "I wasn't crying." I answer. "Don't lie to me Phiwokuhle I saw you." "It wasn't anything serious." "You know you can talk to me. I'm always there to listen." "No I'm fine." I blink away the tears and he pulls me in for a hug.

"Hey it's okay you can talk to me." he says. He rubs my back and whispers soothing words in my ear. I didn't know it would be nice to have an outsider comfort you. "I should have talked sooner." I say. "What do you mean?" "I should have done it sooner Kwenzo maybe I would have been okay." "You can tell me now."

I shake my head no. "Okay but you can talk to me when you are ready." he says and i nod. "Is it my fault when a guy molests or harasses me?" I ask. "What? No its not your fault and it will never be you fault you hear me." I nod.

I should have talked sooner maybe the thing that happened in the taxi wouldn't have triggered me that much or maybe i would haven't been this angry at the world for failing me...