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#21

     I sat down in the noisy cafeteria picking at my Mac and cheese and debating whether to go over to Chloe's table and sit with her and her other friends or not. The food in front of me was not appealing to me because I was avoiding anything that would make me gain weight but that was the only thing available at the cafeteria today and I skipped dinner last night and breakfast today already,  I needed to eat something.

   I pretended to be asleep when Beatrice came in to call me for dinner last night, she packed me a few buttery toast so I wouldn't skip breakfast but I gave them to Ed because the butter was too much fat.

    I looked over to where the school's basketball team sat, Edward was with them today, he was mixing in nicely and we both created a schedule to balance out lunch break between us and the team. He spent three random days in the week sitting at our table and the remaining two with his team members but on days when they had things to talk about, like competitions and game strategies, even if we were supposed to sit together, we both sacrificed. Today was one of those days when I had to sacrifice my time with Ed for the team.

    I watched Edward eat my toasts with a look of concentration on his face, he didn't ask too much questions when I gave him the toasts, thank God. My eyes strayed over to Christian's table, his friends were there but he wasn't, he sometimes sits with me on the days when Edward is with the team or any day he wants to get on Ed's nerve, he sits with us till Edward tells him to fuck off, their relationship was getting better with time and they even chatted with each other without me being the reason.

   The school's gossip thread was still spinning, and I notice weird looks from people sometimes since I started hanging out with Christian, and Edward started getting attention on the field but I didn't care. It's not like I have never experienced attention before.

   Thinking of that made me question the reason why I was overthinking going to sit with Chloe and the twins, I knew it would only bring more attention to me and I've been thinking about the fact that Chloe and I don't act like friends at school because I wanted privacy. The thought first came to my mind last week Monday when I was at her house and I've been thinking about it for close to two weeks now but I haven't done anything to change that.

  Today was Friday, almost two weeks since I went to Napa and since I made the decision to live and not let myself drown in sadness. I remember Abuela and how she looked when she talked about me withdrawing myself from everyone, Pierre's words also played in my memory, at least we're back to how we were before.

   Maybe I shouldn't care about the attention it would bring and just go over to Chloe's table and sit, but it might be weird, expecially if the twins didn't know we were friends, I've had fleeting conversation with them before, they weren't rude or bad and they didn't know me or if they did, they didn't show it. Lunch break just began few minutes ago and in another few minutes it would be over so I had to make my decision fast.

   I decided against it, it would be too weird and maybe people might think I'm trying to get everyone to notice me that's why I'm moving with popular people like Christian and Chloe. I ate a little of my food, it was nice but I wasn't really hungry.

    Exams were approaching, Thanksgiving is next week, mom's line would be out by December, she was busier than ever but she made it a mission to see me most days in the week either in the morning before she left or at night before she went to bed and dad too was trying. I had a lot on my mind, and for the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to something. Winter break, I'll get to rest from all of school's stress and by then most of this drama like walking for mom's line and the surprise about Christian's friendship with me would be over, maybe they were just surprised I exist because I was one of the unnoticed people in school.