Star Side

Chapter 44

I leaned my forehead against the speakers frame and sighed, not wanting to label the ache those words made me feel. I'd been suspecting that Gilrack had deliberately been pretending not to learn the controls of the escape pod, but now that was become more of a certainty. We should have sent him down a long time ago, even if it meant risking him crashing, burning, and dying, but I couldn't bring myself to agree with that cold logic. His face was too human. His arms too sure. His thoughts too warm and worshiping.

The speaker popped to life again.

"What did he do to you?"

I recoiled from the speaker and retreated to the other side of the observatory, where it would be harder to hear Levi's voice.

I should deal with that. I hadn't always been like this. I'd once been sure and confident. Why else would I be so good at faking it to Levi and Naomi?

But one can only be strong for so long, and I'd broken long before coming here.

I hated myself.

Days passed. I managed to make myself respond enough to Levi's and Naomi's calls to get their promise that Gilrack really would be sent back to his planet rather than killed, and I suspected it was in part that Naomi had convinced Levi they'd be the ones to most likely die rather than Gilrack if they made an attempt. Bullets were somehow absorbed into his flesh, his healing rate was three times that of a human, he was huge, fanged, clawed, and poisonous. Naomi was a little old lady and Levi was no Rambo. But I also hoped that there was some fondness in Naomi's heart that moved her to show mercy to Gilrack.

This calmed my anxiety enough to focus on my novels. I even got some old shows and movies rolling. I gave in to my urge to paint the walls by covering them in equations for black hold mechanics and light speed that I'd learned by heart in college before coming here. They were useless, as the computer of any space shuttle for long distance flight would do it for us and I'd most likely be in cold sleep, but the way the numbers fell into place, like blocks that fit together just right, soothed the frustration of my heart and gave me the numbness to admit the truth.

I didn't want Gilrack to leave.

Seven days in I started waking up in the middle of the night with hunger pangs. Instead of ordering the cafeteria robot, I used the opportunity of everyone being asleep to get food myself and take showers back in my quarter. Once or twice I passed by Josh's old lab where Gilrack nested and hesitated. Fear always made me move on.

About two weeks of my hermitage, I had just warmed up to talking with Levi and Naomi again over the coms when Naomi came knocking hard on my door.

"Jo, he isn't eating."

I stopped mid-brush stroke of blue across an ocean I'd never see again. "Gilrack?"

"I think...we managed to open the door and tried to give him food, but he just—he lashes out at us, Jo, but now he's not even responding."

The unsaid words hovered in the air like neon.

We all knew I was the only one Gilrack would let approach. He'd imprinted on me or whatever.

My heart clenched so painfully, I had to hold my breath as I asked, "Is he still alive?"

"Yes, but not for long. A human would have starved to death by now."

I bit my lip, but was already inputting the pass code into the door.

When it slid open, the sight of both Levi and Naomi greeted me. I didn't realize how much I had missed them until I saw them again, and it made my eyes water. Naomi looked grim, though Levi's expression as at his default stony blankness. It reminded me of the day I'd arrived here.