Finding Me

Chapter 10

Becky handed me back my phone with new contact information in the directory. Her contact information. There was a part of me that couldn't , maybe even wouldnt , believe what was happening. Could Becky actually like me and want to see me again?

Becky got in her car and rolled down the window.. 'I better hear from you." The tone of her voice was light and teasing but her eyes were serious. I leaned down toward the window and tried to make my gaze serious as well. Our eyes locked and didn't waiver.

'Don't worry. You will." My right hand was lying over top the slot for the window. A part of me wanted to move my hand away as Becky lighted my hand with her left one. It could have been my imagination but my hand tingled and burned from the touch.

You will," I said again but softer this time. More sincere than I had before. The

"Can't wait," she said. I stood there and watched her drive away.

Something inside me had shifted. I couldn't tell what yet but I was definitely different. How could that happen after only a couple of hours?

My mind was blank but my insides were a mix of emotions. They were so mixed up that I really couldn't identify any single one. I stood there for a few minutes trying to sort my feelings out.

I was excited. Definitely excited. But I was scared as well. If this turned into a relationship, it would complicate everything in my life. In particular the already strained relationship with my family.

Shaking my head to clear it, I got in my car and pulled away.

I didn't feel as melancholy as normally did when I was going home from being out somewhere. I really did have a great time with Becky. It surprised me how easy I could talk to her once she apologized to me. I didn't trust easy and talking was not something that came natural to me.

About a mile from home, I pulled over to the side of the road. Hands tingling, forehead sweating, hearty racing, I knew a panic attack was coming.

Since I have had them most of my life, I know the signs of a panic attack very well . To put in bluntly, they suck. It's understandable why people think they are having a heart attack when they are actually having a panic attack. Your heart feels like it's going to explode. That was why I pulled over when I felt my heart start to race. I calmed down a little. There was a park with a lake a quarter mile from where I was. I decided to go there and sit for a while to get myself together.

That whole day was one of the weirdest days of my life. It started off with me meeting an extremely rude, but gorgeous, woman at work and then I end up having a great dinner with her.

After our first interaction, I never would have thought that we would get along so well. It just goes to show that first impressions can sometimes be wrong. Like Becky said, she was having a bad day. Lord knows I've had enough of those myself.

I knew with all of my being that I wanted to see Becky again. Hell, I wanted to call her that very moment. My phone was rubbing against my left leg, it's weight heavy in my pocket. There was a tingling against my upper thigh. My mind jumped ahead at full speed. Could she be calling me already?

My trembling hands made it difficult to get my phone out of my pocket. A stab of disappointment radiated through my chest when I saw the blank screen.

Come on Steph , I thought, don't stress already. Even tough we had only been apart for a few minutes, it took all my willpower not to call her. I knew it was best to wait. Too not seem to eager. So I would force myself to wait.

I sat on a bench and relaxed by the lake for a half a hour . Strecthing my legs, I made my way back to my vehicle. I had to go home at some point. I guess now ws as good as time as any.

I got back in my car and the engine sputtered a couple of times before it finally turned over. Not wanting to hurry home, I didn't go through town , choosing instead to take the more scenic route.

The closer I got to my house, the sicker I got. There was a knot in my stomach the size of a brick and sweat tickled at the back of my neck. As soon as I walked through the door , my mother would start to give me the third degree.

Where had I been? Who had I been with? And so on and so forth. Privacy was a valuable commodity in our household. My mother thought she had the right to know everyone's business. No one stood up to her, no one dared too. I had tried at times but , getting absolutely no support from any family, I gave up. It's really tiring to be the only one fighting.
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