The List

Chapter 20

"Thank you for pinching me. I really needed that." I looked at Regina's long, manicured nails. They were sharp and I could still feel the spot she'd dug her nails in.

"Well, it really was self serving, because if I had to sit here in the cold, while he was taking you on the counter.."

"Oh, please, don't remind me. I'm genuinely embarrassed you heard that," I interrupted, but Regina merely grinned.

"Did you really have that kind of relationship? Where you'd just.. do it wherever and whenever you wanted?"

I shook my head, but shrugged at the same time. "We did some wild things, I suppose. In the beginning of our relationship, mainly. Nothing very extreme, though." I looked at Regina. "What's the wildest thing you've done?"

"In real life or the fanfictions people have written about me?" Regina asked and I let out a loud laugh. I didn't know why we were still sitting on the floor, I assumed Killian had left by now, but I was enjoying the closeness with Regina. "I actually haven't done a lot of wild stuff. It'd be too big of a risk for my career. If people would think I'm into unusual sexual activities, I'd be the shame of Hollywood."

"But are you?"

Regina shrugged. "There are a lot of things I haven't been able to experiment with in life. While everyone was getting drunk and stoned in college, I was supposed to keep up a good image. I did drink sometimes, of course, but it's still different. It's odd that I've played so many characters that show regular lives and standard routines, while I've never lived like that myself. I've never gone to school like a normal person, when I went to school it was a big deal, because I was almost never actually in the building."

"Do you feel like you're missing out on life?"

She looked at me and I put my hand on top of hers. "I have felt that way at times," she replied truthfully. "That I missed my youth, because I spent so much time working. I enjoy acting, though, I really do and I always have. But this job doesn't involve just acting, it involves fans, paparazzi and the loss of privacy, which is a part I've learned to love over the years as well, but as a child, it was hard."

"And your mother? What did she think of you working so much as a kid?"

"She was skeptical at first, when I told her I wanted to start acting, but we were barely coming around with just the two of us. When the amounts of offers grew for me, the amount of money I got offered increased and my mother wasn't in a position where she could reject that."

I was quiet for a moment. "So, she used you for money?"

Regina's face fell and I could tell I'd said something wrong. "No, that wasn't the situation, Emma. I wanted to act and it was beneficial to my mother, too." Her voice was stern.

"Sorry," I said and swallowed. "I just thought.. because you said it was tough as a child that you felt you had to continue working for your family's sake."

"I never felt that way," Regina replied. "My mother put my wellbeing first. I remember, when I was twelve years old, I'd gotten a part that I actually quite liked and was paying very well, but my mother thought the vibe was off and forced me to leave the show before we'd even started shooting. The show never aired, because one of the producers harassed children. I've never had to do anything I didn't want, because my mother taught me to very clearly show my boundaries, when she didn't trust a situation, she got me out of it."

I didn't know what to respond. I'd misjudged Regina's mother. It was clear they really loved each other. "I'm glad your mother looked after you and I'm sorry for insinuating that she forced you to work for the money."

"She does care a lot about my career. Once I got famous, she wanted me to uphold a good name and whenever rumours leak out that could be possibly harmful for my career or me, she makes sure people know they're fake," Regina replied. "I shouldn't paint her off as a woman who'd rather have me living a regular life, because she's enrolled in this life as well and the pressure it comes with, but I love her and as a child she's never made me think I couldn't stop working."

"I'm glad," I said. "I really think you should take that break. Figure out who you are. You're twenty four, Regina, you have many more years to experiment."

Regina smiled and leaned her head against my shoulder. Even though the floor was cold and Granny's counter wasn't warm either, I was heating up. Regina was entrusting me with her stories and touching me, which got my heart pounding louder than ever.

"So, you're really not coming to celebrate New Year's Eve with us, tomorrow?" I asked, after it'd been silent for a few minutes. She looked apologetically at me. "Then who am I to kiss at midnight?"

"Well, I heard Killian is interested," Regina joked and I nudged her arm.

"It's too early, Regina," I replied and laughed. I looked at the clock that was hanging crooked on the diner's wall. "But right now, it's pretty late. I should head home."

We both got off the floor and I wiped my pants. "I'm sorry, I didn't even make you a meal tonight," I said and looked at the kitchen. "Next time. When are you coming back to Storybrooke?"

Regina laughed and gently touched my wrist. "I start shooting again on January second, so I'll be back then, but on January fourth I've got an interview so I'll be flying out again."

"In conclusion, I have to miss you for almost a week," I said with an extravagant pout. Regina cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead.

"We can call?" she suggested. I was too dumbfounded to say anything. Regina's lips had felt soft against my skin and even though it was a friendly, platonic touch, I wanted to feel it again. She cocked her head and I quickly nodded as response. I wanted to call her. I wanted to call her my girlfriend.

~~~~

New Year's without Regina wasn't as much fun as it would've been had she joined us. I still enjoyed myself and Ruby, Graham and I had a great night. We went to some clubs and at one point during the night, Graham and I lost Ruby to some girl, far past midnight.

I hadn't kissed anyone when the year changed and I also hadn't felt the desire. It was a nice night, but not exceptionally amazing.

"Don't you think it's time to get back out there?" Graham was looking at me with a quirked eyebrow and I gazed around the room. The bar was stuffed with people my age and older, if I wanted to find someone here, I easily could.

"It's been six weeks, Graham. Killian and I had a relationship for a year and a half. It's going to take some time."

"That guy over there has been checking you out ever since we got here," Graham said. "Maybe you should just try. That is, of course, if you want to keep pretending you don't have a crush on Regina."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come on, Emma, we all have eyes. You've liked her since you were a teen, but this is a whole new level. Every time you look at her, it looks like your lips are going to break when you smile."

I drank my beer and squinted my eyes. "Okay, maybe you're right, maybe I do like her. So what? Is that so bad?"

Graham laughed and shook his head. "I'm just glad you finally said it out loud. I've been waiting for this moment ever since we all hung out at your place for the first time."

I hadn't admitted to anyone that I actually liked Regina. I wasn't even sure whether I'd really allowed myself to feel it. Of course, I'd had a crush on her years back and I'd always thought she was really sweet, but I hadn't actually felt this way until I met her in real life and I got to know her.

It felt as though I could wholly be myself with her and she wouldn't judge. Plus, she had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen, with so much kindness. The way she laughed made my heart flutter. I liked seeing her laugh. I liked seeing her. I liked her.