I'm Just a Loser: A BigBang Fanfiction

Bruises

Okay guys so this chapter contains violence and self-harm references so PLEASE take this warning, just want everyone to enjoy the book and not have any problems. Yes? Hope you guys like this one...

Xoxo
Livi

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As the door opened I felt all of the eyes in the room land on me. Guys were scattered throughout the club surrounding punching bags and sacks. They were wrapping their hands, feet and limbs with bandages, trying to piece themselves back together as best they could.
"Just...stay quiet," Dae whispers in to my ear.
"This your girl?" A very tall and muscular man walks over to me, his hair slicked back with sweat beading at his forehead,"man Daesung you scored." His hand creeps up my neck and touches my face lightly.
"No, she is just a friend." He snatches his hand off my face and I am mentally thanking him.
"Don't worry, I don't like the crippled ones." He laughs and turns around on his heel walking back to the hanging, red, ripped bag punching it with a force I have never seen before. As he begins again, the rest follow quickly.
"I-I'm not crippled. This is temporary." I say loud enough to hear over the smacking sounds.
"Oh yeah?" He turns around with a crude smirk and grasps my hand roughly causing me to flinch,"you talked back to me?"
His arm lurches up still holding my wrist ripping me out of my wheelchair. I gasp in pain as I feel the gashes open farther.
"Ah!" I scream as I fall forward on the the concrete floor knocking my nose against it.
The world spins and blurs as I hear Daesung shout and yell at him, another man knocking the unknown man in the the face, hard. I shut my eyes trying to ignore the pain in my legs. I feel familiar arms wrap around me and underneath my head and stinging legs. I bite my lip trying to cancel it out but the blurry face keeps repeating the same words, "I'm here it's okay. I'm here."

•••

My body is set down on a ripped couch as I hear faint laughing in the distance. The room stinks of cigarettes and alcohol.
My vision clears and I see Seunghyun walking toward me.
"I'm so sorry," he sits next to me and runs his fingers through my hair,"let me get my keys."
He walks away and I can hear the jangle of them.
"Come on," he picks me up again and the cool air wakes my senses as we go out to the street.
"What about my car?" I ask weakly pressing my head against his warm chest.
"Daesung is taking it back right now, I think he has your wheelchair" he tilts his head to my car driving back the way we came.
"Why are you coming here?" I ask him.
"Let's talk about this later okay?"
"Hey," he stops walking and I touch his face,"thank you."
"I am so sorry that happened," a tear runs down his face sliding over my fingers.
"I'll be fine," he sets me inside his car and the backs of my legs sting although they aren't bleeding.
"Why did you come here? It's so dangerous. Please don't ever-"
"I came for you." My voice makes the air still as he puts the key in.
"Why? I told you I'm fine." He whispers.
"Obviously not," I reach over and touch a large purple bruise against his bare arm. His tank top was dirty and his face scratched up.
"Why aren't you worried about yourself?" He pulls off the curb and goes back the same direction Daesung went.
"It isn't that bad." I wipe the dried blood off of my mouth and nose.
"I'm taking you home," he stares deeply at the road.
"But I thought we-"
"What? Is taking home a girl who is injured considered flirting?"
"Well no-" the comment hit me like a brick. We really were going to have to start from the very beginning. We were going to have to start from the mistaken flirting stage. I guess the past year was gone. To him at least.

•••

"Have you even tried walking?" He asks me as I slump down on to my couch at home limply. Daesung had just dropped off my wheelchair.
"My doctor has tried to get me to but I still can't stand up." I smile shyly,"can I ask you something?"
"Sure," he sits next to my outstretched legs, now becoming thin and frail.
"Why fighting?"
"Uh..." He slips his hand behind his neck pressing his lips together,"I just thought it was a good way to get my anger out and, you know, it's kind of a...well..."
"Self-harm method?"
"I guess..."
"Did you do anything before..." I stutter struggling to speak.
"Yeah," he looks down,"I did."
"I won't tell anyone."
"No one knows. There is a reason I don't take my shirt off with the other guys for videos. See Bree, my secrets don't just hide in my mind, they hide on my body." He sighs blinking away tears, "my childhood was rough. Really rough. On top of fighting, and the abuse... I was peer pressured in to smoking and drugs at a young age."
"Why have you never told this to me?" I sit up ignoring the pain.
"It was just never really relevant. Until now. I just want you to know what has been going on, you know, so you wouldn't worry." He takes my hand,"did you get my note?"
"Yes." I smile at him but then frown realizing the ultimate message it had been holding.
"Look Bree, I haven't been trying to avoid you, I just want you to stay safe and not be connected to someone who could lead you in to harm's way. I want you to be able to fulfill your dreams and fly, without me pulling you down. I may look like I have it all but, I am hurting. I don't want you to have to deal with me." His hands release mine and he crouched over holding his head up.
"I need to be here for you."
"But you can't. It is too much for both of us." He stares down at the floor.
"Seunghyun, I forgive you for what you did."
"No. I don't deserve the forgiveness." his face turns red with anger.
"Hey, you are worth just as much as anyone else. Being depressed doesn't make you any less of a person. Okay?"
"This isn't a quick fix."
"I know," my eyes land on his broken face, yet his eyes are still loving and passionate.
His lips slightly part and he takes a small breath in.
"There is no one like you." He swallows, his beautiful brown eyes staring right in to mine, locking them together.
"And there is no one like you," I say to him as he leans toward my face pressing his rough forehead against mine,"I missed you."
"You have no idea," his cracked lips press against mine, creating the same beautiful fireworks display as before.
"I will always be here for you," I whisper against his mouth.
"I love you Bree," he replies quietly.
"I love you Seunghyun." I kiss him again and know that the journey to recovery was our next step.

•••

That night I wake up crying. Another nightmare, which means another panic attack. I prepare myself for what would happen next, trying to slow my breathing. Although, it suddenly speeds up and I hyperventilate. When this happens I cannot control myself, so I try to stay in the same general area.
"Shh. Shhhh," I hush to myself trying to stop my body from shaking at an accelerating rate.
"Deep breaths," I gasp for air feeling like my lungs are collapsing inside of my chest. I can't stand but I crouch in to the fetal position and cry. I sob in to my pillow and look at the time, 2 AM. I opened my eyes staring out of the apartment window that overlooked the city.
"S-Seung," my shaky hand reaches for the nightstand where my phone is but quickly pull it away. I can't call him, it's too late.

No you need to talk to him. Before it gets any worse.

I snatch it off the white wood and select his contact. As it rings, my breathing speeds up and my vision blurs at the edges.

No answer.

I try to leave him a voicemail but my throat is shut. I hang up and set it next to me as I sob in to my pillow. This had become more frequent due to all the stress I was going through. They were terrifying and scared me more than anything else. I feel a vibration on my outstretched arm.
"Hello?" I choke out.
"Hey, what do you need? Are you okay?"He asks me with a sleepy voice.
"I-I..."
"I'm on my way." his deep voice is already helping me through the attack.
"No-no I'm fine. I just need to hear your voice."
"I need to help you out. I am coming to see you." He hangs up before I can say another word.

In ten minutes I hear his footsteps come through the front door and in to my bedroom.
"Are you okay?" He crawls over to me wrapping his arms sweetly around me.
"No," the tears roll down my face in a series of lurching sobs.
"Oh gosh," he cradles my face holding my head close to his chest,"I'm here for you baby and nothing is going to hurt you. We can do it, together."
"Thank you so much," I whisper in to his hoodie.
"I'm always here okay?"
"Okay," he sets my head down lightly on the pillow and lays his down at the same time.
"Go to sleep," he sets his hand on my face and although it is callused and rough, his touch is sweet and gentle.
"I can't."
"What did you dream about?"
"Um..." I stare in to his eyes.
"Sometimes it helps to talk about it."
"Her," I look at our hands locked together.
"Your mom?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, look at me." His hand tilts my head so our eyes meet,"I know that bothers you, it bothers me everyday. We are going to get better. It's going to take time, and it is going to get worse before anything improves but we can do it. I know that we can. I love you and everything is going to be okay."
"I love you too," I press my lips against his and stay there for those few sacred moments. I treasured the ones I had with him.

We laid there until I fell asleep to his steady breath and matched mine with his.

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Hope you all like this one as much as I do! Kinda scary at the beginning and then sweet at the end, I couldn't stop writing this so it's a fast update. Really loving this plot. Love you guys too I've been having some problems with my depression lately so it is like an outlet for me, so if the updates are becoming too frequent, just know this is helping me out a LOT.

Xoxo
Livi